Jane Bond
Mr and Mrs Bond wanted a son but got the opposite and named her Jane.
Jane was to be trained to be a spy in MI5 or 6 or 7. Her parents were not that bright and Jane was an imbecile.
At the age of 15, both her parents were murdered by a Muslim madman and Jane was put into a home for useless idiots.
Jane then met Erich. He was stupider than her but had a massive phallus
that worked and filled Jane's womb with the next generation of useless
taxpayer’s hang alongs.
Jane threw the baby in the bin and sent her CV to MI 5,6 and 7. She wanted to be a spy.
They in turn realised they had won a mango.
Not only was the dumb bint drop dead gorgeous, but thicker than shit. The perfect spy.
Easier to train than a blind person's guide dog - she was taught parrot style Russian.
Kicked out one night from a low-level reconnaissance flight, she landed up in Valadamir Penismonsterski's garden.
He thought this was manna from heaven.
He took advantage of her.
They got married and lived happily ever after and MI 5,6, or 7 never heard a peep from her.
Saturday, July 13, 2019
CPR
CPR
A bloke comes out the pub.
Very drunk.
A bloke comes out the pub.
Very drunk.
He collapses onto the pavement.
‘Oh my lawd’, shout passer byes, ‘I think he is dying!’
He has stopped breathing and has no pulse.
‘Give him mouth to mouth and hit his heart.’
So say the audience as they take pictures to post on Instagram.
BUT…
In this moment, a man of sense turns up.
He pulls his pants down to expose a 22-inch, rock solid penis, and states-
‘I stick this up his arse, it will make him catch a breath and re-start his heart.’
The End
‘Oh my lawd’, shout passer byes, ‘I think he is dying!’
He has stopped breathing and has no pulse.
‘Give him mouth to mouth and hit his heart.’
So say the audience as they take pictures to post on Instagram.
BUT…
In this moment, a man of sense turns up.
He pulls his pants down to expose a 22-inch, rock solid penis, and states-
‘I stick this up his arse, it will make him catch a breath and re-start his heart.’
The End
Mugged in London
Wandering down the street one day.
On the way to the shops. Uphill all the way. So I presume I will be wandering back down again on the way home.
But – three youthful muggers were hanging around outside the shop.
On the way to the shops. Uphill all the way. So I presume I will be wandering back down again on the way home.
But – three youthful muggers were hanging around outside the shop.
‘Give us your wallet, or get a knife in the gut.’
Now, this is common stuff in London. You can get stabbed clearing airport security.
Yawn – Rhodies always make a plan.
‘I have no wallet, have no cash, I buy my booze and fags on tick and transfer electronically my debt every month.’
The leader of the muggers scratches his head, and says
‘Wot. Wot the fuck? We want booze, get us some or we stab ya.’
‘Sure’, I say and enter the shop. I wink at the owner. He is well rigged for such an occasion.
He goes into the back, returns with a chilled 20 litre keg labelled – Karl Greenberg Special Brew – 99%.
I hand it over to the potential muggers. They wander off laughing, giving each other five highs etc etc.
Next day- all over the news
They found their corpses in a nearby park. It seems they were preparing for winter and drank anti-freeze.
Now, this is common stuff in London. You can get stabbed clearing airport security.
Yawn – Rhodies always make a plan.
‘I have no wallet, have no cash, I buy my booze and fags on tick and transfer electronically my debt every month.’
The leader of the muggers scratches his head, and says
‘Wot. Wot the fuck? We want booze, get us some or we stab ya.’
‘Sure’, I say and enter the shop. I wink at the owner. He is well rigged for such an occasion.
He goes into the back, returns with a chilled 20 litre keg labelled – Karl Greenberg Special Brew – 99%.
I hand it over to the potential muggers. They wander off laughing, giving each other five highs etc etc.
Next day- all over the news
They found their corpses in a nearby park. It seems they were preparing for winter and drank anti-freeze.
Jenny Rainbow and her dog Porker
Jenny Rainbow and her dog Porker.
Wandering through a beautiful orchard of oranges and peaches and marijuana plants.
A lovely day, the sun shined and butterflys flitted here and there.
Wandering through a beautiful orchard of oranges and peaches and marijuana plants.
A lovely day, the sun shined and butterflys flitted here and there.
Jenny was 15 and still a virgin. But that has nothing to do with this story.
As she wandered with Porker, a 5 year old Labrador,and whom would she come across?
The local priest. Dressed in his black, glad holy rags and ponging worse than Porker could fart.
'Hello Jenny. What a lovely day for a walk. is that your doggie? What is his name?'
Jenny had no fear as the priest was not Catholic.
'Hi Father, this is Porker.'
Porker jumps around wanting to play.
'Jenny, such a strange name for a dog.'
The bees are buzzing between the blossoms, the heavens are clear. All is perfect.In fact - paradise - get a suicide vest.
Jenny replies -
'His name is Porker, because he likes to fuck pigs.'
The End.
As she wandered with Porker, a 5 year old Labrador,and whom would she come across?
