Why is there a snake in the Baobab tree?

 

Why is there a snake in the Baobab tree?

 

Hello everyone.

I was recently asked to Beta read the start of an erotic novel in the style of a typical romantic erotica such as a raunchy Millstone and Bombs for a former member here who was banned by admin for promoting himself . (Bad man.)

Genre – Romance, Crime thriller – target audience - Reading age - till can’t anymore. The futuristic novel set in the future, which could be best seller once tweaked (a lot), is titled - Why is there a snake in the Baobab tree? It is quite good. -  

Opening scene: Chapter 13, Page 12. Fifth paragraph -

 “I dearly love you Adamo,” she said as he stuffed his nicotine stained tongue down her oesophagus, choking off most of the sentence that he couldn’t hear anyway as his Bluetooth headphones were banging out Meatloaf’s ‘Two out of three ain’t bad.

Managing to lip read what she said as he was half deaf from having yellow wax stained, screaming lumps of plastic and metal stuffed in his ears.

“I truly love you too Evana, let us lay together under the shade of this very large, dead baobab tree. But at the front of it. I think someone did an odourless poo at the back.”

He gently threw her violently to the ground, her heaving bosom covered by an immense head of nit filled, tangled, filthy black hair from being dragged through a hedge backwards. Hair that hadn’t been cut for 36 years due to the Covid 19 lockdown.

“Let us make gentle love, for I do need you to relax my tension before I run away from facing the electric chair.”

As they lay together on the rock-hard ground, sadly devoid of soft green grass due to the drought now in its 35^th year, together, Adamo removed his 27-inch-long wooden prothesis leg and rubbed his bloody stump.

Just then, Evana trumped his lustful desire by screaming out in terrible fear, “Adam look!” She pointed at a mysteriously moving object, “Oh-oh, Adamo,” in shock, “an ant has stolen my Chinese made plastic fig leaf .”

 

Although cleverly written, it contains a few flaws. But first the way the writer has already given you the loving couple names and address of the scene being logically the Kaahari desert in Botswana. Lots of ants live there.

 

Well described descriptions, describe in so much that Adamo is obviously an Italian, Mafia chain smoking, one legged dwarf mobster on the hop from the law. (Murder weapon? Wooden leg – blood?) Also, the reader can presume his breath will smell and he will have plenty of black teeth to match his gangster outfit he might or not might be mightily wearing or not.

Evana is obviously of Czechoslovakian background who parents  could have been that famous couple who used millstones as bombs against Russian tanks in the uprising known as the Prague Spring in 1968. She also, perhaps, have a problem with personal hygiene and public naked exhibitionist similar to Lady Godiva, to protest against climate change.

We can also conclusively conclude it’s set in the future and the end of the world as we now know it soon will be. Since Covid 19 was developed in a laboratory on the 31st of December 2000 just as the clock struck 12 making it a second later just part of history - add 36years since they shut all the shops and the reader knows the story is set in 2036. Brilliant. The author doesn’t, tell he shows!

The air is full of pungent stink as the poo doesn’t smell. (Well maybe to flies. They can still survive in that kind of environment. Presumably if there is enough defecated excrement lying around.)  

However, I noticed some serious mistakes of logic.

1.You don’t face the electric chair; you sit in it.

2. If he is on the hop from the law, he can’t run away because he just took his leg off.

3. Why are they not waving their arms about because of those flies?

4. How come there is no mention of being uncomfortable on the hard ground.

5. If she is such an environmentalist, why a plastic fig leaf? Did she perhaps get it from rummaging through the remains of a Chinese restaurant she assisted in blowing up for selling endangered shark fin soup.

6. Why is there a dead horse on the cover of the book?

The author does leave more questions than answers in this short scene, but I wish him luck flogging a dead horse.

Now -  I don’t write sex scenes like that. Some readers may have lost the plot in my opening scene and promptly start seat wetting and just speed read through the non- sex scenes. Other readers are enjoying the plot but can’t understand why the couple seem to have so much sex. Sometimes twice in one chapter!

Someone please Beta read my opening from the half-written book Titled provisionally - ‘Seat Wetting’. Thanks. –

He…1200 words CENSORED… “and please pass me the bottle of apple juice.”