A brief history of time is up for Janice O’Brian.
Janice O’Brian, as we all know was a superstar. Beautiful,
brilliant actress adored by millions of friggers and wankers aged 13 to 70 the
world over –
male and female.
It is sad to announce that this wonderful woman died recently. Considering that
planet earth is several billion years old, her time on it would be considered
brief. At the age of 93, she stopped breathing whilst sucking on her latest
lover’s weapon of mass procreation.
According to ‘The
Daily Slapper’ a
popular newspaper of some repute, the unnamed lover was so drunk, fell asleep
and when he awoke, rigor mortis had set in and he was trapped. Not only that,
he was bleeding to death.
The coroner’s report
that large blows to the head of the deceased, Janice O’Brien, matched perfectly with the remains of a
bedside lamp. The second deceased, the unnamed lover, apparently died from electrocution
and severe blood loss.
Saturday, January 26, 2019
Revenge gone wrong.
Revenge gone wrong.
A once upon a time story – it is
up to you, the reader, to decipher what is true and what is ‘Fake News’.
It all started in Nottingham, England, 1756 – when I became a reborn heathen. Exact on revenge for the mother fuckers that burnt me alive because I slept with the local Bishop’s illegitimate daughter and filled her belly with my seed.
As a result, she popped out male twins (named Whiskey and Cola, after my favourite tipple), and questions were asked. Especially when they were 7 years old and had a strange likeness to me. Hunch back, 5 foot two tall when strapped to a stretching board – (I was measured whist being tortured), a hairy back and testicles that dragged on the floor as they went begging for food.
Having a gammi leg, it was hard to do a runner, so I was subsequently incarcerated in a rather dark dungeon where it smelt badly – even more so after I defecated the rest of the rats I was eating to stay alive.
It got to a point as to why bother trying to stay alive – but, I might be a limper – not a lemming.
The day I was convicted in front of a papal kangaroo court, my only defence was to proclaim –
It all started in Nottingham, England, 1756 – when I became a reborn heathen. Exact on revenge for the mother fuckers that burnt me alive because I slept with the local Bishop’s illegitimate daughter and filled her belly with my seed.
As a result, she popped out male twins (named Whiskey and Cola, after my favourite tipple), and questions were asked. Especially when they were 7 years old and had a strange likeness to me. Hunch back, 5 foot two tall when strapped to a stretching board – (I was measured whist being tortured), a hairy back and testicles that dragged on the floor as they went begging for food.
Having a gammi leg, it was hard to do a runner, so I was subsequently incarcerated in a rather dark dungeon where it smelt badly – even more so after I defecated the rest of the rats I was eating to stay alive.
It got to a point as to why bother trying to stay alive – but, I might be a limper – not a lemming.
The day I was convicted in front of a papal kangaroo court, my only defence was to proclaim –
`The ugly cow was lucky to get a bit of sausage because no
one in his right mind could get a hard on to stick into it. I mean – the only compassionate comparison to
her would be a cross between a jelly fish and a piranha, and I just describe
her vagina. As for her face… have
you ever had a proper look at an elephant’s anus?’
It was all to no avail, and I was condemned to be burnt at the stake. The crowds loved it – I did not and demanded the cost of my entry ticket to be reimbursed.
Still, the Devil took one look at me and refused entry, God also and into limbo I went – but that caused a riot. The two agreed to send me back – I happily agreed but suggested that due to what happened in 1756, could they… sort of send me to another time?
Lo and behold – it was done. And? I have taken over the body and sub-human brain of a teenager wandering around some stinking hot bush in a place called Gokwe. To be honest – I was disoriented.
There
were, so called, stick mates who attempted to explain it was my job to kill bad
men or get killed. Which I considered rather pointless.It was all to no avail, and I was condemned to be burnt at the stake. The crowds loved it – I did not and demanded the cost of my entry ticket to be reimbursed.
Still, the Devil took one look at me and refused entry, God also and into limbo I went – but that caused a riot. The two agreed to send me back – I happily agreed but suggested that due to what happened in 1756, could they… sort of send me to another time?
Lo and behold – it was done. And? I have taken over the body and sub-human brain of a teenager wandering around some stinking hot bush in a place called Gokwe. To be honest – I was disoriented.
So I muddled along and wrote a book about the adventures – settled in Germany and all is good.
The End.
