Thursday, December 12, 2019

The Daily Flake Fake- 13th December 2019

The Daily Flake Fake- 13th December .

Corbyn New Prime Minster

With an over whelming majority of one, the Labour Party now are at the helms of power. The new Prime Minster, Jeremy Corbyn, was quick to inoculate his party manifesto pledges.
All Conservative voters were shot at dawn. Beds were freed up in hospitals by removing the infirm, old, and scum bags. Thrown onto the street, they were left to beg for assistance.

All Jews were rapidly rounded up and gassed.

The railways were Nationalised and ground to a halt.
All energy companies were taken over by decree and to boil a kettle you now have to set your furniture on fire.

The Bank of England was plundered, the pound crashed to 1 penny to the US dollar.

Most of the Labour party MPs retired immediately to the Bahamas.

At last, we can go and look forwards to going backwards, the Prime Minister speaking at a press conference, minutes just after inviting the worlds top terrorists, Hasan Izz-Al-Din, Ahmed Ibrahim Al-Mughassil, and Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah, for a good old, British Xmas tradition - Knees up Mother Brown, at 10 Downing Shit Wreck.

Tomorrow there will be no longer any copies of
The Daily Flake Fake. The multi-billionaire owners regret the decision to close the company, leaving hundreds to sell their children to childless Chinese families, but they have all done a runner.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Bingo - King of the Bongos - Part 17

Bingo King of the Bongos -  Part 17

Meanwhile, deep in the jungle, Mattress is sitting on a log bored out of her box. She sniffs at her underarms. Wrinkles her nose.
Hey you lot, can you make up your mind?

The leader, Mohammed Bin Liner 1, of  Buk em Hard, has gathered his troops to a meeting.

He starts the conversation Yagga Yagga, clicking teeth, uga, uga, wanky wanky, chitty chitty bang bang.

Mohammed Bin Liner 34 shouts out What the fuck are you gibbering. Speak in the common tongue.

Mohammed Bin Liner 27 Arabic?

Mohammed Bin Liner 12 You nuts, no one speaks Arabic except Arabs.

Mohammed Bin Liner 15 I can speak a little Spanish. Hasta la Vista, Baby.

Mohammed Bin Liner 34 - `My brother is dead, killed by that mad woman there. He points at Mattress, she just smiles, lifts her left leg up and parps a nasty smelly fart.

Mohammed Bin Liner 17 Do we kill her or what?

Mohammed Bin Liner  33 I can speak some French. Velee voo, quzant, avic maan ek se…’

Mohammed Bin Liner 9 What the fuck does that mean?

Mohammed Bin Liner 33 Not sure, but my cousin tried it out on that silver haired bitch over there and got a finger nail up his throat for the effort.

Mohammed Bin Liner 1 Shouts out excitedly Look at this? I can hear better now. A huge lump of ear wax is stuck under a long, dirt engrained, small fingernail.

All the Mohammeds jump up with joy, grab each other, kissing and fondling testicles, jerking each others beards whilst jacking off.

Mattress had, had enough.

Shut the fuck up! You lot of stinking perverts. You now have only one option.

Mohammed Bin Liner 49 - Kill you?

Mattress ignores him. See this hand. She holds up her right hand, fingers spread apart, the silver steel nails glinting. She starts to tick them off.

In a few hours you will all die. Terribly. 1. Bingo, my father will lead the attack.

Mohammed Bin Liner 7 and 12 run off screaming with fear. There are some really nasty noises from within the jungle as they get eaten by wild animals.

2. She smiles.  Tarzan is also coming.

Mohammed Bin Liner 5 and 16 run off screaming with fear. There are some really nasty noises from within the jungle as they get eaten by wild animals.

3 my mother, Tracy.

Sounds of excretion from lose bowels and Mohammed Bin Liner 5 and 33 run off screaming with fear. There are some really nasty noises from within the jungle as they get eaten by wild animals.

`4 and 5, my insane brothers, Poncho and Macho.

Sounds of wailing and Allah help us, Mohammed Bin Liner 12 and 43, shoot themselves in the head and Mohammed Bin Liner 2 and 47 run off screaming with fear. There are some really nasty noises from within the jungle as they get eaten by wild animals.

Mattress is really enjoying herself And now comes the best part.

Mohammed Bin Liner 1 Hah, you have run out of fingers. You do not frighten us.

Mattress hold up her left hand and curls it into a fist with the middle finger raised. She taps it with the right hand.

Mohammed Bin Liner 9 I have a really bad feeling about that middle finger.
Mattress waggles it. This is what you will get as The Gokwe Kid will be here as well.

Mohammed Bin Liner 6 and 33 run off screaming with fear. There are some really nasty noises from within the jungle as they get eaten by wild animals.

- - -

Stay tuned as Mohammed Bin Liner 1 and the rest of the Buk em Hard, face the fact that Bingo and Co are coming and things could get nasty.

