Rage Against The Black Regime

How much anger can a man keep bottled up? When is enough, enough? How long must educated, semi-aware, socially conscious people of this planet, walk on the egg-shells of political correctness, before they finally have had it up to their necks with the bullshit? (That’s my philosophy with a small p, by the way.)

When I lived in Bavaria, Germany, the locals had a wonderful expression to illustrate when someone had pissed them off, BIG time. The trick was to hold your breath and force a rush of blood into the head by gritting the teeth hard. This will make the neck muscles writhe and bulge, and the veins stand out. At this point, the complainer would place his hands either side of his neck, in stiffened talons, and exclaim loud and with forced venom (in what is slang dialect)

‘Ich krieg so einen Hals!’ (I get such a throat!)

That is what I get when I read about what is going on in the land that was once a jewel and has now been turned into a sewer. The culprits should be sitting on a skewer, and sold as ‘Zim-kebabs’ outside the United Nations building.

Put a bullet through that daft, old fart, Mugabe’s head? Don’t make me fucking laugh! You need about 2 to 3 thousand rounds to take out all of the political elite that have literally leeched a land dry. AND – what would it achieve? Fuck all, actually. Show me a success case in African self-government, and I will show you a footage of the Roman Catholic Church Priests in Los Angeles, paying out millions for shagging their choir boys. (Come to think of it, that would be possible!)

Don’t point fingers at Botswana and preach success! Google the place and then ask the bushmen how their government treats them. Shame the poor bastards are sitting on Diamonds! All an average Western knows about Botswana is from a White Rhodesian, Alexander McCall Smith, who writes fictional novels about a Black, Number 1 female detective. Perhaps if he started a new series called Robbing Bob, No 1 of Zimbabwe, the place might get more coverage.

No-one in western government have big balls, anymore, except Australia’s PM who didn’t mince his words when he called Mugabe ‘a grubby, little Dictator.’

Turned on the news at the end of last week; Biggest story - Victoria (Posh) and David Beckham arrive in America. I am so fucking thrilled that I will rush out, order the forthcoming DVD, The Spice Girls: Return of The Last White and Brown Rehashed Trash, and search the net for David Beckham’s best selling novel, How To Speak The Queens English From the Bottom of a Bi-weekly Collected Trash Can.

When the press finally got tired of that, they got lucky because things really got exciting in Middle England. As Mugabe pointed out, in another of his insane, blame-game speeches,

‘The colonial, racist British gay gangsters, have many ways to try and bring down the legitimate government of Zimbabwe! They have created drought with their weather satellites over our land, and stolen the rain for themselves! Now we have no food in the shops!’

Maybe Bob was right; it then rained for 40 days and 40 nights (twice) in the UK (still more to come), and thousands of people don’t have to worry about a hose pipe ban, this summer.

I just received an email from my Mom in Zimbabwe. Power cuts everyday, they adapt by cooking what they can, when it occasionally comes on. Food? Well, her husband seems quite proficient at scouring the shops for what is left on the shelves, going from one shopping centre to another, on his bicycle. They have no petrol, but they seem to be OK and had been up in the stunningly beautiful Eastern Highlands for a break, just before Mugabe totally lost the plot, and enforced his wage-freeze policy.

Talking about Mugabe - he turned up at the opening of parliament the other day, in an open back Rolls Royce!

Now Robert is in shit-street, and he knows it. If the army, or the police top-dogs turn on him, it’s all over, so he needs yet another plan to keep the wolves from his door. Governor Gono of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe has pretty well given up. What smart money is still left in the place, he will take and do a runner, soon. With the shop-keepers, wholesalers, and what manufacturing sector is left, being forced into bankruptcy (some 4000 managers/owners have been arrested, some thrown into jail), Mugabe has decided to ‘indigenise’ all privately-owned firms! Very soon all firms will have to be 51% owned by a Black man. This starts to get confusing if the firm is already owned by a Black man!

What Mugabe means, of course, is that his cronies will become ‘Directors’ and go on another frenzied feed, till there is nothing left!

Scrolling through all the news about Zimbabwe on the net, I came across something about an economic ‘think tank’, who had worked out that ten-billion pounds will be needed to sort Zimbabwe out. Really, and whose money will be used? Has Bill Gates decided to buy an entire country? Will Bob Geldof throw yet another concert?

How about a real line-up of stars, past and present, especially adapted for Zimbabwe?

(We in) Dire Straits - Money for nothing, Get Ya bullets For Free!

Tom Jones - Sex Bomb, Sex Bum, You’re my AIDS Bomb!

Justine Timberlake - Cry Me A Croc-Infested River To Cross!

Garry Glitter - I’m The Leader of Farm Invader Gangs - Yeah!

The Police - I Will Hack-Off Your Fingers!

Emimnem - You Got One Shot To Ruin A Country, Don’t Ever Let It Go!

Shirley Bassey - Blood Diamonds Are For Ever!

Cher - Whiteys, Gays and Racists!

Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney - Ebony and Ebony, Looting or Starving in Perfect Harmony!

Eric Clapton - I Shot The Farmer, But I Didn’t Grow Anymore Crops!

10 Billion is a snippet! How many London Olympics is that? Don’t know? Not surprised, because NO one knows what the cost of that will be, but there are people out there who happily come out with a nice round sum to ‘fix’ Zim. I am amazed. I do presume they calculated that 80% of that gets creamed off!

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From the Times, Dated Today

Babies abandoned as police beat mothers

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article2148357.ece

Finally, to wrap up today’s rant, I have copied a letter I’ve received. I was about the 6th forwarded, (why are people so lazy) so I had more >>>>>>> than the zero’s on a Zim-billion dollar bearer cheque, to get rid of. I added a few words now and then, and corrected some of the spelling, as whoever wrote this, was also in one hell of a rage:

News top story: Mugabe faces pressure as currency crashes!

Imagine this was on a bookstall banner advertising a new novel. It would be a hit, probably one of the best drama and horrors, all rolled into one.

Shit, I love a story with a happy ending. This has to be a best seller, and even better there is pain and suffering from start to finish. The main culprit has put millions of his own through the wringer, a far better job than any military or colonial leader could have ever achieved, cock your Nazi cap to perfection Adolf. Now to cap it all he has turned it into a basket case for the rest of the natural lives of the main players, and certainly all those poor souls still trapped in that time warped country. ‘Pamberi Mugabe.’

I reckon we all should be voting to keep the old codger in power. He is systematically committing genocide of his own race. Lets support him, after all he has the experience to f*ck every thing he touches.

‘Pamberi Mugabe,
Pamberi
ZANU-PF.’

