Friday, February 22, 2008

Friends, Countrymen and Fellow morons – lend me your beers!

I should be concentrating on proper things but just don’t seem able to at the moment. I am being constantly harassed by people with demands that unless I pull my finger out, I will be going nowhere. I find this rather strange because I hadn’t intended going anywhere anyway! I don’t actually have my finger up my arse; it’s up my right nostril! This is a very African tradition and is still used today whenever someone is confronted with a tricky question, such as

‘Why have you run over the cat with the lawn mower?’

Rather than tell the truth, the person questioned would place a finger in a nostril, gaze into the sky, and say,

‘Hoomba’,

in a sort of tone suggesting neither an answer nor an explanation. At this point the questioner would normally give up.

This is all beside the point. In an effort to expand my mind in a more academic approach than through tins of Carlsberg lager, I have signed onto another Open University course. It is called An Introduction to the Humanities. I realised I was in for trouble when I saw the mountain of stuff I am supposed to read, digest, comprehend and regurgitate in such a way as to prove I have some vague inkling what it is all about. I promptly had panic attacks and spent several mornings vomiting in the wash basin before I plucked up the courage to have a peep.

First bit is about art. Well, paintings actually. The idea is that I will learn to appreciate the difference between a painting costing £2 in a charity shop or one from Christies costing £2 million. Actually I always knew the answer to that one. It’s very simple. The £2 picture is the one you bought because you liked it and the £2 million one is the one you bought (presuming you have that amount of money lying around), because other people like it.

Well I had to look at a colour plate of a painting by Picasso and presuming that I have understood the course material so far, I could give a very good analysis of it.

The particular painting is called Girl in a Chemise. Amazingly, it turns out the thing is hanging up in the Tate Gallery in London, and entry was free! Perfect, so as I happened to be in London for a short visit to catch up on some serious drinking with a few pals, I zipped off to the place. Quite an experience I tell you. I got out at London Bridge underground and was thoroughly lost within seconds, but a kind chap showed me the way and because it turned out he had been born in South Africa I rewarded him with a pinch of the Piri-Piri biltong I had purchased at said underground for an astronomical price.



I hadn’t been around that part of town for a while and although the weather wasn’t actually at its finest, the sights are rather awesome. HMS Belfast, London bridge (the one the stupid Yanks thought they had bought), Millennium bridge (now no longer swaying), St Paul’s, Sir Francis Drake’s Golden Hind; it was just so cool! The Tate Modern is huge and I was rapidly running out of time. So I dashed up to the right floor, found the painting and stood there looking at it and attempted to draw up all my newly learnt skills. Now, as you might have noticed, I have put a picture of this painting at the top of this posting. Maybe take another good look, because guess what? My first reaction, which had me start to break down in hysterical giggles was this…

Amazing, Picasso was the first person to draw Beavis! In 1905! Sigh, I think I am really going to struggle on this course. Before having to dash, I had a look at the crack in ground floor. There must be some serious subsiding to get a crack that big! I don’t know why they haven’t filled it in yet because it is rather dangerous with all the people walking around!


Trying to find the nearest underground, I wandered over the Millennium Bridge, and turned left down Queen Victoria street. I suddenly had this urge to drop a coil and luckily for me there was a public toilet nearby. Sadly it is not very clean; in fact, the place was full of shit! I was forced to find a clear spot in the entrance hall. I took a photo of the front door, so anyone coming to London can be aware of the filthy place!

To wrap up today’s silly posting, I have been occasionally trying to help out my pal Rob who is doing his best to save the planet via Facebook with his Eco-Brigade. Members are signing up fast and furious with almost 1100 people joined but not many of them really having a clue what it is all about! That includes me, but never mind, any contribution that might help us from self extinction just has to be good.

I thought up this novel idea...

Here is a new and really sharp tip on how to save our planet. You do of course realise there are two ways to do this. The passive way, such as wiping your bum with recycled newspapers or the aggressive way, one of which is today’s example. We all hate the Japanese for slaughtering whales in the name of research, so why don’t we do the same! Spearing any old Jap won’t do the trick, you have to go for the rarer species; such as diplomats. All you need is a spear, a sharp fish filleting knife and a large placard displaying - ‘I am now cutting his innards out to scientifically examine them.’ Then simply spear one as it comes out of the embassy for a quick fag and as it flops, pumping blood all over the pavement, start opening him up with the knife whilst waving the placard about and shouting, ‘I do this for the embitterment of mankind’s knowledge of what makes a Japsy tick’.

Next week we will talk about whether foxes should wear fur coats.

Friday, February 15, 2008

I didn’t make this up – it’s impossible!