Monday, December 09, 2019

RIP . John Wheeless

RIP – John Wheeless.

Born blind drunk due to his alcoholic mother and father, his only chance of life was to be bottle fed gin and tonic. His mother had died at the age of 12 whilst crossing the road. She had been drinking the dregs from discarded bottles in the back yard of the local pub – ‘Shag a bag’. Its iconic swinging shield was a stolen Village sign from Austria. (See attachment.)

Staggering home, she was taken out by an Uber taxi driver on the run from the police for having no insurance and a raped paying passenger, Sam Jones, moaning about the pain in his bum hole.
John’s father. Well, really hard to describe that waster.

Had been a Catholic priest. Spent 14 years in jail for raping an entire church boy’s choir. Released at the age of 73, he seduced John’s mother by lacing her with booze, ecstasy and some really good cocaine.

He was stabbed to death by an insane Muslim on London bridge. No one came to his funeral and in fact, his corpse was thrown into the Thames and the river boat propellers churned him into fish food. Not that there are any fish in the river.

Now an orphan, John’s mind was pretty fucked up. Difficult to describe what he was thinking. He had been arrested several times for breaking into old people’s homes and masturbating onto sleeping grannies’ heads.

Finally, locked up in an institute for the criminal insane, John, now 47, chewed on his own log and caught a tooth infection. He would die a terrible death, riddled with pain and suffering.

Serves him right.,_Austria

Bingo – King of the Bongos - Part 16

Bingo King of the Bongos -  Part 16

I landed, not gently, but losing my rag and got rid of the rag of a parachute. I was thinking, as I had a quick shit behind a tree. Why am I here? The only reason I was shitting at the back of the tree was because someone had shat in the front of it. This was jungle and I was not a happy bunny.

If I ever get hold of that prick who threw me out of the plane at 30,000 feet, I will feed his testicles to my pet dog. The only reason I survived was that I was pissed, the alcohol refused to freeze in my blood. But I had a bit of a headache.

Okay. Get orientated. Find Bingo and Co. Save Mattress and hop on Tracy. I let out a call for help. Help, Help, I called. A reply came back Ahh, ah a ahh. I knew that was Tarzan.

Suddenly, Bingo appeared. We hugged each other like lost brothers and after the ritual of smelling each others arse, we wagged penises happily and I followed him back to the base camp.

There was Tracy, gorgeous as ever, Macho and Poncho shrieked with delight and hugged their favourite Uncle.

Wheres Tarzan?

Oh he, up a tree eating a banana, checking out the scene. This was Poncho with that actual fact statement.

A banana, Jesus Christ help me, this is the jungle, there are no Bananas trees here.

Oh, he got it from the local ALDI store three clicks from here. That was Machos contribution to the conversation.

A man approaches me. Your TGK? Hey; I heard you some killer ek-se.

I squinted my eyes, concentrated. Oh-oh. My blood stirred. Are you not Frikkie, the madman who went rampant in the Rhodesian Bush War?'

Yup, thats me. He puffs his chest out proudly.

Bingo, can you lend me your machete? Upon receiving it Now Frikkie, what do you see in my right hand.

A machete.

Good, now do you see that aeroplane in the sky?

As he looks up, I took the mad bastards fucking shit head off. His body, much to Poncho and Machos delight, wandered around, pumping spurts of blood and bumping into trees.

Frikkies head laid on the ground. I removed my 14,000 dollar alligator trousers and pissed into his surprised open mouth. What a laugh watching it come out of his neck. Zipping up, gave the late Frikkie head a swift boot, it rolled off never to bother anyone.

Okay. Lets get to business. Tarzan you complete wanker, get down here. We need to coordinate and save Mattress.

Macho and Poncho were screaming with laughter as they kicked up the arse the headless walking corpse around. Tracy was plucking her eyebrows. Bingo was scratching his arse. Tarzan swings down. Beats at his chest, gives me the Uga-Uga, greeting. I just have to love this twat. The last he did that was considered intelligent was wipe his arse with a leaf. Before he a dump!

Ok, Tarzan, I start with you. How many mad chimps have you got to help us take on The Buk em Hard?


Bingo shrugs and fondles Tracys breasts.

None? I heard you would get 40 thousand hard core mad chimps organised.

Tarzan looks down at his feet and starts to pick at a dried lump of shit stuck between his toes.
Erm, they on strike. Refuse to fight. They been watching too much Sky News. Those French bastards. They also want to retire at 61.

Retire! They are chimpanzees. None reach the age of 61. Bingo what is this nonsense?

He just shrugs and starts to lick out his wife
s vagina.

I need to gather my thoughts. Okay, how many Buck
em hard are holding Mattress prisoner?

Tarzan chirps up

And how you know that?

I went and had a look.


Stay tuned as TGK, attempts to get his motley crew organised to take on the Buk
em Hard. Less 40,000 chimp troops.