4500% inflation - and soaring. 80% out of jobs - but they have political freedom. No health care - just don't get sick and avoid queues, if you can, so you don't get infected with TB. No food security - no white farmers to bail them out their man made shithole. No electrical power - have destroyed Kariba's ability to provide even a small amount of usable energy. No manufacturing industry - they are a lazy lot and it's far more productive herding cattle and sitting in a tree beside the road, for the educated sleeping in parliament is a much better occupation. Transport network grinding to a halt - aaaah we don't need roads and rail for our donkey carts. Education! - standards have been lowered so far down the international norm that even persons with an IQ of 60 can be considered University material in Zimboland. Fuel - well fossil fuel as you and I know it in the form of petrol, diesel etc is in dire short supply and hellish expensive when you can get it, but no problem, there are plenty of trees on the whitey's farms, and we have donkey carts.

Remind me - less the donkey carts - wasn't it like this when our forefathers arrived? No inflation, no jobs, no health care, no food and no crops, no power, no industry, no roads, no schools or varsities, no sustainable fuel supply. Dare I say no country and certainly no Zimbabwe. The expected response from a modern day cabinet minister would probably be "Aaaaahhh, No Problems!"

So in reality the country is going backwards, every where else in the world, individuals, governments, nations, even continents are striving to go forward, improve their living standards. But Mugabe bless his soul - if he has one – is destroying everything that was built up to better the people and the land.

Sadly the rest of the world have sat back - albeit amid quiet diplomacy - in fear of rejection and castigation by the almighty Mugabe.

The whites that insist on living in this man made dump are suffering delusions of a by gone era - get a grip! It was wonderful, it was God's own country, it was a happy community, it had great Castle beer, it was simply the best. But now it is simply and by the longest shot the worst. Only Baghdad could possibly be worse, possibly I said!

And the Devil was heard to chant with glee,

‘Pamberi Mugabe, Pamberi ZANU-PF, Pamberi Zimbabwe! Soon I will own all those poor sad souls. Thank you my partner in crime, the one, the only, the biggest sham and embarrassment to independent black Africa, Robert Gabriel Mugabe. I, the devil will immortalize you in hell, for you are surely great!’

And all the while the rhetoric and spin doctors will echo the infamous words of the last Rhodesians leader,

‘There will never be black rule in my lifetime.’ But of course the press miss-quoted him, what he really said was,

‘Of course there will be black miss-rule in my lifetime’

Spin that one you ......

Zimbabwe Wonder Woman

Zimbabwe's Coventry wins fifth swimming gold at Africa Games

http://africa.reuters.com/country/ZW/news/usnBAN822946.html

Wed 18 Jul 2007, 5:23 GMT

Zimbabwe's double Olympic champion Kirsty Coventry won her fifth swimming gold at the All Africa Games after another evening in which South Africa dominated swimming in the capital Algiers on Tuesday.

But the swimming competition was almost marred by a rowdy crowd who hurled three empty bottles into the pool, reviving memories of the Arab Games three years ago when swimming was scrapped from the programme following crowd trouble.

I flew over to interview Kirsty and asked her what incentives brought her this latest success. She told me that at first she couldn’t be arsed because the bottles that had been thrown into the pool had no deposit on them and therefore useless. She then went on to say,

‘But, when my trainer lowered a pair of Bata (Get Smarter, Wear Bata) ‘tackies’ (popular white plimsolls), on a piece of string with the new government enforced price reduction tag on them, I just had to get them before the other girls.’

She continued, ‘it is hard to get around these days in Zimbabwe, what with the west stealing all the petrol and stuff, ya know, so I have to walk a lot and my last pair of tackies blew a flat a while ago. I got them for my 16^th birthday and I had to cut a hole out at the front to let my big toe stick out because it was curling up!’

Kirsty has nothing but praise for the polices of President Mugabe. ‘I tell ya, hey, at first, when it all went tits up, ya know, like they took all the farms, and now we got no electricity and the people drank all the water out the pool where I train. I thought, I gotta to find a place to swim, where I can be really pushed. Then I heard about all those people swimming across the Limpopo to get too South Africa, and they getting eaten by flatdogs (local slang for crocodiles) and I started training there. I tell ya - ya gotta swim fast when they come after ya, hey!’

I asked her what she intended to do with her new Gold medals.

‘I got to give 51% of them to the Government because of some new law or whatever and the rest I gonna swop for some chicken feet on the black market so my family won’t go hungry.’

I asked if she had opinion about the one legged swimmer from South Africa, Natalie Du Toit in the women's 1,500 freestyle, winning the Gold in that event.

‘It’s a fucking disgrace. Like that man with no legs, running on flattened plastic chop sticks. Of course she has an advantage. She has less weight to drag through the water! I am seriously thinking about chopping my arms off and having elephant ear implants. I tell ya, that would give an entire new meaning to the butterfly stroke!’

My $1.000,000 Donation To Africa

Just a quickie to fill in the time till my next important posting.

This has arrived in my Email box a few minutes ago and has moved me to tears. I will of course do the right thing and not claim my prize because as you can see, if unclaimed within a certain time the money goes to a worthy cause in Africa. Is that not so fantastic! I am crying with joy.

All those poor people starving to death in Zimbabwe because of people like me, will be benefited because I finally have a social conscious and ( one moment please, must open another tin of beer…glug glug – right where was I), and realise that YES, people like me , the neo-colonialist, the rampant Pan-African rapist, the off-spring of slavers, white war mongering capitalist, bigoted racialist, (where the fuck is that last tin of beer? I am sure I left it in the fridge overnight…damn), mmmm, what else, trained killer of innocent Black people (well, I think that’s a bit of poetic licence there, I wouldn’t exactly call myself well trained in that matter, although I never managed to shoot myself in the foot , even when pissed out my box), CAN change their ways and become model citizens of the world with humility and dignity (hey, the sun has just come out – I don’t believe it! After 2 and half months of pissing rain!), and, er, YES we can do something to ease suffering to those we have suffered on (is this making any sense?) and so I with utmost modesty give away 1 million dollars (fuck me, that’s a lot of beer-hey!) to those more wanton of it than me.

MOTTO: FIGHTING POVERTY ROUND THE WORLD

FROM THE DESK OF THE E-MAIL PROMOTIONS MANAGER,

INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT,

AND AWARD PRESENTATION CENTER, UNITED KINGDOM .

MICROSOFT CORPORATION WORD LOTTERY,

UNITED KINGDOM

61-70 Southamptom Row, Bloomsbury

London, United Kingdom WC1B 4AR

REFERENCE NO: MSW-L/200-26937

BATCH NO: 2005SEPT#22

WINNER NO: 5

ELECTRONIC MAIL AWARD WINNING NOTIFICATION.