Photobucket

Zimbabwe is now producing headlines that are definitely stranger than fiction.

Reading through the last few days of the reports posted on the website www.zimbabwesituation, you get a feeling that it would be impossible to make the stuff up.

We have riots in church as a disposed bishop aligned to Mugabe refused to be deposed and used ‘bully boys’ to beat up the congregation –

The Anglican Church in Zimbabwe is beset by devilish behaviour, which has seen ousted Bishop Nolbert Kunonga barricade the cathedral and assault worshippers who do not support him.

All this has to do with money of course, but…
There are banks that have no money because they can’t afford to pick up the new notes from the Reserve bank, but know one is sure whether they have any either.

Because of inflation, now sort of between 68 and 150 thousand percent (snigger, how you get your head around this, I have no idea), they decide to print bigger notes, but because they got next to no ink or paper, there isn’t much of them around. Rumours are that there is a 10.000,000 (ten million) dollar note.

Zimbabwe has joined the crusade of doling out larger denominated
notes. The $10 million note, introduced last month, is the largest note, not
only in Africa but in the world, which analysts say is embarrassing.

In fact, money is so rare in Zimbabwe that one place you can get it is on EBay! For example, if you enter the item number 110222191472the seller informs you that he has –

NEW $250000.00,$500000.00,AND $750000.00 NOTES WERE RELEASED AROUND XMAS TIME AND ARE VERY VERY HARD TO COME BY INDEED.

Although the three notes have a street value of approximately 8 British pence, at the time of this posting, he will let you have them for £20.00!

Another chap, with the amazing name of robbybob (Robbing Bob Mugabe perhaps?) item number - 330210749162is selling one 750,000 note and has bids so far up to and over £10.

Hah hah hah, this is incredible! Only this could happen in Zimbabwe!

---

As you might have heard, there is suppose to be an election in March -

An unusually large number of newly-formed fringe political parties
have emerged since the beginning of the year, all promising to turn around
Zimbabwe’s fortunes once elected to power.

We have the United Democratic People’s Constitution (UDPC), Zimbabwe Integrated Party (ZIP), Voice of the People/Vox Populi (VP), the Zimbabwe Development Party (ZDP),
Progressive Anarchy Party (PAP), Let’s Party (LP) etc etc.

The latest on the scene is - I Have No Party (IHNP), which, as we have just learnt, is run by a stray cat called Simba Mukoni. He is a brave little pussy taking on his old Boss Rob Mugabe. Makoni has already been officially declared a ‘sellout’ by the ‘war veterans. In Africa that word, ‘sellout’ is normally a death sentence. I wonder how long it will take before the former politburo member accidentally stalls his car on a railway crossing.

There might not even be an election in March. Well, not until terms have been well hammered out. I.E. - the shit hammered out anyone who has even a hint of upsetting the apple cart. Of course, pointing out that there are no apples in Zimbabwe to put in a cart is just western propaganda.

Just in case there is an election, Bob has been handing out loads of presents to the top boys in the police and army.

Zimbabwe’s police chief Augustine Chihuri this week told senior
officers to back President Robert Mugabe reminding them the veteran leader
had given them farms, resources and other perks, authoritative sources told
ZimOnline.
According to our sources one officer, Nonkosi Ncube, who is in charge of police in Mashonaland East province, turned down a white truck she had been allocated insisting she preferred the truck black.
She was assured she would receive a car with the “right colour” next week
when middle-ranking police commanders would receive their vehicles.

Aah, such a crying shame huh..lol, and on the same date of postings we have this –

The World Food Program has scaled up its operations in troubled Zimbabwe
amid a deepening food crisis that threatens 4 million people with hunger and
starvation, the UN aid agency says.

And I also found this…

Kelly David, head of the UN Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) in southern Africa, told IRIN.
"In Malawi, international partners are seeking about $17 million," OCHA
said, adding that flooding had hit 15 of the country's 28 districts,
affecting more than 152,000 people; over 700 cholera cases have been
reported so far and the situation would likely worsen in the coming weeks.
In Zambia $18.5 million was requested to assist 20,000 people, and in
Zimbabwe $15.8 million would be needed to help a further 15,000.”

No problemo, I am sure Bob Geldorf and Bono are writing out cheques this very moment!


Last but not least, they have had to open one of the sluice gates at Kariba to reduce the pressure. It will increase the flooding downstream, but I suppose it is better than the wall falling over. What amazed me was that they managed to scrape the power together to open it…

Monday, February 04, 2008

The Good and the Bad of Kenyans going Mad.

