The Future: The Short End of Jimmy Stick.

The Future: The Short End of Jimmy Stick.

Really sad. I weep to tell you this, but it happened on New Years Eve. We were having a blast. Loads of people I did not know, rampaging around on my free Glühwein.

Then it was time to set off the fireworks as the countdown began. All were having a good laugh.

Jimmy stripped naked, stuck the wooden end of a massive rocket up his arse, leaned over, spread his legs and I ignited it. Things went very wrong. This was not the plan.

The rocket exploded, his crotch hair caught alight, he screamed like a baby wanting milk from his Mummy’s mummery, the rocket shot through the next door neighbour’s living room window, instantly setting the entire place alight.

Havoc reigned, people laughed and screamed with delight as people staggered out on fire, their hair causing hot ashes to float in the air to start another incineration to the a neighbouring property. The wind direction kept us safe. This was really fun.

Jimmy was another thing though. I think he was dying. He had stopped moaning. Thank gwad, spoils the atmosphere. All that screaming and crying. I kicked him. Oh shit. I think I have broken my toe!

The dumb fucker was frozen stiff. Ahh - such is life.

Meanwhile – things are getting a bit out of control. Not that there was any at the start of this binge. Oh dear – what is that noise? Fire engines? Such impoliteness to gate crash a lovely party. The sky was lit up in wonderful hews of orange, red and yellow and these fuckers want to spoil it? No way.

It was time for action. I did not predict a riot – I organised it. With semi-comatose followers fuelled on alcohol, we attacked the bastards spoiling our fun. Beer and wine bottles rained down and avoiding their helmets, we stuck shards in their necks – spilling the ground with red sauce.

One, even moaned that I should tell his wife and children that he was dying whilst on duty. Fucking loser. Should have stayed at home. What a laugh.

Oh well. I suppose even good times must come to an end. Sad really. It was fun.

I got 30 years without parole. The rest? Incarcerated for ten. That is just not fair!