Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Pedro from Peru – Professional Tennis Player

Pedro from Peru – Professional Tennis Player

At the age of 68, and ranked one million, two hundred thousand and five hundred and twelve in the world rankings – Pedro had a great idea.

Not a good one – but whatever.

It was when he was clipping his finger nails, when he thought – if – if I clip all the strings on my tennis racquet – I might win a game.

Well. His next game he lost 6 love, 6 love. But – he became famous overnight. I mean – the game was played in darkness against a blind man and he still lost.

Pedro decided to retire as he was rather tired of chasing a ball with a stick with a head of nothing.

He went home and murdered his wife because she burnt the chilli-con-carni, raped his own donkey, then  threw it into the amazon river and laughed as the piranhas had a feast and for good measure – shot himself in the head… and dies happily ever after.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Lanky Wanky

Lanky Wanky, (such was his name), had a thin. but a long penis.

He died at the age of 23, by pulling himself to death.

His right forearm is pickled in the British Museum as the strongest ever recorded.

Of course - in 1786, wanker's cramps was not recognised as a diocese - but today it is considered as religion.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

A short summery of a speech by Zimbabwe Presidential hopeful -

A short summery of a speech by Zimbabwe Presidential hopeful -

Magwana Me Bananaup Mehole

In a packed stadium of teenage, unemployed delinquents of mixed race,  40 year old, Magwana Me Bananaup Mehole, declared -

When I am the President of Zimbabwe I will -

1. Look at my watch and take the time.

2. Build a nucleoli arsenal to stop Arsenal fans invading our pitch.

3. Change the name of Zimbabwe into Rhodesia so we can forget our colonial past.

4. When I turn 33, I will have a big party and all invited and entrance fee will only be 33 dollars.

5. Send the first man to land on the sun at night time.

6. I will send a candidate to win the Eurovision song contest.

7. Create a train so fast – it will arrive back before it even started.

8. Eat enough sadza to keep me up all night in pain.

9. I will reduce tax on washing powder to a mere 100%

And finally,

10. I will tax the poor to keep the rich filthy.

Polls indicate that Magwana Me Bananaup Mehole is leading ahead of his only rival, unknown, but known as the tramp who sleeps alone on the street.

She Sells Sea Shells on the Sea Shore.

She Sells Sea Shells on the Sea Shore.

A short history of Denise, going self-employed.
It was November 1987.

The coldest winter known to man, when Denise,
bigot the idea to sell Sea Shells on the Sea Shore which was a bit odd because the stand where she intended to sell the sea shells from the sea shore was based 200 kilometres east of Timbuktu.

In the middle of the fucking desert?

Luckily, DHS could supply her using drones.

Then – on the 30th of February  2016,  she opened her shop to huge acclaim by the press of one. Her FB live streaming via satellite.

At 6.00pm on the same day, with not one customer, she closed shop and sell up.

Which is a lie. She just torched the hut and ran off with a Bedouin.