The short history of the first thalidomide sufferer to become a triathlon athlete and the consequences.
The short history of the first thalidomide sufferer to become a triathlon athlete and the consequences.
As we know – that is serious stuff. 2 clicks swimming, 120 click on a bicycle and then a full blown marathon.
Edward Griffin, of Brisbane, UK, was not deterred by his handicaps of having no arms or legs but large ears. These he trained for the swim.
As we know – that is serious stuff. 2 clicks swimming, 120 click on a bicycle and then a full blown marathon.
Edward Griffin, of Brisbane, UK, was not deterred by his handicaps of having no arms or legs but large ears. These he trained for the swim.
Using a 3D printer he built plastic sticks to screw into his arse to
pedal the bicycle and wheels to bolt onto his hips for the marathon.
With sponsorship from ‘Kon the Kents’ gambling and ‘Nick his Shoes’, when the great day arrived, Edward was well fired up and as the starting gun fired, he rolled with all ears flapping into the water and promptly drowned.
He will not be sorely missed as most people had other things on their minds – such as Brexit.
However his death did not go in vain because in a dictated will he donated his body to research on the hunting habits of great white sharks.
His corpse chilled out to stop it rotting and stinking, the late Edward was shipped to South Africa.
The great white, great white shark fisherman, Jannie Van Volkswagen, went out on his boat, stuck a giant meat hook through Edward’s dead head till it came out his anus, and tossed it overboard attached to half a kilometre of 3mm stainless steel wire.
Now – what happens next is a YouTube sensation. It goes viral… because-
Six months later, a head set web cam washes up on the shore and found by a nasty piece of work nickname on YouTube as ‘NPoW’. He posts the contents. With 27 million hits, it is considered almost as funny as the genuine footage of the Titanic sinking!
There is lots of blue sky, screams, rear of the boat being dragged under, more screams, a quick flash to the cabin and a rifle, more screams, water pouring into the rear, visible a rifle barrel, shots, more screams, shaky footage of the front off the boat now perched horizontally in the sky, more sky, more screams – silence.
In conclusion – it serves both of the idiots right.
With sponsorship from ‘Kon the Kents’ gambling and ‘Nick his Shoes’, when the great day arrived, Edward was well fired up and as the starting gun fired, he rolled with all ears flapping into the water and promptly drowned.
He will not be sorely missed as most people had other things on their minds – such as Brexit.
However his death did not go in vain because in a dictated will he donated his body to research on the hunting habits of great white sharks.
His corpse chilled out to stop it rotting and stinking, the late Edward was shipped to South Africa.
The great white, great white shark fisherman, Jannie Van Volkswagen, went out on his boat, stuck a giant meat hook through Edward’s dead head till it came out his anus, and tossed it overboard attached to half a kilometre of 3mm stainless steel wire.
Now – what happens next is a YouTube sensation. It goes viral… because-
Six months later, a head set web cam washes up on the shore and found by a nasty piece of work nickname on YouTube as ‘NPoW’. He posts the contents. With 27 million hits, it is considered almost as funny as the genuine footage of the Titanic sinking!
There is lots of blue sky, screams, rear of the boat being dragged under, more screams, a quick flash to the cabin and a rifle, more screams, water pouring into the rear, visible a rifle barrel, shots, more screams, shaky footage of the front off the boat now perched horizontally in the sky, more sky, more screams – silence.
In conclusion – it serves both of the idiots right.
Monday, January 14, 2019
Thing and Things
Thing and Things - Is it all just a conspiracy?
Dateline –
14-01-2019
Your host has been watching on Netflix, about some VERY interesting things about weird things that things may or not, come together but things are happening.
First, I was sceptical about these things. Things – think about it. What are THINGS?
Before I continue with my conclusion about THINGS, first we must look at the definition.
In Japanese –‘things’ are called ‘monogoto’.
In Finnish it is called ‘asiat’.
In Swahili it is called ‘vitu’.
Small examples – until you read the English definition – now you get seriously confused…
Noun
Your host has been watching on Netflix, about some VERY interesting things about weird things that things may or not, come together but things are happening.
First, I was sceptical about these things. Things – think about it. What are THINGS?
Before I continue with my conclusion about THINGS, first we must look at the definition.
In Japanese –‘things’ are called ‘monogoto’.
In Finnish it is called ‘asiat’.
In Swahili it is called ‘vitu’.