DEAR WINNER,

MICROSOFT CORPORATION MANAGEMENT WORLDWIDE ARE PLEASED TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU ARE A WINNER OF OUR ANNUAL MS-WORD LOTTO LOTTERY CONDUCTED IN EUROPE BEING THE HOST OF THE EVENT FOR THIS PRESENT YEAR MEGA JACKPOT LOTTO WINNING PROGRAMS HELD ON 16th July, 2007.

YOUR PERSONAL E-MAIL OR YOUR COMPANY E-MAIL ADDRESS WAS ATTACHED TO MSWLL. WITH SERIAL NUMBER S/N-00168 DREW THE LUCKY NUMBERS 887-13-865-37-10-83, AND CONSEQUENTLY WON THE LOTTERY IN THE FIRST CATEGORY.YOU HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR LUMP SUM OF $1,000,000.00 (ONE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS) PAYABLE IN CASH CREDITED TO FILE WITH REFERENCE NO: MSW-L/200-26937. THIS IS FROM TOTAL PRIZE MONEY OF $25,000,000.00 USD, SHARED AMONG THE TWNETY FIVE (25) LUCKY INTERNATIONAL WINNERS IN FIRST AND SECOND CATEGOERY.

ALL PARTICIPANT WERE SELECTED FROM WORLD WIDE WEBSITES ESPECIALLY YAHOO MAIL THROUGH OUR MICROSOFT COMPUER BALLOT SYSTEM DRAWN FROM 21,000 NAMES,AND 3,000 NAMES FROM EACH CONTINENT(CANADA, ASIA, AUSTRALIA, UNITED STATES, EUROPE, MIDDLE EAST, AFRICA, AND OCEANIA, AS PART OF OUR INTERNATIONAÑ E-MAIL PROMOTIONS PROGRAM WHICH IS CONDUCTED ANNUALLY FOR OUR PROMONET MICROSOFT WORD USERS ALL OVER THE WOLRD AND TO ENCOURAGE THE USE OF INTERNATE AND COMPUTERS WORLDWIDE.

YOUR FUND (CERTIFIED CHEQUE) HAS BEEN INSURED WITH YOUR REF NO: MSW-L/200-26937 AND WILL BE READY FOR DELIVERY. IT WILL BE DELIVERED TO YOU BY ONE OF OUR CLAIM AGENT IN CHARGE OF YOUR ZONE (SR. CARL LOUIS ). YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS SHOULD BE USED IN ALL CORRESPONDENCE WITH YOUR CLAIMS OFFICER, PLEASE NOTE THAT, YOU ARE TO CONTACT YOUR CLAIMS OFFICER VIA EMAIL AND PHONE AS WE ARE PROMOTING THE USE OF E-MAIL. ALSO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CALL HIM TO CONFIRM YOUR WINNINGS AND GOVERNMENT TAX PAYMENT THAT IS ALL, AS HE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH THE NECESSARY DETAILS ON HOW TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE.

AS PART OF OUR SECURITY PROTOCOL YOU ARE TO QUOTE THIS SECURITY CODE MSW/FEB/XX06 TO YOUR CLAIMING AGENT. THIS IS TO PREVENT SCAM .

PRIZE CLAIM

MAXCON SEGUROS MADRID ESPAÑA S.A

PRIMERO DE MAYO 26 28008 MADRID ESPAÑA.

OFFICER CONTACT IS:

E-MAIL: maxconseguros@aim.com

TEL / FAX: + 34-911-849-810

CLAIMS AGENT,

SR. CARL LOUIS.

CLAIMS AGENT

REMEMBER, ALL PRIZE MONEY MUST BE CLAIMED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. ALL FUNDS NOT CLAIMED ON OR BEFORE THE FIXED DATE WILL BE RETURNED AS UNCLAIMED AND DONATED TO CHARITY ORGANIZATION IN AFRICA .

NOTE: IN ORDER TO AVOID MISTAKES, PLEASE REMEMBER TO QUOTE YOUR REFERENCE AND BATCH NUMBERS AND YOUR SECURITY CODE OF MSW/FEB/XX06 IN ALL CORRESPONDENCES WITH YOUR CLAIMS OFFICER. DO NOT REPLY ANY OTHER MAILS LIKE THIS ON NET, AS THEY ARE A LOT OF SCAM ARTIST OUT THERE PRETENDING TO BE US. YOU MAY SEE MAILS LIKE THIS DO NOT REPLY.

DO CONTACT YOUR CLAIMS OFFICER SR. CARL LOUIS via maxconseguros@aim.com AT ONCE YOU WILL BE ASKED TO PROVIDE SOME DETAILS TO ENABLE THE OFFICE PROCEED WITH YOUR WINNING CERTIFICATE AND FILE KEEPING.

CONGRATULATIONS, ONCE MORE FROM THE ENTIRE MANAGEMENT AND STAFF OF MICROSOFT CORPORATION TO ALL OUR LUCKY WINNERS THIS YEAR. THANK YOU FOR BEING PART OF THIS PROMOTIONAL LOTTERY PROGRAM. OUR SPECIAL THANKS AND GRATITUDE TO BILL GATES OF MICROSOFT AND ALL HIS ASSOCIATES FOR ALLEVIATING POVERTY AROUND THE WORLD.

SINCERELY,

BLAH BLAH BLAH, ETC ETC - You think the idiots would at least use a spell checker!

Mugabe replaces Father Christmas.

Summer, spring and winter sales (and autumn), were all the rave in Zimbabwe this last week after the great liberator of colonial oppression, President Robert Mugabe slashed all prices of everything in the land by a minimum of 50%.

Thousands of citizens stormed the shops in unprecedented numbers to take advantage of the pre Christmas/forth coming election bonanza. Many were disappointed as the police and war veterans, forcibly chased them back with whips, so as to load their own vehicles with the bargains. Fridges and freezers were all the rave, which was rather odd, as there is hardly any power (that’s because the government admitted that a monkey had sabotaged a transformer), and even having a generator is no longer going to help as all the petrol has been sold.

Shop owners are terrified, and over 2500 have been arrested so far for refusing to slash prices to suicidal bankruptcy levels.

"This is not going to last," said a company executive who asked not to be
named. "Fuel is going to run out and there will be no deliveries, no
services. The people who are benefiting from this legalised looting will be
the same people throwing stones in a few weeks."

In honour of the President’s brilliant economic plan, Zimbabwe television at the end of a televised debate, aptly entitled, ‘Let Them Eat Kak’ (Afrikaans expletive - Shit), invited a famous ‘70s band to perform his favourite song. It is well worth a look -

You know what this means? Yup, its anarchy with a big A on its way. Mugabe has even stopped the imports of perishables from South Africa! All basic commodities are gone from the shelves. I come across the craziest shit on the net. Hotels in Zim tell their few guests not to pay for the breakfast with credit cards as it will set them back £500 (Yes, I am not joking!).

