Zimbabwe Is Not A Toilet!

Zimbabwe Is Not A Toilet!

By Nathaniel Manheru

The Zimbabwean Herald

In his recent speech on Independence Day, President Robert Mugabe turned his attention to a problem dear to his arse – the open sewerage swamping the streets of the towns.

‘This must stop, you bunch of overfed shitters!’, he ranted, waving his fist in the air like a demented homosexual about to clear a gardener’s tradesman entrance (something he had the late President of Zimbabwe, Canaan Banana, banged-up for). President Mugabe had finally given up on the cost of getting the drains cleaned because, as he discovered in a 2004 article from The Times (tad dated, but the man at 84 isn’t exactly a speed reader) -

‘I know you earn too much money because you use fancy paper to wipe away your excess greed’, he told a bemused mob busy fighting over the seven musty loaves and seven dried kapenta (a tiny fresh water sardine) that the ruling party had generously rustled up to get the peasants to come to the celebrations..

‘Those days are now over - the fancy bum-wipes block the drains! I will show you.’ His people having such an acute wish to be loved, that they then carried on smiling even after the President splattered turd-filled sods of soaking 200.000 dollar bills onto their foreheads, clapped approvingly.

‘These notes are made in Germany, they are made to last longer than their sell-buy date and you lot can’t be arsed to buy toilet paper and use money instead’, he screamed. Shaking visibly he went on,

‘Zimbabwe can’t afford to keep printing money for you lot not to give a shit where it comes from as long as it is going on your greedy holes!’

Pulling wads of old newspaper from out of his wife’s bra as she stood grinning adoringly at him, the President waved the crushed-up wads in the air.

‘From now on you will use this on your brown-eye. The Herald of Zimbabwe is ZANU and ZANU is TP for your bung-hole!’ (Here our esteemed President uses a quote from one of his best loved heroes, Beavis, in the film, Beavis and Butthead Do doo-doos-in America. TP, means literally, Toilet Paper)

The crowds roared with approval at this piece of information guaranteed to save their holes.

The President added as an afterthought.

‘However, always first look-out on the pages for any article by Nathaniel Manheru because they are already full of shit and will not do the job.’

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The article about bunged up toilets and fancy paper can be found here-

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article393899.ece