The Times
- 03.11.2017
Obituary
- James Armless. Professional Tennis Player – 1934 – till 2017.
After
losing his lower left arm in a terrible accident , (he was trying to do a
selfie with a lion in London zoo), James Armless, ranked number 15014 in the
professional tennis rankings, was looking towards a life of poverty and food
banks.
Till, in
a sensational world first – a load of first year trainee doctors, totally out
their cocaine filled minds, in a seven minute operation done without any
narcosis in the car park of The Queen Elizabeth Hospital; attached a tennis
racquet onto his elbow.
Recovering,
James returned to the tennis circuit at the age of 72, but turned it into a
circus. Being right handed he could serve and return left racqeted.
Obviously,
this caused a right ruckus racket about the left racquet. Many of the other
players refused to play against him (including former Number One, Bollox
Boris), and with the whole drama in uncharted territory, the Internarial
Federation of Yellow Balls Crossing Over a Net (IFYBCON), banned the poor man.
He was poor
before but was even poorer now and unable to purchase food and too ill to go
begging, the poor bugger died in his home of a cardboard box under a M25
flyover.
He is
succeeded by his jack russel named, ‘Shut that fucking racket up’.
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