The Haunted House

The Haunted House – a frightening tale.

I once paid a lot of money to spend a night in a haunted house.
It was 100% guaranteed that the spectre of Lady Chamberpot, who was murdered in 1653, wanders the house.

Was I worried? Was I frightened? Death has followed me all through life. As it does for most people as one thing, we – a planet in turmoil, with 76 million people migrating, chaos, biblical proportions of mass self-genocide – have one thing in common.

Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust. All the human race will either go up through a crematorium oven or eaten by worms to create some fertile soil for daises to push up from. (Or die in a nuclear war😊)

So – there I was awaiting the arrival of Lady Chamberpot – the cause of 278 heart attacks and shit filled pants ever since it was converted into a horror house in 2018.

Sure enough, at the stroke of midnight – the apparition appeared. Looked quite shaggable, her dress would get a fortune on Ebay.

The ghost wailed and moaned – not surprising as I had a finger up her bum and fondling its rather plumb breasts.

Something was a foot here. Or rather fishy as I fondled her rather hairy kipper.

‘ ut mihi accipe a me’

Which is Latin for ‘take me, take me.’ She howled. Well, she had been dead a while and hardly able to speak street rap dialogue.

What can I do? What shall I do? She wants it.

‘Take you where? What do you want from me?’ I excitedly asked as my middle leg poked snot out of a nostril.

This was now the nitty gritty – strew bobs hey. I was hitting on a ghost that smelt suspiciously of cheap perfume you bought in a Duty Free. As if ghosts take flight?

The ghost removed her dress, and stood naked before me. I have never seen such perfection.

A skin of alabaster, breasts to make a man want to suckle them for ever, hips designed to produce offspring. Perfect legs, her feet clad in cheap copies of Prada high heel shoes.

And then – and then she spoke…

‘Take me to Mc Donald’s, I am fucking starving. I want a Big Mac with fries and if you do – I give you my cell phone number.’

I was shocked and replied – ‘What? Dressed like that!’

The End.

Happy New Year

As we approach doom -

Let us not forget some of the most memorable  moments of 2019.

Hence – here are some words by famous and infamous celebrities across the world.

1. Prince Andrew - ‘I don’t remember fucking her as I was out my head on enough illegal substances to kill Michael Jackson.

2. Elon Musk – ‘The only reason that bloke wanted to save those kids in that drowned cave was because he thought he geta kiddie blowjob.’

3. President Donald Trump – ‘Kim Yong Yo-Yo is my best mate and who gives a fuck about Ukraine?’

4. Robert Mugabe – ‘Zimbabwe is mine.’

5. On board voice from computer on a Boeing 737 Max – ‘Terrain, Terrain, Pull up, Pull up.’

6. Theresa May – ‘It was a pleasure to get shafted by every bastard in this shithole I live in.’

7. Pope Francis – ‘Nuns are nice but little boys taste better so let’s worry about nuclear weapons.’

8. Sir Ian Duncan Smith – ‘My universal credit system caused so many deaths by starvation and suicides, it relieved the housing crisis by 27%.’

9. Prime Minster Boris Johnson – ‘I would rather have sex with a corpse in a ditch than not leave the European Union by October 31^st 2043.’

10. Prince Phillip – ‘The only reason the Range Rover crashed was because it was Made by Indians.’

11. Greta Paininarse ‘I hope this yacht is made of carbon neutral fibreglass and Daddy now drives a lovely new Porsche.’

I Have Seen the Light.

I Have Seen the Light.

To disclaim your heritage, to open your mind to the greatest thing ever...

He that guides us- he who leads us, he whose presence is everywhere.

The one and only one. The guide through life.

He who shows the way, millions crawl on their knees and praise him.

He shows the way. I have kept this hidden until I thought that maybe you are ready.

I am enlightened- beyond Jesus.

He saved my soul - showed me the light.

Everything I do, is to follow his teachings of wisdom.

For, without him, I feel empty. He guides me when I am troubled and  lays me gently to bed on whatever part of the planet’s gravity bids me.

With him, I feel strong, courageous, mightier than the incredible Hulk. He guides me to women’s bosom, and I can suckle on the fruit of life.

Without him – life is without him. Pointless repetition of breathing and eating and defecating between working for a living.

He guides me – I no longer feel tempted to kick to death homosexuals, rape lesbians and strangle cats. I have even stopped using cable ties to wrap around dogs’ testicles.

He shows me the way to fulfilment of my existence. Death will no longer be a challenge for me, for the devil will not accept me.

He taught me to accept humility, to be a person, not a number nor an abstract on a Facebook posting.

I have achieved through him – the ultimate in life. To live free, without boundaries off dictatorship. To roam and rape, pillage and have a good time.

He taught me to buy a Glock .45 magnum, and help people with a headache or a heart problem. They always scream before the cure, but I am guided by the birthmark on my skin. They are always silent afterwards. A sign they are feeling better.

He sent me a monkey and a plywood violin.

First – we take Manhattan – then we take Berlin.

To be highly intelligent is a blessing in disguise for there is always some one in your head telling you that you are a dumb nuts.