No western lands can report legally from Zimbabwe but Al Jazeera can – have look at this.

Britain of course has other things to worry about when it comes to Africa.

The Commission for Racial Equality claimed the cartoon book, Tintin In The Congo depicted "hideous racial prejudice" and that it should be removed from sale.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;jsessionid=2H4WMYBJL2ZVRQFIQMFSFF4AVCBQ0IV0?xml=/news/2007/07/12/ntintin112.xml

Meanwhile, in present day Congo, the government seems fit to treat its populace with equal dignity-

Outcry in Congo as pygmy musicians housed in zoo

Fri 13 Jul 2007, 12:34 GMT

http://africa.reuters.com/top/news/usnBAN347233.html

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Do you remember the haunting footage from 2000 of the floods in Mozambique? If my memory is correct, a South African helicopter rescued a woman, who had taken refuge in a tree and subsequently gave birth there. The world reacted generously to the appeals for help and the little girl and her family were showered with gifts. Seven years later, how are things for the family? –

Flood baby born in a tree is left penniless by her father’s greed

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article2067090.ece

That will do for a while – this global warming is driving me to despair, it hasn’t stopped bloody raining here for two and half months!

Secret Lives: Robert Mugabe’s Zimbabwe

This is a picture of me with my copy of the book Rhodesian Memories Part 1, that was kindly sent to me by Bill McDonald from www.lekkerwear.com who helped to compile and publish it. (You can order a copy from there.) I am proud to say that two of my anecdotes are in it. Best of all, the very first story is mine! Having read about a third of the book so far, I have come to the conclusion that my anecdotes are the best. How’s that for modesty. The others are good of course; don’t get me wrong, I am just preening myself.

I was sitting on the toilet this morning, reading some more from a contribution by Derek Partridge. He was quite the celebrity on Rhodesian television. Then suddenly, as I was pressing a large coil, I was stopped in mid push by a name that sprang out the page - Bill Basson. It mentioned that Bill, who at the time was the chairman of British American Tobacco, had in his 1977 government appointed investigation of the new board of the Rhodesian Broadcasting Corporation, recommended sacking all the directors and most of the top radio management. Quoting from the book, Derek says –

‘it was not implemented…and the results were disastrous for RTV and for Rhodesian viewers.’

Very interesting indeed, but so what? Well, I am sick and tired of seeing the name Basson in some form of print because it makes me feel like a loser. His son, Ryk, has at least three photographs of himself in the book Rhodesian Senior Schools Part 2; lined up in the rugby team, the water polo team, the bloody athletic team (vomit vomit), but you won't see a picture of me in the gymspastics team! Ryk and I were in the same class at Mount Pleasant School for a while. He was always top of the class academically and I was always at the bottom. I was always at the top for being a clown, then and now, whilst Ryk went on to be a dentist. It was him who pulled my rotting tooth out my head a short time ago and it was him along with a few other best friends that said to me last week ‘when are you finishing the bloody book?’. Here is the answer -

With Part 1 of my memoirs, Last Of The Rhodesians: Chronicles of a Colonial Anarchist, now heading towards the 600 page mark, I realised I was floundering. The first book only covers my antics up till the age of 21 and had to make a new plan. I had always decided to have it in three sections. The school years, the police years and the last bit covered my exodus from Rhodesia and some of my adventures in Europe, as a sort of prologue to the next book.

With Zimbabwe crashing down like a house of cards in flames, I needed to get something finished as soon as possible while the subject is still hot. I decided to go back to the beginning and go over once again the school years. I discovered that along with substantial rewriting needed, in the time that has passed since I first wrote the chapters, I have recalled more details. Now thanks to my courses with the Open University in creative writing, I have the ability to make LOTR far better than even I imagined.

So the plan is to finish the school years in its entirety and with luck I will have it ready in time for Christmas. I will keep you informed. You will not be disappointed, that I promise. It will have all the trademarks of my style of writing – highly entertaining, extremely honest, full of satirical wit and most of all, very very funny!

Oh, if your looking for a good dentist in London, click on the link Rhodie dentist.

If you have a moment, please take time to look at the pictures from yesterdays The Guardian newspaper. The one above is taken from the collection of 26 harrowing images. (It is the entrance gate to one of the invaded farms.) I looked and when I compared them to the pictures in my head of my own childhood in the same place, my mind just boggled.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/gallery/2007/jul/06/internationalnews.zimbabwenews?picture=330151019

Finally, I took this bit from an article in today’s Telegraph –

Judith Todd's father, Sir Garfield Todd, was Rhodesia's last liberal leader and she was imprisoned, force-fed and exiled under Ian Smith's rule for her efforts to promote black majority rule.

This is of course very bad. But is the next part very good?

After independence she returned to head a development agency working particularly with the war veterans who had fought for Zimbabwe. But when she criticised Mr Mugabe's regime she was detained and raped by a senior army officer, she revealed yesterday.

Of course not – but if you read the rest of the article, this women still has shit for brains. I wonder if she would write a nice glowing forward for my book – NOT!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;jsessionid=0VEARKCTHR5E5QFIQMFCFFOAVCBQYIV0?xml=/news/2007/07/09/wzim109.xml

Insane In The Membrane : Mugabe Lost The Plot Completely?

News from Africa generally tends to be the same. Rape, murder, pillaging, corruption, mass starvation and the commonest theme of all – ‘Hey Whitey, this is all your fault, give us your fucking money.’

Well, we are all getting tired of this rhetoric and are constantly wondering when the leaders of African countries are finally going to get out of their latest models of Hummers and Mercedes, pull their fingers out their fat asses and finally decide to do something about their continent.

So the leaders decided this week to have a party. African leaders love parties, especially if they can all clap each other on the back and say ‘ahh, well done, I see you are progressing nicely with the ethnic cleansing and has the G8 money arrived in your Swiss bank account yet?’

This party was slightly different because the African Union, struggling to come up with some bright ideas to relieve the depravation of the continents 99.99% of the population (the other 0.01 were at the conference), spurred on by reformed terrorist (now Number 1 UK pal), Insane Membrane al- Gad-dafti of Libya, came up with an amazing idea to turn all 53 countries in Africa into a United States of Africa!

Pure brilliance! Africa is saved! One enthusiastic supporter of this rather old idea, is non other than our favourite despot, Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe. In front of cheering crowds in Ghana, where the conference was taking place, Bob explained that this would counter balance the western powers. He babbled on more gobbledy gook, but it isn’t worth repeating here, as we have heard it all before and would rather watch the Teletubbies on TV - at least they seem to make sense! Anyway, besides having a jolly good feast, nothing came out of it, because they weren’t prepared to share the loot equally.