U.N. observers in their department which cover African genocide and wasting money on silly projects, report that machete deaths are lower than expected due to the use of Chinese Imports. Observers flown out to the troubled area, first class, met several of the peace loving tribes embroiled in what looked like post-colonial extended birthing pains.


A senior spokesman for the N’Bonga Slashers tribe, Innocent M’Killa, was quoted to tell them

‘The Chinky shit is useless. Very cheap but the blade is poor metal and the plastic handles snap whilst hacking legs off.’

He went on to demonstrate by striking one of the photographers on the head. Whilst it made an impressive slash, it failed to pass through the skull and the machete had a noticeable warping in the poor quality blade. Innocent M’Killa went on

‘See, he not dead. In the old days, when we were Mau-Mau and hack legs of White farmers’ wives off, we had locally made blades by Lewis Cohen and Brothers of Nairobi, but after we kick the colonial oppressors out, the firm moved to Israel. When we take over from this corrupt government, we will get them to come back. We will bribe them if necessary.’

Meanwhile, the animals in the national parks are grateful for the sudden drop in tourists arriving to gawk at them. Gono the Gnu explained that it is was pure hell being in the industry.

‘Every morning and early evening, the air is thick with dust as hundreds of mini-buses drive around full of bug-eyed charter tourists, with cheap cameras. Worse is when they entrap us. I lost my Auntie last year. The drivers work together and create a trap with some of us stuck in a circle of mini-busses with a pride of lions! It is worse than gladiators in the coliseum!'

The damage to the second highest industry supplying valuable foreign currency (the first is aid, but that mysteriously disappears to Switzerland), was more than apparent in Mombassa. Gigolos on Diani beach are complaining that the lack of overweight, middle-aged frustrated white women to service is giving them serious concern. Their spokesman, MaBigDik, said

‘I would have maybe 40-50 of da bitches a month, but now I am being forced to keep fit by fucking the monkeys and I am worried I might catch some bad disease.’

Sadly for Kenya, world interest to their problems have now been diverted to Chad, where the locals are hell bent on doing what they do best – run around killing people in the name of whatever. This is amazing when you consider that the possible next President of the USA was fathered by a man who once owned a goat in a Kenyan village.

……

When I read about the latest shenanigans in Chad, I was struck by some déjà vu. Okay, when it comes to Africa, they got more coup d'é·tat or take-overs etc., than we have tax increases, but I was sure I read recently about such an event that had me in tears; it was so tragic. After much searching, I found it and reproduce it in its entirety.

Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia

LUSAKA, ZAMBIA

Only hours after assuming control of the deeply troubled country in a bloody coup, members of the United Deliverance Front admitted Monday that they might have made a "huge mistake" by seizing power in Zambia.

After months of combat, the United Deliverance Front has this morning taken command of one of Africa's most beleaguered nations, installing itself as the supreme ruler over 11 million desperate, ailing, and angry citizens," UDF leader and new head of state Uwimana Kowrt said. "Dear Jesus, what the hell were we thinking?"

According to Kowry, who claimed that plans to overthrow the ruling administration "made sense at the time," celebration was cut short Monday morning when the victorious rebels realized that they were now in charge of a country crippled by drought and widespread food shortages.

"For years, we watched our beloved homeland suffer from strife and infirmity, knowing that something drastic had to be done," UDF second-in-command Ngoube Mtumbe said. "Why we decided that that something was to take over this godforsaken graveyard of a country instead of just getting the fuck out, I'll never know."

"We did not sign up for this," he added. "Seven-hundred-thousand AIDS orphans? Come on!"

Mtumbe, a UDF fighter with over 14 years of demolitions experience and nearly three hours of administrative practice, said that members of the rebellion were so caught up in the bloodthirsty struggle for power that they lost sight of what it would mean to be in power in a country as terrible as Zambia.

The fact that there wasn't a single standing railroad bridge, power station, or radio tower for us to destroy should have been a pretty clear sign that Zambia wasn't exactly the most stable of places," Mtumbe said. "Our supposed capitol building doesn't even have a front door, for crying out loud."


Mtumbe, who was trying to figure out what paperwork was necessary to declare a national state of emergency, said he was still kicking himself for killing countless U.N. peacekeepers well-acquainted with the complicated relief process, and for decapitating the Minister of Transportation, who was "obviously in that position for a reason."

The mood among UDF soldiers quickly worsened when they realized it was up to them to pick up the pieces after a very recent and destructive uprising.

"And to think we were so proud to catch government forces in [the city of] Harbel by surprise," UDF General Gahiji Boshoso said. "Those lucky bastards were probably just as relieved as they were shocked that anyone would want to be in charge of such a nightmarish wasteland. Even parts of Nigeria are better than this, and that's one of the worst countries on earth."

