Rhodie Tony and the chain
saw.
Tony works part time for a wealthy Boss and lives in a tiny village in Bavaria, which since 18 months ago would have been considered a ‘whitey’ zone, but now looks like any other town in Africa.
Besides the point. The Boss says to him in German – ‘Though shall take Holy chain saw, go hence forth into my forest, and cut down trees thus marked with an X as surely as the rain pours, I will build my ark, and you, as a sinner, is not invited. Is though worthy of the task or will you pull another sickie?’
Nice man. Bit heavy with the religious bit, but Tony had never played with a chain saw before and eagerly agreed. His only experience with felling trees was that you hollered ‘TIMBER’ as it fell over, which is the same of his knowledge of golf when shouting ‘FOUR’ before you hit a little white ball with a weighted stick.
A quick glimpse at the instructions appeared rather complicated but sussed out the ‘ON’ switch and to pull a handle attached to a string. Getting it brumming nicely he sussed out that the trigger made the chain chase around itself like an Alsatian on acid, and so attacked the first tree.
Halfway through the 40cm thick pine tree, the saw stuck. No amount of pulling and tugging would release it from the jaws of the one ton, 40 metre high future ark planks. Tony scratched at his hole first, then his head and finally wiggled a little finger into a lug hole to turn his brain on. ‘Aah’ Bingo! Boss had supplied him with a twenty metre rope attached to a triple hook grappling iron.
So. The plan. Toss the grappling iron high up into the tree, attach it to the VW Caddy tow bar, and gently pull the tree a teeny weeny bit, to release the chainsaw. Job done. A classic example of a Rhodie making a plan.
Firstly - 1.0 -
Rear up the car three metres from tree. Climb on roof. This would give a bit more height so to get the grappling iron at a good angle when the pulling starts.
Erm, er, ahh- not quite goes to plan because as Tony took a few steps back, the hook with both hands swinging it nicely in rapid circles, blades glinting in the hot midday sunlight – he plunged straight through the open sun roof, nuts crushed on the gear stick and the spinning hook embeds itself into the spare tyre. Quite some feat when you consider the tyre is located under the car.
Firstly - 2.0.
Tony screamed in agony quietly because scientific researches proved that if there was no one around to hear - there can only be silence in a forest. Tony wished his Mummy was there to kiss and rub the pain away.
Secondly- 1.0 -Tony works part time for a wealthy Boss and lives in a tiny village in Bavaria, which since 18 months ago would have been considered a ‘whitey’ zone, but now looks like any other town in Africa.
Besides the point. The Boss says to him in German – ‘Though shall take Holy chain saw, go hence forth into my forest, and cut down trees thus marked with an X as surely as the rain pours, I will build my ark, and you, as a sinner, is not invited. Is though worthy of the task or will you pull another sickie?’
Nice man. Bit heavy with the religious bit, but Tony had never played with a chain saw before and eagerly agreed. His only experience with felling trees was that you hollered ‘TIMBER’ as it fell over, which is the same of his knowledge of golf when shouting ‘FOUR’ before you hit a little white ball with a weighted stick.
A quick glimpse at the instructions appeared rather complicated but sussed out the ‘ON’ switch and to pull a handle attached to a string. Getting it brumming nicely he sussed out that the trigger made the chain chase around itself like an Alsatian on acid, and so attacked the first tree.
Halfway through the 40cm thick pine tree, the saw stuck. No amount of pulling and tugging would release it from the jaws of the one ton, 40 metre high future ark planks. Tony scratched at his hole first, then his head and finally wiggled a little finger into a lug hole to turn his brain on. ‘Aah’ Bingo! Boss had supplied him with a twenty metre rope attached to a triple hook grappling iron.
So. The plan. Toss the grappling iron high up into the tree, attach it to the VW Caddy tow bar, and gently pull the tree a teeny weeny bit, to release the chainsaw. Job done. A classic example of a Rhodie making a plan.
Firstly - 1.0 -
Rear up the car three metres from tree. Climb on roof. This would give a bit more height so to get the grappling iron at a good angle when the pulling starts.
Erm, er, ahh- not quite goes to plan because as Tony took a few steps back, the hook with both hands swinging it nicely in rapid circles, blades glinting in the hot midday sunlight – he plunged straight through the open sun roof, nuts crushed on the gear stick and the spinning hook embeds itself into the spare tyre. Quite some feat when you consider the tyre is located under the car.
Firstly - 2.0.
Tony screamed in agony quietly because scientific researches proved that if there was no one around to hear - there can only be silence in a forest. Tony wished his Mummy was there to kiss and rub the pain away.
Weeping quietly, he wiggles the hook free, toss its nonchalantly a few metres up the tree, attaches the other end to the tow hitch and climbing gingerly into the driver’s seat, sets off. His brains, along with his eggs, were truly scrambled.
Secondly - 2.0 -
The only one to hear the terrible noises that followed was Tony himself. A huge tearing of metal - as the rear of the car made the front a two seater, a whip like snap as the 50mm thick rope parted, a wood cracking sound, followed by a whoosh as a ton of fir tree converted the car now into some bizarre one wheeled, single seater. The only thing that had been on the passenger seat had been a crate of beer, now spitting foam and glass into his face.
Thirdly - 0.0 -
Get home. Phone the police reporting a stolen car, pull a sickie and hide under the bed clothes till the furore fades away.
And so our brave hero, Rhodie Tony, lives to carry on exploits that has explicit warnings in his memoirs – ‘Don’t try this at home’.
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