Meanwhile, Bob has been busy shouting down the phone to his pals back at home, that the best way to sort out the inflation is to make all the shops cut there prices by 50%. And, if the shops didn’t comply, send in the army and police to beat up the owners and managers! This they duly did and many people were happy with this bonanza. With inflation running (officially) around 4000% (hold on, I just looked at my watch, change that to 5100%), all this stroke of economical cleverness did was reduce the price of goods to its original price, wait for it – from 7 days ago! You think that is clever?

The banks were ordered that the maximum that may be drawn out of a persons account per day, in cash, is 1.5 million. That’s about £6 on the black market (today’s rate). Companies were allowed to have double that.

Things can only get worse, and they did. The last few manufacturers are obviously rather reluctant to sell their stuff for half of what it costs them to make it. No problemo, Bob will take them over. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see where this is all going. And to top it all, mad Bob blames this all on the British. All the shops are in cahoots with the UK, deliberately driving up the prices faster than the Reserve Bank can print money and that is just not fair!

What do African leaders love doing the most after they just finished having a party? They go to another one! This time the food will be better because the Europeans are paying for it. This one is coming up in Portugal and is a so called EU – AU summit or something. This one will have the same theme – ‘Thieving white colonial racist war mongering Jew loving gay gangsters, give us your fucking money!’

Amazingly, Mad Bob is also invited. So much for smart sanctions. (Very clever.) It seems that some of his pals made lots of noises about not coming if their mate Bob wasn’t invited to the bash. As far as I am concerned the EU can save loads of money and tell the lot of em stay at home.

Still, they might be in for a little bit of a surprise when it comes to begging from the French. Their new Bwana is made of a lot more sterner stuff than that Mugabe arse licking toss pot Chirac. President Nicolas Sarkozy has had enough of the thieving bastards and has let loose his dogs of law….

This is just an excerpt from a very interesting article that is the first bit of good news I have heard coming out of Africa in a long time.

From The Times, June 21, 2007

International estimates of embezzlement by Africa’s ruling families vary. In 2002 the Tax Justice Network set the figure at $30 billion (£15 billion) a year from sub-Saharan Africa.

The prosecutors have acted on complaints from four French rights organisations over the alleged large-scale theft of international aid and national wealth by African leaders. The initial inquiry focuses on mansions and apartments that are owned by the leaders of Gabon and the Congo in western Paris.

Read the full thing –

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article1963997.ece

Zimbabwe : Weapon of Mass Destruction is Found!

Finally it has happened. As the west had predicted, a tin pot tyrant would eventually get his hands on a weapon so powerful, that millions of innocent people would die long suffering deaths.

More destructive than your average atomic bomb, this weapon is simple to operate and amazingly can be used again and again, so long as it s supplied with basic raw materials easily available world wide. The most alarming fact is that it was the west who gave Zimbabwe the technology in the first place!

What is so sinisterly clever with this weapon of mass destruction is the subtle way it works. Once the weapon is activated and left to operate, spewing out its deadly pile, there is little any one can do to protect themselves. Many flee, risking life and limb to escape too another country. There they struggle to exist and send what they can back to relatives slowly dying back at home.

Why, you may ask, has no western government reacted, like they did in Iraq?

This is because the Government of Zimbabwe is very clever. This weapon is designed only to kill its own people. Slowly but surely those that are trapped in the land succumb to its deadly affects. Since the bomb was activated seven years ago, like cancerous tumours the deadly stuff just grows and grows. Only the elite, those that started the weapon, are still immune, but some fear it has become like a Frankenstein monster, running amok and out of control.

Many experts predict that the weapon will self implode at any moment, but rumours abound that should this happen, a new updated version would replace it with a modern digital version capable of printing a million bearer cheques with a million dollar face value a minute and continue its destruction deep within the vaults of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe.

President Robert Mugabe remains defiant and ridicules all reports of the country’s economic demise. At a recent speech at the funeral of a leading member of ZANU (PF) hierarchy (who had mysteriously decided to park his car on a railway crossing, just as the train arrived), the great liberator said,

‘The street beggars are still accepting sacks of Zimbabwe Dollars, so there is nothing wrong with the economy, stupid!’

He also added,

‘Our security forces have recently infiltrated a training camp for the off spring of Ian Smith’s Selous Scouts, who were intending to invade us. However we have successfully routed them.’

The film, showing this successful mission by ZANU (PF), whose emblem is the chicken, has been shown constantly on Zimbabwean television.

Tony Blair - Good Bye and Good Riddance

For those who may not know it, the great leader of the United Kingdom has today done a runner, jacked in his job and will ride off into the sunset and make loads of money by talking more unbelievable lies to idiots who pay to hear them.

In my homage to him, I searched the net to find a general picture of the type of populace that voted him into power and kept him there for 10 painful years. It was difficult as there were so many examples, all having their own merit but in the end I settled on this one.

As you will see in this short film, these Labour supporters tend to be well educated, completely in control of their mental capacities and, as in this example, the backbone of the British economy. The glue that holds British society together is apparent in the comradely way this clip has been presented. The young man starring in this moving tribute is unquestionably a role model for the word Great before the Britain.

What did interest me, and you need sharp eyes to notice it, is what appears to be a very large GERMAN influence! Watch the video and see if you can spot what I did.

Did you spot it? Yes, the beer tin looks suspiciously like it is a Summerfield’s own brand Bavarian Wheat Beer 5.3%. I do have a special affinity to the stuff, as it is the real Mc Coy. As an expert on wheat beer, or as it is correctly pronounced, WeissBier, this wonderful brew is on the par to the famed weiss beer made by Paulauner of Munich. In fact, I secretly think it is from the same brewery. So, look for that silver and blue can, sometimes it is on a special at 99 pence a pop (weep blood, Paulauner is selling at 28 pence a pop in Germany), and give it a go!

Then you too can also get so shit faced, that you will demand that the new Prime Minister of Binging Britain, Gorden Brown’s first job is to reduce the tax on alcohol. That, after all, is guaranteed to get him loads of votes.

Free Marco Weiss

Do you remember the story of the 12 year old British girl who had sex with a 19 year old Turkish waiter whilst on holiday in Turkey? Do you remember the hoo-haa that followed? The Muslim wedding, the press coverage and exclusive interviews for sums of money undisclosed from News of The World and The Sun tabloid papers.

It all blew away, presumably the girl went back to school and the waiter became a small celebrity and starred as himself in a film about the whole sordid affair.

What you haven’t seen on the news and it appears only now to have trickled into the British press, is the incarceration in Turkey, of Marco Weiss, 17, a volunteer with a German aid agency. He is accused of assaulting a 13 year old girl, known as Charlotte M, from Manchester, at a hotel in the resort of Antalya during the Easter holiday. He was arrested after the girl’s mother filed a complaint against him.

