Sunday, April 29, 2018

Pedro and his Donkey

Pedro’s donkey.

I lost a sketch I wrote and rather sad because it was a nice sketch. It was about Pedro in Brazil and his donkey.

It was a very, heart-warming sketch and I have been upset for quite a long time until…

Hang on. If I wrote the sketch in the first place – I can write it again in the second case.

But – before I go further – I must go off on a quick tangent. My girlfriend always fusses when me a bit poorly. Her cure to everything from cancer and multiple limb amputations is flat coke.

Which proves she not Jewish- because all Jews’ mothers cure for everything is chicken soup.

But. let us now return to the heart-breaking story of Pedro and his donkey.

Now, if I recall correctly, Pedro, is building his humble abode. He is laying the bricks for the kitchen. (Well he ain’t shitting bricks. No human can – except in nightmares,) And ..

His donkey is tethered to a pole and walks around and around all day, munching from his graze bag and does no more effort than shit.

Pedro, if I recall correctly, (repeating myself if I recall), takes the donkey’s patties, pats them into brickies and when dried, uses them to build his kitchen.

So. You sort of got the jist? Pedro has a donkey that shits bricks.

But – hello. Along comes some fucking busy body from Europe, claiming to be an expert from, ‘Save the Donkey’. (Now I looked these thieves up. The CEO gets paid 100k a year.)

This bloke is from Sweden and does not speak one word of Portuguese - which is the main language of Brazil, even if 99.9% of the population have never been to Portugal and have as much attachment as Falklanders speaking English but struggle to find England on a map.

Now- in some form of sign language. Pedro understands that he must stop tying his donkey up and in return receive 4000 pesos. About four bottles of tequila in today’s money.

Hold on – just remembered. Pedro lives just a stone throw from the Amazon river. In it are anacondas that can swallow entire cow herds or nasty fish that eat you alive so fast, you have no time to scream in pain.

Pedro’s donkey is quite happy walking around in circles shitting bricks. Well fed, watered and groomed, it was a happy donkey.

Pedro took the money, released the donkey and went to his local watering hole and drank four bottles of tequila. It made him happy but very ill.

Then… must think… oh, so he comes home in the break of dawn and no sign of his donkey. Pedro very sad as he still needs 14 thousand bricks to finish the kitchen.

Pedro wanders down to the great Amazon river and lo and behold, there was his donkey. He is delighted.

This bit gets complicated. So, pay attention.

Pedro is very drunk and drags his donkey up the banks and tethers it dreaming of three dozen bricks the next day.

A short commercial break.

Did you know if everyone stopped smoking – 3 million people would become jobless.

Pedro awakes and checks out his donkey.

He is puzzled because it is just a skeleton with a rope around what had been a neck and there was not a shit brick to be seen.

Now Pedro has a headache and no more donkey.

Very sad.

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