Small examples – until you read the English definition – now you get seriously confused…
Noun
- a material object without life or consciousness; an inanimate object.
- some entity, object, or creature that is not or cannot be specifically designated or precisely described.
- anything that
is or may become an object of thought: things of the spirit.
Confused?
But of course. As males in our teens, we pulled on our thingy, which had become animate when thinking of geography teacher, Mrs Nelson’s melons and scream ‘Oh God I want my thingy in her.’
Which of course would never happen and mathematically thinking, she is now about 86 years old – if not dead. Which is a shame – I did fancy her.
But of course. As males in our teens, we pulled on our thingy, which had become animate when thinking of geography teacher, Mrs Nelson’s melons and scream ‘Oh God I want my thingy in her.’
Which of course would never happen and mathematically thinking, she is now about 86 years old – if not dead. Which is a shame – I did fancy her.
But the thing is – in our
present time, things are getting rather confusing. To a point where a 17 year
old will look at a record player and ask ‘What is
that THING?’
In Rhodesia – we had an understanding. A fascinating form of communication. If something was broken, someone would try to repair it and ask his side kick ‘Pass me a thingy ma Jig.’ The side kick, instinctually knew what tool to hand over.
But today – in this ‘modern world’, (which grates on my nerves. In the 1980s’s did the News claim they lived in a ‘backward world?’ Hardly. )
Things change and so do the things you have. The thing is – have you ever thought about the use of that word? How easy it is to describe- NOTHING. An excuse or laziness of language?
Think – How many times have you heard or seen on TV a presenter telling you that THINGS are happening? Take for example – Brexit or a snow avalanche in Austria. Things may happen but if they don’t - things have not happened.
The thing is – where was the thing? Was it there but now not there? Did things happen to change things?
Why is it that things come and go? What are these things that appear and disappear at the whim of those that behold the word in their heads?
In Rhodesia – we had an understanding. A fascinating form of communication. If something was broken, someone would try to repair it and ask his side kick ‘Pass me a thingy ma Jig.’ The side kick, instinctually knew what tool to hand over.
But today – in this ‘modern world’, (which grates on my nerves. In the 1980s’s did the News claim they lived in a ‘backward world?’ Hardly. )
Things change and so do the things you have. The thing is – have you ever thought about the use of that word? How easy it is to describe- NOTHING. An excuse or laziness of language?
Think – How many times have you heard or seen on TV a presenter telling you that THINGS are happening? Take for example – Brexit or a snow avalanche in Austria. Things may happen but if they don’t - things have not happened.
The thing is – where was the thing? Was it there but now not there? Did things happen to change things?
Why is it that things come and go? What are these things that appear and disappear at the whim of those that behold the word in their heads?
Wife – ‘Oh do you like my Mark 6 tomato smasher;
this thing was on offer. `
Husband – ‘Get rid of that fucking thing before I turn you into a thing.’
The thing is – it has become a part of lazy language. A ‘thing’ has become a non-empathy of our psyche.
Husband – ‘Get rid of that fucking thing before I turn you into a thing.’
The thing is – it has become a part of lazy language. A ‘thing’ has become a non-empathy of our psyche.
Just THING about it.
Thursday, July 05, 2018
The Best Seller - Ever
The shortest best seller ever written.
The Title -
I Predict a Riot
The Title -
I Predict a Riot
By
Karl Greenberg.
This Amazon best seller has sold out within minutes of it being published.
Considering the book contains 500 blank pages of 'fill in the shit as you make it up' - it has sold two copies. Both purchased by the author on a 'buy one get one free' con bullshit..
But - it is the introduction to this master pieces that actually has the book nominated for the Noble Prize of 'Setting Fire'.
This introduction is rather long considering the shortness of the contents of the book - but , please bare your breasts with me and I quote in its entirety -
'I stink - hence by knowing this I can think'
The End.
Karl Greenberg.
This Amazon best seller has sold out within minutes of it being published.
Considering the book contains 500 blank pages of 'fill in the shit as you make it up' - it has sold two copies. Both purchased by the author on a 'buy one get one free' con bullshit..
But - it is the introduction to this master pieces that actually has the book nominated for the Noble Prize of 'Setting Fire'.
This introduction is rather long considering the shortness of the contents of the book - but , please bare your breasts with me and I quote in its entirety -
'I stink - hence by knowing this I can think'
The End.
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