The local priest. Dressed in his black, glad holy rags and ponging worse than Porker could fart.
'Hello Jenny. What a lovely day for a walk. is that your doggie? What is his name?'
Jenny had no fear as the priest was not Catholic.
'Hi Father, this is Porker.'
Porker jumps around wanting to play.
'Jenny, such a strange name for a dog.'
The bees are buzzing between the blossoms, the heavens are clear. All is perfect.In fact - paradise - get a suicide vest.
Jenny replies -
'His name is Porker, because he likes to fuck pigs.'
The End.
A Frozen Flying Blackman
Sunbathing in London
This bloke, dunno his name, was sunbathing in his garden:
All of a sudden a suddenness happen suddenly,
‘Splat’
This bloke, dunno his name, was sunbathing in his garden:
All of a sudden a suddenness happen suddenly,
‘Splat’
A frozen black man lands in his garden. Only one metre away. Dropped out the sky.
Left a crater 50 cms deep.
Dring dring.
999
‘This is emergency 999. How can we help?’
‘There is a frozen blackman whom fell out the sky who nearly killed me.’
‘Er…you state, as this is being recorded, a frozen Blackman fell out the sky and nearly killed you?’
‘Yes – I am traumatised. Can you send someone to remove him.’
`Hmm – what medication do you take?’
‘Ahh you nuts, you stupid cow! Imagine if he had landed on my car. Oh, great. My car is wrecked because a frozen Blackman fell out the sky!. Try telling that to your insurance..'
‘Have you thought of phoning your physiatrist? `
‘What?. What the fuck is a physiatrist? Listen, you dumb bint - I have a frozen Blackman buried in a crater in my garden that fell out the sky whilst I was sunbathing. How clear is that!'
'Is this a prank call?'
'Jesus resuscitate me. Have I not made it clear to you.I am going to phone the police and get you arrested. Did you ever get an education? Do you earn money by doing grunting and moaning on the phone?
'Actually, yes. Would you like my number? I accept PayPal, American Express and Visa.'
The End.
Left a crater 50 cms deep.
Dring dring.
999
‘This is emergency 999. How can we help?’
‘There is a frozen blackman whom fell out the sky who nearly killed me.’
‘Er…you state, as this is being recorded, a frozen Blackman fell out the sky and nearly killed you?’
‘Yes – I am traumatised. Can you send someone to remove him.’
`Hmm – what medication do you take?’
‘Ahh you nuts, you stupid cow! Imagine if he had landed on my car. Oh, great. My car is wrecked because a frozen Blackman fell out the sky!. Try telling that to your insurance..'
‘Have you thought of phoning your physiatrist? `
‘What?. What the fuck is a physiatrist? Listen, you dumb bint - I have a frozen Blackman buried in a crater in my garden that fell out the sky whilst I was sunbathing. How clear is that!'
'Is this a prank call?'
'Jesus resuscitate me. Have I not made it clear to you.I am going to phone the police and get you arrested. Did you ever get an education? Do you earn money by doing grunting and moaning on the phone?
'Actually, yes. Would you like my number? I accept PayPal, American Express and Visa.'
The End.
The 69 Bus
This bloke, can't remember his name, and
I am sick and tired of writing sketches about some blokes whom I can not remember their names!
Who cares? Not me. They all tend to die. Fucking wasters.
I am sick and tired of writing sketches about some blokes whom I can not remember their names!
Who cares? Not me. They all tend to die. Fucking wasters.
Ahh, such power - to dictate the life and death of no one that never existed.
So..anyway- this bloke, is standing at a cross road wanting to cross it but he was cross because he had just been fired for being a lazy bastard,
He starts to cross. he has ear phones up his nose as being deaf - that was the only way he could sniff some vibes.
And?
Just like all previous sketches, he gets fucking wasted by the number 69 bus to Trafalgar Queers.
So..anyway- this bloke, is standing at a cross road wanting to cross it but he was cross because he had just been fired for being a lazy bastard,
He starts to cross. he has ear phones up his nose as being deaf - that was the only way he could sniff some vibes.
And?
Just like all previous sketches, he gets fucking wasted by the number 69 bus to Trafalgar Queers.
Turn it on again
This bloke, can't remember his name, but I met him whilst visiting a
lunatic asylum. I was to be 'analised'- which sounds disgusting.
They filled me with magic drugs. Then popped me into the garden to contemplate my future. Next to the fish pond.
It was there I met this bloke. He was crying. (Fucking loser.)
They filled me with magic drugs. Then popped me into the garden to contemplate my future. Next to the fish pond.
It was there I met this bloke. He was crying. (Fucking loser.)
The Doctors had given him a smart phone in a vague hope it would sort
of wake him up out of a semi-conscious state, where he believed he would
be the next British Prime Minster.
(This rings a bell?)
Anyway, he was crying because he didn't know how to turn the phone on because he was an idiot.I knew how to turn it on.