Reading both versions of the story, this was a holiday flirt that went horribly wrong. There is no ‘assault’, just the debate did the kid prematurely eject with or with out the fully clothed girl’s encouragement, whilst in her hotel bedroom. The mother reported Marco Weiss to the police. He has been sharing a cell with 30 other prisoners since April 11^th. Turkish prisons aren’t exactly up to European specs!
Marco’s father, a taxi driver, is suffering from leukaemia and can ill afford to see his son for the allowed 8 minutes a week.

The whole sorry affair has now blown into a full scale political row between Berlin and Ankara. The biggest tabloid in Europe, the German Bild Zeitung, is having a field day stirring up passions and a large percentage of the German population see this as another reason for not allowing Turkey into the European Union. Pressure is building against the German government to appeal to the girl’s mother to drop the charges and let Marco, described as a model student, to go home.

I think it is a good idea before this gets really out of hand. I would be the first to say a big thank-you to Charlotte M. and her family.

After all, Antalya is well known for the type of clientele that frequent its cheap all inclusive resorts, little girls who are 13 but look older, who seem to have access to alcohol and are allowed by their parents to stay out late at night in discos.

The Turkish authorities have now requested help in questioning the girl from the British police.

Article in today’s The Times at

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article1987673.ece

Latest article in Germany’s Bild Zeitung

http://www.bild.t-online.de/BTO/news/2007/06/27/tuerken-knast-marco/aussagen-geschlechts-verkehr.html

Happy Birthday to ME!

Exactly nine years ago I nearly got shafted by a big Blackman in Jamaica. For my 40^th birthday I decided to spend two weeks in dreadlock paradise and spent 14 days completely wasted on local grass and Bolivian cocaine. Whilst I had heard that drugs were easily available, being a proper Boy Scout, I thought I better ‘Be prepared’ and became the first idiotic tourist to actually import dope into Jamaica!

I realised that my fears had been totally ungrounded as between the airport terminal and the bus, that was to take me to my run down dump of a hotel on the Negril beach, I scored for 10 US bucks enough grass to keep a troop of baboons permanently stoned for a month.

At the hotel, now semi-wasted after a couple of joints during a pit stop in the three hour bus ride over roads of Congolese type quality (i.e. full of giant water filled holes surrounded by loads of Black people doing fuck all but laugh as the vehicle, full of petrified whiteys, plunged in up to its axels), I was fleeced for 5 bucks by the hotel porter. He promised to fix my bed, which for some reason was sagging in the middle all the way to the floor, and noticing my jet-lagged state offered me a little wake up powder for a 100 US.

Wham – that sorted me out, pure Columbian, greyish in colour with crystals to match the beauty of snowflakes!

The hotel was occupied by a curious mixture of all inclusive tourists from Germany and, of all places, Manchester. The World Cup football was on at the time and much to my delight the pool side bar had a television showing almost every game. I soon had a routine - wake up trashed, a quick line of good old pick me up sniffed up my nostrils and wander down to the bar with a paranoiac grin and my bug eyes well hidden behind mirror glasses. At 11 the first match would be shown and much to the bemusement of the other vacationers I supported Germany, England and every country from Africa.

Lashings of beer replaced any food I needed and the 1pm match would end at the same time as the heavens opened up for the afternoon shower and that was my cue to head for my room. There I would drag out my portable sterio of CD walkman and battery powered mini speakers and set them up in the hallway come balcony. As the rain lashed down, on went Bob Marley and to the sounds of
‘excuse me while I light my Splif,
ahh God how I need a lift’
etc etc, I would puff on an extra strong Marley whilst chucking several captain Morgan 71% proof rum and coke down my throat to slow down my heart which had been pumping blood around my body faster than an F1 race car since I got up. By 7 pm I was in lah lah land but certainly wasn’t going to waste my time sleeping, so after some more of the South American jungle magic up the nose, I was ready for anything. That includes Karaoke down at one of the beach bars.

With my new friends (all Germans, as I understood them better than the Mancurian riff-raff, whose conversational skills consisted of, ‘beer, beer, look at me chick again, I ficken glass ya!’), we went on the piss and I came second with a brilliant redemption of REM’s ‘Loosing My Religion’. By that time I had lost everything, including the plot, never mind religion. I was complimented on my superb ability to match the smoky type redemption of the original. That was because my vocal chords had been systematically been burnt by large quantities of home grown for the last week. The winner was a local Jamaican girl who picked up the 100 dollar prize. However I was informed by one tourist that she won all the time and was employed by the pub…Aaah, all is fair in love and whores, which there were plenty off on the beach, being pimped by there ‘brothers’. Even blasted out my skul, I kept away from that nonsense.

Sadly, my local drug dealer, the ‘porter’, was given the sack after turning up for work one morning ranting like some demented loon. Prior to that happening, I did manage to get a hammer and some nails and repair my bed, but now I was bit stuck for more Columbian smelling salts. The beach is riddled with dodgy dreadlocks offering everything from their mothers to heroin, but at my next transaction I was given baking powder mixed with salt. Cleverly, against the advice of my latest ‘best friend’, to check its purity in public, I did and promptly howled my head off! I didn’t give a monkey and waved the bag of junk around whilst proclaiming loudly that I had been knocked by ‘this mother-fucker’. A hundred hurried apologies and ‘a terrible mix up’ – yeah right, like the Coke is stashed in a tin next to the baking powder in every Jamaican kitchen, and within a couple of minutes was given the real McCoy.

Sadly, all good things must come to an end and looking seriously tanned and at least 5kg lighter (Coke is great if you want to loose weight, you simply can’t be arsed to eat), I arrived at Munich airport. Much to my amusement, quite a few of my fellow passengers were dragged off to be given an A1 search job and peeping through the window, I had a good laugh watching peoples’ shampoo and suncream bottles get squirted all over the place.

Me – this Boy Scout was far to clever to risk bringing anything back. A crying shame really as I landed up giving a massive handful of own grown away to the bloke in the hotel room next door.

And now I am off to get wasted...catch ya laters....

Lets All Drink To The Death Of A Clown

Bernard Manning is dead at the age of 76. He was fat, ugly, uncouth and vomited obscenities faster than a Pakistani protesting over Salman Rushdie’s knighthood.

What made him unique was the fact he was pure Anti-Political Correctness. He took the piss out of all and sundry and as a result was branded a ‘rascist’, a term he just simply laughed off. I certainly wouldn’t consider myself as a fan of him because there is only so much gutter talk I can stomach before I find it boring, but I certainly respect him for sticking to his principles. Quite simply he was one of the last comics who refused to bow to PC pressure and till his dying day happily told jokes at the expense of all and sundry. Jews, Blacks, Irish, Pakistanis, Gays – you name it, he took the piss out of them.