Added Boshoso: "Would it have killed us to take over Estonia instead—you know, a country with running water?"

Though the group went to the trouble of training an army of largely underage soldiers, purchasing military weapons on the black market, and steeling themselves for atrocities of war, many said they would never have gone through with the final assault had they realized just how dire the situation in Zambia was.

"After losing so many friends and family members, and ruthlessly slitting the throats of more innocent civilians than I can count, I expected my reward to be a little sweeter than this," said Kowry, who claimed that he wished dealing with the World Bank Food Program was as simple as assassinating former ruling-party loyalists. "None of the blood that covered our streets nor the carnage that choked our cities could have even remotely prepared us for these pathetic annual GDP figures."

"Frankly, we're amazed there was even a president to overthrow in the first place," he added. "All we can hope for now is that another band of utterly naïve rebels comes along to put us out of our misery."

Source – The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/56093

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Tycoon Van Hoogstraten arrested in Zimbabwe

Good News From Zimbabwe!

It is rare to see a headline like this, but this is really good news. Okay – admittedly after you read the article about my dearest best friend (not), he won’t be spending much time in one of Mugabe’s jail, but still, it is nice to see the bastard squirm a bit.

This great news is being posted in most news web sites. I lifted this from the Observer. It makes great reading. It is also worth checking him out on wikipedia -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicholas_van_Hoogstraten

In 1968, at the age of 23, this piece of nasty work was reputed to be Britain’s youngest millionaire!


Mugabe apologist is accused of flouting currency exchange laws and possessing pornography

Jamie Doward
Sunday January 27, 2008

The Observer

The notorious property tycoon Nicholas van Hoogstraten has been arrested in Zimbabwe on charges of breaking the troubled country's currency exchange laws and possessing pornography.

The move is being seen in some quarters as part of a plan by Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe to seize his once close supporter's multi-million-pound business empire, which spans mining, tourism and property interests.

Police detained Van Hoogstraten after a raid on his home last Thursday, charging him with collecting rent on his properties in foreign currency. Zimbabwean law prohibits the payment of foreign currency for local goods and services.


The arrest represents an astonishing reversal in fortunes for the multi-millionaire father-of-five, who divides his time between Zimbabwe and Hamilton Place, his half-built, £40m mansion in Sussex, from where he runs the British end of his empire. Van Hoogstraten, 62, has made much of his money in Zimbabwe, thanks to his close relationship with Mugabe's Zanu-PF party. He owns about 200 residential and business properties in Zimbabwe, according to the police, has significant investments on the Zimbabwe stock exchange, and reportedly owns an estimated 600,000 hectares in the country.

However, crippling inflation has sent Zimbabwe into political and economic turmoil. The country's central bank chief, Gideon Gono, recently blamed the crisis on 'cash barons', whom he accuses of hoarding Zimbabwean dollars and exchanging them for foreign currency.

According to the police, when arrested Van Hoogstraten was in possession of US$37,586, 92,880 South African rand and £190, as well as 20bn Zimbabwe dollars, worth around US$3,333 on the black market.

In what seems to have been a carefully orchestrated media operation by the authorities, news bulletins showed police parading Van Hoogstraten before state television cameras holding wads of money. 'Van Hoogstraten is being charged under the exchange control regulations for charging a service and dealing in foreign currency,' said Zimbabwean police spokesman Wayne Bvudzijena.

He added that the tycoon had demanded six months' rent in foreign currency from his tenants, one of whom had been an informant. 'The police informant had been asked to pay in the region of US$8,000,' Bvudzijena said, adding that the tycoon also faced charges linked to pornographic material found in his house. If found guilty, Van Hoogstraten will face a fine and be forced to hand over the foreign money, according to local media reports.

Until recently Van Hoogstraten was a firm supporter of Mugabe and has boasted of his close relationship with the President. He has said Mugabe was one of the first people to offer him congratulations on his release from prison after being jailed for manslaughter. He has also criticised newspaper reporting about the regime in Zimbabwe.

There was speculation last night that his arrest may have more to do with Zimbabwe's changing political landscape than his alleged currency violations. David Banks, a close observer of political developments in Zimbabwe, who has met Van Hoogstraten and advises MPs on the country's state of affairs, said it had always been a question of when, rather than whether, the tycoon fell out with Mugabe. 'This is a brutal dictator who murdered friends and colleagues when they threatened his grip on power, so why should he worry about what happens to Van Hoogstraten?' Banks asked.


With elections due in March, Van Hoogstraten's arrest was a political move designed to shore up Mugabe's position, Banks suggested. 'Mugabe is running out of patronage,' he said. 'There is a shortage of sweeteners he can offer to try to buy support. His arrest may signal Mugabe intends to start seizing Van Hoogstraten's assets.'


