New Cool Beans

I just found and installed some new toys, so please use them. You can now be notified every time I have a new post and you can also become a follower. At the moment it is looking rather sad :-(

Join The Rhodesian Navy: We Need You!

Yes, the time has come for the great Rhodesian fighting forces to gather once again and join Captain Pugwash and his crew to rid the seas from the Pirates of the Zambezi, via Somalia. Those that remember the days of the great Rhodesian Navy, as they used hand grenades in Kariba to get fish fingers, can regale their tales of derry-do once again.

The time has come once more. The evil has spread and only semi-comatose alcoholic geriatrics in their fifties, wearing a Rhodesian Service Medal as a monocle, can eradicate the latest vermin to trespass the sacred waters of the Indian Ocean. (Which, actually, is a rather stupid name, as most of the time you will be just off the coast of Africa. Maybe the Indians patented the ocean first.)

A picture of a nasty pirate

No pirate would dare attack a ship flying the Rhodesian green and white, the bows displaying that sacred name, USS Ian Smith- Surprise. Yes, be one those who made the waters free for loads of rag-heads to continue peddling black gold to dumb Westerners.

You too can leave your job, bitchy wife and binge drinking children and get paid to sit on a floating bomb for three weeks talking shite and Roger the cabin-boy. Just drunkenly point a shotgun towards the ocean from the top of an oil tanker at a tiny blob of bobbing coconut rafts, loaded with screaming savages armed simply with high-incendiary RPG spears made in Russia, and shout

‘My name is Able Seamen Stains and I am a Rhodesian’, and if worst comes to worst - you get a four month free holiday in Somalia.

Picture of Oil Tanker hit by nasty pirate spears

The pay is stupendous and it is all TAX free. However, the all inclusive costs are the key to give up whatever miserable existence you have and sign on to the NEW Rhodesian Navy.

These include –

Free ride on a helicopter.

Free Porno films and Jaz mags.

Free Beer and Whisky.

Free whores from every hole you port in.

Free accommodation

Free access for wheelchairs

Free funerals.

If you are interested, further details are here in the following eMail sent to me.

Ex Rhodesian forces required for security convoy work.. As long as you can spend three weeks away from home at a time and are still fit to fire a weapon, you will be considered. Starting in early 2009. Contract is indefinite. You will be working at sea and will be flown to site by helicopter, so if you get sea sick or air sick, consider not applying or can you take the relative medication?

Three weeks on, 10 days off. Salary - USD1000-00 per week - cash, no tax or deductions, all expenses paid. Large bonus paid when engaged in a security incident (up to USD 20 000 bonus). Must have a vaild passport.

For more details email Gee Bee at:

gdgservices007@yahoo.co.uk

Toilets, Drums and Monkey business.

These photos were taken recently in the public toilets on the South African side of Beitbridge border post. That’s the one made famous by my YouTube which has topped the 200k hits. I suppose it sums up the money situation in Zimbabwe very well.

These short bits were lifted from www.zimbabwesituation the last couple of days:

The country's currency plunged to a new record low on Monday, trading at an
average Z$28,4 quadrillion to the U.S. dollar and triggering massive price
increases.

The hyperinflation figure as of July is officially pegged at 231 million
percent. The Central Statistical Office (CSO) is yet to release the
September, October and November figures. Independent economic analysts argue that the CSO figure is unrealistic and that inflation could be running into
several billions if not trillions.

The city of Bulawayo was engulfed in tension over the weekend, following
bloody clashes between riot police and people queuing to try to access money
from their banks.

Scores were left injured on Saturday when heavily armed riot police ran
pitched battles with anxious customers who were losing patience after
failing to access their money from the city banks.

In Harare, the military police on Saturday battled fellow soldiers who were
creating problems in bank queues. Reports say baton-wielding military police
beat soldiers in uniform. At Coal House in central Harare, where two
building societies are located opposite each other, fights erupted as
members of the public cheered.

---

Crazy shit!

When my Mom flew back a short time ago I made her get some US dollars at the airport. Phoning her (amazingly the phones still work), she told me that without them they might have starved. There is a bit in the shops, but only for US$. How the general population manage too survive is amazing.

Meanwhile, the world’s bloodiest conflict since the Second World War has kicked off again in the Congo. Five million dead so far but thankfully for Africa it is all the Whiteman’s fault once again. So, according to what I see on TV and read on the net, if we didn’t have mobile phones, the Congo would be a peaceful prosperous place. One imaginative individual came up with the perfect solution – go back to the Bush Telegraph days.

Working closely with Nokia, several models were being created. The smaller ones for ‘phoning’ someone in the same room as yourself, the bigger ones if the person you wish to speak to is upstairs, such as your son. You would beat out ‘boom, boom, boom’, followed with ‘ploop, boom,slap’, which means ‘hurry up, the sadza is getting cold.’

Cell phones need cells to make a network, so a new style of ‘call-centres’ is being planned. The idea is to have a telegraph pole situated at the end of every street in the UK and an illegal Zimbabwean immigrant perched on it with a drum three meters in diameter. Their job is to receive a call and pass it on. A test run of the technology was applied during the recent United States presidential election.

A message ‘Don’t vote for the Blackman, he will invade your farm and homes’, was sent without adequate anti-virus protection and arrived in millions of peoples’ ears as ‘Do vote for the Blackman and get a free home and farm.’ As a result, when the news reached Kenya, all of Obamas’ relatives up-sticks and packed for the move to the USA. Above is a picture of them on the way to the airport to check in their baggage.

Nokia admit ‘there are some teething problems’, but that hasn’t stopped Sarah Palin suing them for a full cupboard of designer clothes.

Presently the whole manufacturing process has been put on ice after the entrepreneur who started this all died after inhaling anthrax spores that seemed to have been on the imported animal skins he was using. (This is true – check this

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/7705328.stm )

Production will resume under new management as soon as the British authorities give it a clean skin of health.

Last laugh.

Yesterday I was looking at eBay, category - Zimbabwe. It is amazing how much of the silly money is up there for silly prices! Then I came across a blinder. There was someone flogging a Zimbabwean gorilla. As the photo shows, there seems to be some kind of mistake. There are many guerrillas in Zimbabwe. Former ones now renamed as ‘Wovets’ from the words ‘war veteran’.

This one is the alpha-male.

Unlike gorillas, these guerrillas do not face extinction and they just wander around pissed and stoned, taking over farms and trashing them, whilst having a bit of rape and torture too entertain them whenever the power supply to the TV and DVD player is off.

I pointed this out to the people who were selling this gorilla. They blamed the manufacturers for giving them the wrong details. They then changed their description. That was not so clever, as I had told a few people to go check it out for a laugh. Still, never give up; never surrender, so I tracked down the maker.

Blow me down with a warthog tooth! Hansa Toys USA have it on their website, labeled - Gorilla, Zimbabwe. Here is the link –

http://www.hansatoysusa.com/public_catalog/product_detail.php/pid=235~subid=10/index.html

I won’t be telling the ignorant sods. I seriously do believe that the ‘pitt-bull with lipstick’ didn’t know that Africa is a continent, the silly sloth. (Oops, do they have sloths in Alaska?)