Behind the scenes he did his own thing, donating to charities, regardless of race or creed and far away from any publicity promoting stunts. His obituaries in all the major newspapers today are swamped with reader’s comments, all acknowledging his genius and most repeating their favourite jokes.

I watched an interview with him just a few months ago, where he was telling about the day the BBC kicked him off television for ever as ‘times were a changing’ and that it was no longer PC correct for people like him to be on the box. His reply –

‘you’re about 4 million quid (£) too late!’

He is, as far as I know, the only British stand up comic ever to get a slot at Las Vegas (sold out), lived a relatively humble life and died with a fortune estimated at 10 million pounds. Not bad for a man who came from Ancoats, one of the poorest parts of Manchester, a city he loved.

Some say he died of a broken heart as his beloved football club, Manchester City, could never come out of the shadow of its mighty poncy rival, Manchester United.

One joke went like this –

Went down to (Manchester) City football grounds the other day and a bloke asked me how to get into the ground.
"You go round the corner & there are two queues- a big one & a little one.
Dont get in the big one - that’s for the chippy" (Fish and chip shop.)

Another –

Richard Branson was asked to take over Manchester City football team. He said, "I couldn't do that. I couldn't have my Virgin logo on the shirts of a team that gets fucked stupid every week!"

A couple more –

A blind man goes into a large department store.
An assistant spots him standing in the middle of the ground floor swinging his guide dog around by its lead above his head.
The assistant says ‘Can I help you sir?’
The man replies: ‘No thanks. Just looking around.’

So, lets all drink to the death of a clown, one of the last of his kind…

A man is running down the street.
A fella says to him, ‘why ya running mate?’

‘There's a lion escaped from the zoo!’

‘Bloody hell! Which way is it going?’

‘You don’t think I'm chasing the fucking thing do ya?’

Finally…

A Blackman walks into a pub with a huge multi-coloured parrot perched on his shoulder.

The barman says, ‘Bloody hell, where did you get that?’

The parrot replies, ‘Africa, there’s fucking millions of them there!’

‘Ha Ha’, said the Clown.

Having been preoccupied these last few days, trying to catch up on news from Zimbabwe is a hell of a task. As usual it is all gloom and doom. Sometimes I wonder why I bother at all! Surely there are more important things to report locally, that directly affect me, rather than some banana republic thousands of miles away who blames its own demise on the colour of my skin.

Lets see…

First off, I notice that there is much more noise pollution since Wales instigated a total ban on smoking in public places. I smoke, but I don’t do it in my flat for the simple reason it stinks the place out. So I go out onto my balcony to puff on my cancer sticks in what use to be, relatively speaking, peace and quiet. Not any more though. Not far from me is a pub frequented by a social class of clientele whose ability to comprehend the English language is restricted to looking at large breasts on page three of Britain’s best selling newspaper, The Sun. Whilst it was always a tad noisy on Friday and Saturday nights, especially at closing time when half the village is given verbal education in badly pronounced sexual obscenities, screamed out by fat young women at octaves high enough to shatter a pint glass, things have got worse.

This part of the world is rather wet. In fact, it hasn’t stopped pissing down for the last 10 days and that would normally keep the fag puffing louts exchanging social and sexual intercourse, whilst their feet were glued to the beer drenched rags called carpets, inside. But, due to the new rules, they now spend their time outside, under the marquee. So, instead of a quite fag, my eardrums are bombarded with alcohol fuelled laughter of inebriated wit and the little path I use, which exits near this said pub, now has used condoms scattered artfully among the piles of dog shit.

Other things of note – I went away for a while and when I returned the price of a tin of evaporated milk at the Co-Op shot up from 45 pence to 49 pence! Who do I turn too? Is the UK going the same way as Zimbabwe? Rampant inflation rearing its ugly head?

I was invited for dinner in a local restaurant this week, which according to the blah blah on the menu, prided itself on true blue cooking and that if you want fast food, to look elsewhere. Sadly the opposite was true and I will be looking very fast elsewhere – like my kitchen!

Ahh, come-on, I give this town a hard time and it does deserve it, although I blame the council for most of its problems, but one thing I cannot deny is its location of stunning natural beauty. All this place needs is a large section of it having a Mugabe style operation ‘Clean out Filth’ with a few JCBs to sort it out.

A few years ago the UN released one of its million odd reports, where it stated that Africa is unquestionably the King when it comes to spouting rhetoric, and Zimbabwe was listed at pole position. I believe this to be true, but I tell you what, this lot in the UK must be a close second!

Time for a few laughs…

Some ZANU clown campaigning for election in some dried out devastated part of Zimbabwe, some where near Msvingo, told the somewhat bemused voters that he didn’t give a monkeys toss whether they voted for him or not, as Bob, the man, Mugabe is a great pal of his and under the constitution can give him the seat anyway. This makes us recall that the late Simon Muzenda, who was vice president of ZANU PF and the government, who in 2000 once told voters in one rural constituency in Masvingo province, that even if the ruling party chose a baboon as a candidate, their duty was to vote for the animal without ever questioning the party's choice.

Now I think that is an excellent idea! Imagine all the money that could be saved on Mercedes Benzes and 4 by 4s, not to mention all the farms these so called politicians receive, if they were replaced by baboons! At least they would keep their thieving down to a few cobs of maize they might find.

Whilst Sir Bob Geldorf, Bono, et-al, are handing out the begging bowl for the starving, perhaps they should take comfort by the massive support from Zimbabwe's hardliner Minister of Lands, Didymus Mutasa. Two weeks ago he
repeated threats to expel the few white farmers left in the country and said
a United Nations (UN) report warning of more food shortages in the southern
African country would not deter the Harare government.

"The position is that food shortages or no food shortages, we are going
ahead to remove the remaining whites.” He vowed "we would rather all die
of hunger, but knowing full well that the land is in the hands of black
people."

This was presumably said by a rag clad skinny thin Ghandi look-alike, busy at work weeding his piece of liberated land, whilst his equally thin children chased away the newest elected member for Msvingo, Bono Bobo Baboon, from his wilting maze crop.

Finally… Keeping up with world events –

I was made to remember an old joke the other day whilst watching the news. As the years went by, the joke was constantly updated to keep up with the times. Robert Mugabe was the only character that was the constant, simply because he has been in power for 27 years. Now the joke has to be radically changed, so here is my new version.

Together the President of Zimbabwe, Robert G. Mugabe, the soon ex Prime Minister, Tony Blair, of what’s left of the United (falling apart) Kingdom, Prime World Overtaker Winky Wanky Woo of China and the President of the United States, George Woos Bush, are flying around the world. Suddenly Tony Blair says,

‘I know we are flying over England right at this moment.’

