Journal 09.01.2026.
Sawa Camp, Nuweibaa, Sinai Peninsula,
Egypt
WOOD
-What is it good for…
A very spiritual man, made headlines not
so long ago, for being condemned by the public for breaking a moral law.
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In his defence he said that the spirit of
the Lord (a 1.5 litre bottle of duty free Lord Gorden Gin he managed to shoplift
at Edinburgh airport, because shopping lifting in Scotland is considered a lifesaving
necessity - like masturbating - which you do for free,) and that the Lord had
required him to make a sacrifice to prove his love of the stuff and take his like
minded clan member of the Holy Church of The Dumb Fucked Duck pub (which
is opposite the Job Centre on Benefit Street, everywhere in England,) and with the
chainsaw he had found cheap in a pawn shop: cut down a tree.
A very sad story. Everyday people cut down
trees. They have a reason for doing so and believe me, it’s got fuck all to do
with spiritual spirality but with the fact if they the family will starve to
death. It is a truth – from Pedro illegally logging for cartels, to sawmills to
furniture, from charcoal for rich people’s barbecues to holding up mine roofs
and supporting rail tracks – for centuries, wood put food on the table.
An executive in the office of an oil
conglomerate may have a wooden desk, part of it is a piece that Pedro had cut
down - which is exactly how the cosmos works, hence no Lord is putting food on
the table. It is basic economics, stupid Greta.
BUT – here is the catch, these people in
the huge chain linking wood to their lifestyles (whether legally or not,
depending on who makes the laws,) don’t do it for a laugh.
Unfortunately, some people are like that
and the modern world promotes it. Look at the front cover of that magazine
again. I have adjusted it…
I love wood and I adore making things out
of it.
Like a fire. And other things as well.
Like a bonfire. Or a forest fire or an inferno perhaps. I tried most of that
when I was a mukiwa in Africa.
What the fuck is a mukiwa? I had
never heard of the word till Peter Godwin introduced it to the world. Whatever
clan-slang he was using growing up in Rhodesia never drifted my way to Mount
Pleasant, Salisbury. I have not a clue what the indigenous people called us. Us,
as in, we of light skin tone – I just presumed it was Baas, Medem and pikininni
Baas and Medem.
Well, thanks for that Peter, me old china.
I am a MUKIWA – which is a lot better than being a MASUNGU. It is Swahili,
I believe and I will not look it up so as not to spoil myself, as WHITE WORM!
That is what the locals said to me when I drove through Kenya and Tanzania many
years ago. (A story for another day.)
‘Masungu give!’ the irritating poor starving
peasants constantly harassing you even if it was a short stop to drop a log out.
Hands out begging.
‘Fuck off, go get a job chopping down
trees, you lazy useless fucks.’ I would reply helpfully, tears in my eyes as I
thought of their lives of swatting at flies at day and mozzies at night – which
oddly, I am doing at this present time…
We had NON of that nonsense in Rhodesia.
Begging was tolerated and acceptable because we hardly ever saw any because it was
financially not very viable. I know this because when I volunteered to get shot
at, the British South Africa Police paid me so little – I was the one doing the
begging. With some success I might add…
Ooops, sorry, I went off on a tangent
there – Rhodesians were taught at an early age to be aware of environmental conservatism.
I mentioned this in Simply the Pest. This was because we were taught,
quite correctly so, that if we want to be lazy, dirty, useless, brain dead
rubbish dumpsters - we can quite happily go back to the motherland where the
place is rapidly sinking under gigantic piles of stinking shite into the mud.
That put the fear of God into all of us
because if that wasn’t enough, six cuts across the arse with a cane quickly drummed
into your head that littering is a pain in the arse.
Now here I am in this desert and in a short
discussion with the Baas Salama, the cost of wood is about the same as in
Germany. A lot. My humble abode in Germany is surrounded by huge pine forests
and there are more saw mills ‘just down the drag’, than bus stops. But most of
the wood is exported to – USA!
The property here is scattered with
started and ended huts. Business is bad, very bad. All along the coast are
these camps. Half are derelict. Failed ventures and the fancier ones tittering financially.
In the distance from where I sit, I see a huge project that was started
pre-covid. That went tits up. Bloated ambitions.
And yet, Salama has a couple of grands
worth of wood just lying there in the tip at the back. The planks and beams
just need the nails removed and neatly stacked in approximate lengths and he
has four employees whose major task in life is looking at their mobile phones.
And there must be tens of thousands of
Euros worth of pine timber piled haphazardly on the plots of ‘dead’ camps.
Because of the climate – no rot and dried to perfection. No future warping.
Oh, if only hey! Put me in charge and I
would have shelves and cupboards and more tables for my temporary abode in no
time at all. A swing in the sea, a jetty and a raft that I can go hammer
fishing for hammerhead sharks…Fuck that for any of the other huts. They not my
problem and he can fuck off charging me extra because MY pad is well sorted…
I use to do all sorts of wood work in the
garden at my place in Bavaria up to recently for the pleasure of the neighbours,
but I got sick of being kicked in the dentures so I don’t bother no more.
News Flash – BBC online today - Protesters
can be heard in the footage calling for the overthrow of Iran's Supreme Leader
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and the return of Reza Pahlavi, the exiled son of the
late former shah, who had urged his supporters to take to the streets.
Next thing you know the Zimbabweans will
be calling for my return to sort the place out. First task is to hang all the
white skinned sell-outs. That includes the father of one of Prince Harry’s ex-
jiggy-jigs. That Harry hey! He sure knows how to pick ‘em, ekse. Must have learnt
that from his Uncle Andy.
Then we hang the black ones. They can go
to the rope with that gentle reminder that by watching the white ones go first,
they will always be second best and that is because if you want to be a
corrupt, lying, back stabbing betrayer of your country (but keep family and
cronies happy to be on the safe side,) you must take lessons from WHITE people
who know how to do it properly. Donald Trump is a really good example.
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