Valentine’s Day – Rhodie Tony appears in court.

Valentine’s Day – Rhodie Tony appears in court.

Charge – drunk and disorderly in a public place.

Charges read out – blah blah blah, this was the 27^th time he had appeared for the same charge. Normally all this would be boring - except Tony always had a gallery of perverts and lustful wenches in the gallery.

The judge, Horatio MacMillan the third, presided for the 17t time of similar charges against Tony. He grinned with anticipation. With a back log of rapes, murders and Jihad stabbings to judge, Tony and his antics was a breath of fresh air. He planned to drag this out as long as possible.

‘Witness for the prosecution?’

Constable Ells takes to the podium. ‘At 23.04 hours last night, we found Tony drunk in the street and arrested him for possessing a pair of soiled underpants.’

Up in the gallery, a riot is breaking out.

Many men of rather dubious gender hold up placards with their phone numbers. One chants out – ‘I have bleached my exit port just for you as I know you like it white.’ Another bearded monster bellows ‘I want you on my wood of stone.’

Things get worse – the judge is laughing his head off. Best snicker since he deliberately ran over his neighbour’s cat because it always shat on his front lawn.

‘I was a nun and that Tony seduced me, took my virginity when I was 53 years old.’

The ladies are in full flow.

‘He impregnated me when I was 47 and has never paid one penny in child support.’ Crows some decrepit hag that can only be used as a quick shag bag whilst fuelled on drunken blindness.

‘He promised to marry me. But ran off when he saw my bank account.’ Another screeched.

‘Silence in court. Has the accused anything to say in his defence?’

Tony stands up. He scrubs up well. A tad Brad Pitt with a hint of a shorter version of George Cloony.

‘My Honour, as usual, I plead guilty to all charges and request that I may summarise the love and hostility I receive from the gallery.’

‘Go ahead, make it a long one as my break is in another hour.’

Tony, dressed to kill, approaches the bench.

‘I, am famous. I do not deny that. But is it fame that is here, this day in court? Or perhaps jealously? Is it my fault that some people find me appealing as Chanel 5 and others as nits in an unwashed crotch? Those who believe in a deity will hurl profanities at me whilst hiding behind their own guilt?

Look at the gallery of leachers, desperate for a laugh at my expense. They get their kicks from my twisting of reality – a void that only my genius can exploit and take them to a place they wish they had never gone to.

A game without frontiers – but hell and bells – so much weird fun. I rest my case’

The Judge summarises - ‘It is my judgement that the accused, Rhodie Tony, be sentenced to eternity in purgatory, but here on earth, case dismissed, and look forward to see you again.’

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.