‘How do you know this?’ the others cry. Tony points to a 125 mile nose to tail traffic jam visible on the M25 circular motorway surrounding London,

‘all the cars have Polish number plates,’ he says.

The others are suitably impressed. A short time later Mugabe shouts out,

‘we are flying over Zimbabwe now.’

‘How do you know this?’ the others cry.

Bob, ‘The Man’, points proudly to millions of acres of devastated farmland, clearly visible,

‘because I see 8 million people holding out begging bowls!’

The others are suitably impressed.

A short time later, Winky Wanky Woo (known affectionately as WWW.UCensored.com), gabbles excitedly,

‘we now fly over China.’

‘How do you know this?’ the others cry.

‘Plumes of black smoke from our new industries cover the earth as far as the eye can see’, he smirks contently, thinking he has won the war of posing.

George Woos Bush, now wracking his brain to think of something to impress his fellow passengers, gathers his secret service bodyguards around him and suddenly he opens the door of the aircraft and sticks his left arm out and screams triumphantly,

‘we are now flying over Albania.’

‘How do you know this?’ the others cry.

‘Some thieving peasant has just stolen my watch!’

GEE, who ATE the money?

As usual, I like to keep you all informed regarding anything that involves everything of interest, so as such, I got on a plane and flew off to Germany. Why, you may ask? Well, it is obvious that from there I can give real in-depth reporting about the G8 summit that has just ended in Rostock.

I decided to fly with easyStress.com, the low cost budget airline, which along with lierRyanAir.com, are responsible for the greatest increases in heart attacks and other stress related diseases. You will never arrive at an airport and be told that sadly, things were going so smooth, that they left 45 minutes earlier than usual, just to make sure that they arrived on time and it was your own stupid sodding problem if you were too lazy to check on the internet the latest regulations posted 15 minutes after you left the house. Neither is it there problem if you haven’t subscribed to the £2 a word text information system for your mobile phone.

This of course never happens as the plane is invariably late. Now I didn’t fly to Rostock, I flew to Munich, to make sure I was as far away from the few thousand nutters, masquerading as ‘protesters’, as possible. I was delayed both ways. In London I was delayed because ‘there is a delay with the flight from Munich’ and I typed part of this Blog entry in Munich’s waiting lounge, because, ‘there is a delay with the flight from London.’ DOH! If all of them are so delayed, why not simply change the flight times? You book a ticket for 16.00 take off, but it only actually get its act together at 18.00 - what is the bleedin point? Why not simply have the flight for 18.00. If the idiots arrive early for a change, we can be grateful and the pilot and crew can all go for a pint or two.

On the way from the UK to the ‘Vaterland’ it was such a cock-up, that I landed being flown by a different airline altogether. Seating was a ‘free for all’ which wasn’t a problem as the plane was massive and every one had a 3 seat row for them selves. As compensation for being delayed three hours we were offered a complimentary Coke. Unfortunately, at that stage, a line of coke would have been a great boost, but sadly, it was not forthcoming.

I happen to be rather fluent in the Deutsche sprache, so it was rather interesting watching the coverage on TV of the summit, and in the news papers.

Firstly – TV. What really moved me (to fits of roaring laughter), was a little snip of footage from a reporter for Germany’s ZDF Heute Journal. She is on a train from Switzerland, where in one carriage she interviewed 3, ‘G8 activists/protesters’ on their way to Rostock. Over two thousand of these idiots are spread over three specially commissioned trains.

The scene:

3 louts, feet up on the seats and on the floor a plastic shopping bag full of beer tins. The reporter manages to engage one of them in conversation, whilst the others stare glassy eyed at the wall.

The reporter had obviously just asked why they were doing the 16 hour trip to Rostock.

Protester, (semi-pissed, barely capable of intelligible speech and sporting a nice ‘Mohican’ hair style-

‘I am against the G8 because they always never keep their promises.’

Reporter-

‘Like what?’

Protester- (concentration on the answer visibly noticeable on his confused face)

‘Er- I haven’t got a clue (the idiot now starts laughing), I am not politically orientated!’

The video is here. It is only 29 seconds long and now that I translated the clip, it is well worth watching.

Nice one Fritz…! I laughed so hard, I nearly sent a cheque for three Euro cents to Burkina Faso.

Meanwhile, reading a quality German newspaper, I came across a little article about Angela Merkel (the German Chancellor) having a secret meeting with Bob Geldorf. (He is that one who still doesn’t know what a bottle of shampoo is.) It appears that a well known German pop-star called Herbert Groenmeyer, who has also fuck all else to do but make annoying noises about the poor blacks in Africa, is making her life a bit difficult. So she throws Geldorf a few more Euros to spunk on new Mercs for desperate despots, if he can plug the said Groenmeyers gob for a while.

But, best of all was a photo of her, Geldorf and that half wit in designer sun-glasses, Bono, having a chat at a table. Merkel’s face spoke a thousand words, which went something like this-

‘Listen you pair of fucking piss-ants, let me explain a few facts of life. I have 3.8 million unemployed costing a fucking fortune, Tony has a land sinking in so much private debt, that he is doing a runner. George doesn’t give a toss and needs every spare cent to pay for more bombs to drop on Arab peasants. The new French president is more than willing to contribute to Africa, such as 4 million of them in France, who have nothing better to do than set their cities on fire. Putin has enough begging peasants of his own and any spare change goes towards buying more English football clubs. The bloke from Canada, I forgot his name, is only here to make up numbers and the Japanese government are either committing hara-kiri, or going off to jail for thieving, so they prefer to keep a low profile.

Now, piss-off and go chat with your Chinese pals, who seem to be taking over half of Africa anyway, and sing some songs in Chin-Chang-Wong at a concert on the Mekong, with your heads full of Bong, and leave me alone! I have more important things to sort out, like trying to get Paris Hilton out of jail. Oh, one small thing. Bob, you know that money I promised you? Well, I am afraid I have to put against it the costs of keeping your flock of braying animals under control these last few days. Last estimate was…mmm, let’s just round it up at about £12 million.’

That’s all for now folks. I dug up an old song by the great Bob Geldorf that perhaps he, Groenmeyer and Bono could perform as the opening song at the next G8 Eat Cake and Africa Eat Nothing concert. It is called Banana Republic. Here is one of the verses…

And I wonder do you wonder
While you're sleeping with your whore
That sharing beds with history
Is like a-licking running sores
Forty shades of green yeah
Sixty shades of red
Heroes going cheap these days
Price; a bullet in the head

NEWS FLASH ... NEWS FLASH ...

Rumours are abounding the net that Paris Hilton ‘has changed her ways’ and claims to have, ‘thought deeply about her entire point of existing’ and that upon her release from prison, promises to ‘purchase Neverland, and stuff it full of starving orphans from Der Far away land in Efrikar, or summin like that.’