Snatching the phone out his hand, I stated to sing that Genesis hit, Turn it on, turn it on, turn it on again
Turn it on, turn it on, turn it on again.
I just threw the phone in the pond. The idiot dives in, and promptly chokes to death on a goldfish.
THAT was the final straw. I was thrown out the place, let lose in the public domain for being far too clever.
So here I am.
(This rings a bell?)
Anyway, he was crying because he didn't know how to turn the phone on because he was an idiot.I knew how to turn it on.
Snatching the phone out his hand, I stated to sing that Genesis hit, Turn it on, turn it on, turn it on again
Turn it on, turn it on, turn it on again.
I just threw the phone in the pond. The idiot dives in, and promptly chokes to death on a goldfish.
THAT was the final straw. I was thrown out the place, let lose in the public domain for being far too clever.
So here I am.
Going on holiday
In 1979, Erich van Ghollsen Tesorius Wacker Penisis, the third Duke of FekenHall, died in a bank.
He was to go on holiday.
In Africa
He was to go on holiday.
In Africa
So...
in those days...no credit cards and the best way was American Express traveller cheques.
So, he orders 2000 cheques at 10 US dollar worth.
Well, he did not know that he had to sign them at the bank - for later use of counter signature.
So he started -
After signing 500 with Erich van Ghollsen Tesorius Wacker Penisis, he had a heart attack and died!
Stress related
in those days...no credit cards and the best way was American Express traveller cheques.
So, he orders 2000 cheques at 10 US dollar worth.
Well, he did not know that he had to sign them at the bank - for later use of counter signature.
So he started -
After signing 500 with Erich van Ghollsen Tesorius Wacker Penisis, he had a heart attack and died!
Stress related
The short history of Adam Pollit's life.
The short history of Adam Pollit's life.
Adam was brought up in a middle class family.
On the left of the caravan park were rich people, on the right was a slum full of African migrants.
Adam was brought up in a middle class family.
On the left of the caravan park were rich people, on the right was a slum full of African migrants.
He went to a good school.
It was classified as good, as only one teacher a month was stabbed to death by a pupil.
He liked maths. was quite good at it.
After leaving school he decided to become a self employed accountant.
The problem is that self-employed accountants are similar to whores - ugly and boring and only after your money.
Clever to con enough idiots out of some serious dosh, at the age of 35, he was still a virgin, never paid for sex, never had a girlfriend and lived on baked beans, a slice of toast and a boiled egg.
Which meant he suffered from severe flatulence.
It was a rainy day and Adam was waiting for the 69 bus.
The 69 bus has an appalling history of killing people. Drivers would cause a riot if picked to drive the route that ended in Trafalgar Queers.
It seemed every loon managed to get run over at one stop or another.
The Mayor of London actually contemplated cancelling the service. Hardly any 'normal' people took it because of the constant delays of squashed bodies, brains splattered on windows and other gory stuff.
So... just as the bus pulled into the stop, dead on time - 17 minutes late -
Adam had a huge, and huge -
gaseous explosion from his anal food rest abstracter.
According to the police report, three witness also at the bus stop, (in hospital recovering from severe methane poisoning), that -
the pavement was wet. Adam had an open umbrella and the force of his own wind and natures wind
pushed him direct into the path of the 69 bus.
Yawn.. the usual happens. Loads of screams, squealing brakes, brains on the windscreen, guts hanging off exhaust pipes, skin and meatless bones crushed under back tyres.
And some serious pissed off customers for not keeping his appointments.
The End... But wait - there are more incidents coming with bus number 69.
It was classified as good, as only one teacher a month was stabbed to death by a pupil.
He liked maths. was quite good at it.
After leaving school he decided to become a self employed accountant.
The problem is that self-employed accountants are similar to whores - ugly and boring and only after your money.
Clever to con enough idiots out of some serious dosh, at the age of 35, he was still a virgin, never paid for sex, never had a girlfriend and lived on baked beans, a slice of toast and a boiled egg.
Which meant he suffered from severe flatulence.
It was a rainy day and Adam was waiting for the 69 bus.
The 69 bus has an appalling history of killing people. Drivers would cause a riot if picked to drive the route that ended in Trafalgar Queers.
It seemed every loon managed to get run over at one stop or another.
The Mayor of London actually contemplated cancelling the service. Hardly any 'normal' people took it because of the constant delays of squashed bodies, brains splattered on windows and other gory stuff.
So... just as the bus pulled into the stop, dead on time - 17 minutes late -
Adam had a huge, and huge -
gaseous explosion from his anal food rest abstracter.
According to the police report, three witness also at the bus stop, (in hospital recovering from severe methane poisoning), that -
the pavement was wet. Adam had an open umbrella and the force of his own wind and natures wind
pushed him direct into the path of the 69 bus.
Yawn.. the usual happens. Loads of screams, squealing brakes, brains on the windscreen, guts hanging off exhaust pipes, skin and meatless bones crushed under back tyres.
And some serious pissed off customers for not keeping his appointments.
The End... But wait - there are more incidents coming with bus number 69.
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