Sunday, April 29, 2018

Dead Cert

Investing your money – this is Dead Cert.

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With interest rates so low and Bit Coins so non-volatile – where should you pump your money into?

Here at Dead Cert, we can guarantee we will never go bust.  People all die. The only time the bookies paid out was in 37 Ad when rioting clients claimed Jesus arose from the dead. It almost bankrupted William Hill.

But. if you invest in Dead Cert, you are guaranteed returns galore. More wars, more riots, famine and flooding- the more they die the richer you get. You CAN NOT lose.

For a share – just 10.000 pounds - you get – every year, a 5% dividend based on how many people we dug a hole for in the ground and shoved a corpse into it. (Less cost for living people digging the said hole.)

It gets better.

We also arrange to have daises planted above the rotting corpse. The soil is rich with fertilizer and the daisies are lovely. Well pushed up.

Through our network of franchises, these are sold at flower shops to bereaved family and friends to pop in pots on the top of the rotting. We also, through our brilliant software, make sure that the daises are picked a day before the annual trape to said rotting corpse spot.

It would be rather silly coming with a load of daisies, only to see the beloved’s patch full of them.

It is a win-win situation. People cannot stop dying. It is in their genes. They can huss and fuss, but eventually – zip-zap-zo – off you go

Kick the bucket, shed thou mortal coil, the Satin shuffle, the last walk, God’s calling and whatever – it will happen – even to YOU.

No one can deny it. In Wikipedia do you know what the top three jobs are in the history of mankind?

1. Prostitution.
2. Mercenary.
3. Funeral Services

Which – makes sense. Fucked to death, stabbed to death and…buried.

For a tiny investment – you can retire until it is your time for our time to pop you in hole in the ground and you push up daisies for us to pluck and sell back.

Just send 10.000 pound to our account yia Paypal

Dead Cert

Password  - Daises

We will send back a glossy bit of paper of blah blah worth fuck all.

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