Number crunching – laugh? I nearly cried!

As the western world wanders around worrying about the price of oil and that bread went up 10 pence in the supermarket, we cast our eyes down to a little place called Zimbabwe.

This little, non-descript land of starving peasants, with more money than grains of wheat, is presently bedeviled with problems. According to local sauces (if they are available), mainly for some strange reason, loads of over weight middle-aged white men with beer guts, have surrounded the place and chanting ‘Long Live Smithy’ (who is dead by the way), have been systematically been turning all the rivers and dams into beer, drank ‘em dry, stole and smoked all the tobacco and for good measure grilled all the corn on a giant Rhodie braai, along with 90% of the national beef herd. This was all in preparation to invade Zimbabwe and replace the legally, democratically voted government of President Robert Mugabe with a new age Rhodesian Front with George Bush dressed as Ronald Mc Donald as head of state.

This entire plot has been swinging into action ever since David Livingstone force fed his Ox-cart driver 75 pages of Exodus, who, according to the great explorer in his memoirs (1873) How I got lost in this Fucking Shithole whilst riddled with malaria and looking for the source of AIDS, for being caught ‘playing with his genitals whilst looking at a picture of the Virgin Mary’ (page 67),

As such, the beleaguered government of Zimbabwe has desperately appealed for help and successfully banned all food-aid into the country because it was contaminated with western rhetoric. As President Robert Mugabe pointed out whilst on a whistle stop tour to Rome, to promote his world-leading cutting-edge farming technology, - ‘If the fuckers are hungry, they can eat my words’.

However, things are improving. The amount of opposition supporters murdered still hasn’t (65 at last body found) beaten the amount of peasants still queuing in Dafur for a George Cloony autograph and a free ticket for his latest film ‘Starve Skinny Black Bint, The West is now Skint’. (Booked out in advance in over 500 Klu Klux Klan owned cinemas in Southern USA, beating Mel Gibson’s, ‘The Passion Of Beating the Bejesus out of Christ by 3000 seats).

Other good news - Zimbabwe is listed on Farce 100 list of millionaires as having more millionaires than the publication can fit onto 5000 pages. Making money has now gone beyond a game as the best minds in the world cannot work out how many plane loads of Zimbabwean dollars it will take to buy Grace Mugabe’s best selling entrepreneurial advice book – How I lined My Vagina with Gold whilst sitting on my Arse.

Employment is still at 20%. This confounded critics, till someone worked out that they all work for the government. The other 80% jobs are just to pay taxes. The taxes have been recently adjusted to compensate the huge income generated by the machines that print money. They are, according to my sauces( sorry, no relish, shops are empty), at Zimbabwe Situation web site are - er…sorry, I can’t find it, but I think it was 47% if you earn more than 3 billion a month. Wow! Now don’t get excited, it’s all peanuts! In fact, 3 billion won’t even buy a packet of peanuts.! You want peanuts in Zimbabwe, you have to steal them off the baboons who nicked them from tourist cars on the Vic Falls side in Zambia.

So all in all, things are looking hung and dried in Zimbabwe leading up to the next round of voting for a new President – one will be hung and drawn if he accidentally wins, despite his supporters being educated in the fine art of African Democracy, the other, the real winning candidate, Robert G. Mugabe will lead his land into the sunset loaded up with Viagra and promoting his cause deep inside a golden vagina.

Anyway, its not all gloom and doom on this blog. Readers need something to laugh at. I mean, take a look at yourselves, you own a computer and can acces the web – that makes you one of the elite on the planet…yes - you’re a member of ZANU (PF)!

I don’t normally lift jokes but this one did make me laugh.

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up : 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!' said the teacher.

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'
said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.' Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians!'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now,who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're fucked!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it’s the people of Robert Mugabe’s, Zimbabwe, 1980-2008.