Van Hoogstraten's arrest is the latest in a long line of clashes with the law. In the Sixties Van Hoogstraten - who has referred to his tenants as 'scum' - was jailed for four years for arranging for a hand grenade to be thrown through the window of someone who owed him money. In 2002 he was convicted of manslaughter and sentenced to 10 years in jail after a business associate, Mohammed Raja, was shot and killed by two hired hitmen. He appealed against the conviction, which was overturned in 2003. In 2005 a civil court ordered that Van Hoogstraten pay the murdered man's family £6m in damages.

http://observer.guardian.co.uk/world/story/0,,2247693,00.html

Saturday, January 19, 2008

A Mad Genius is Dead

Okay… Bobby lost his marbles a long time ago, but man oh man, could he play chess or what?

I rushed this together – a small tribute to someone who gave me so much excitement in 1972 when I was a kid playing chess.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Time Out!

Just an amazing quickie…

I have been watching on TV and reading on-line with great interest the run-up to the American Presidential elections. I came across an article which did some mud slinging about Bill Clinton’s old days and his habit of wanting to stuff as many voters (female) as possible with his own brand of political zeal. By following some of the sleaze, I blundered upon this YouTube. For the life of me, I cannot fathom the point of it!

My conclusion…Americans are seriously scary people! This film is a boxing contest between a woman who was prodded by Bill’s middle leg and a woman who tried to break a leg of her closest rival. This is so bizarre!

Tonya Harding vs Paula Jones

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Jumbos, then and now.

Sitting in the delayed plane at Heathrow, as I peered through dense fog outside the window, noting the shivering deported asylum seekers strapped to the wings, my thoughts wandered to the early ‘70s when I first flew in one of these monsters of the skys…

I was a small kid going to see Mummy in the UK. In those days it took ages to book, pay and get a ticket. I think my Father had to book almost a year in advance. There would be all sorts of paper work involving foreign currency allowances etc, but one day the tickets would be there to be picked up. They were really impressive. A thin little book, full of flimsy sheets of paper, all with red carbon on the back.

Then the day would come and the whole family traipsed to Salisbury airport to see me off. Checking in was a breeze. No security scans, no daft questions, no men with lollipops checking your genitals. In fact, time and mad Arabs have reversed everything. Now you can book online in seconds but need hours to actually get on the plane. In the early ‘70s it was all so romantic. After checking in the luggage the family would go up to the ‘observation’ balcony. There we could gaze down on the brand new Boeing 747 of South African Airways and smell the fumes of avgas whilst I sipped a rare glass of coke and my parents drank tea. Then the flight would be announced and I would pass swiftly through customs and immigration, walk across the tarmac and board the monster.

I remember that first trip on the Jumbo very well because I was the kid from hell! Using my natural charm (whinging, moaning and wailing), I was allowed to check out the cockpit, wander around First Class, including a visit ‘up-stairs’ and after much yowling, was escorted through the duty-free at Jan Smuts airport (the plane first went back to SA), to purchase huge amounts of chocolate. Back on board, I was forced to part reluctantly with £1 for a pair of earphones to listen to the on-board entertainment. This was a real con. The music was piped. The ear phones were nothing more than hollow plastic tubes you stuck in the armrest and the other end in your ears. You were also supposed to give them back! No chance of that. In fact I managed to thieve three more pairs which I flogged for 50 pence each to my fellow inmates on the return trip.

There was plenty to keep me entertained. Between wolfing down copious amounts of chocolate, I made frequent visits to the toilets. Inside were loads of plastic bottles of fancy stuff like Ode-To-The Toilet, Channel 69 stinky stuff, little bars of soap with the cool SAA springbok logo, hand creams, face creams, all beautifully embossed. I thieved the lot! My hand luggage under the seat was bulging. If I had had more space I would have taken the cool looking life jacket as well.

The service was excellent. Every few minutes I would push one of the buttons on the armrest and a white servant would appear to take yet another order for a tin of coke. I poured the stuff down my neck as fast as they could be delivered. Dinner was superb. A lovely huge chunk of steak, but things went slightly wrong in the middle of the mid-flight film. I even recall what it was. 40 Carats It was about some old hag messing about with some young dago, when suddenly, without warning - I vomited. Buckets of the stuff! Coke, steak and chocolate streamed out, all over the seat in front and all over me. I had a huge stinking puddle of the muck filling my lap, with partly digested lumps of steak bobbing around like fishing corks. I landed up moaning in pain, stretched out on the floor by an emergency exit. The servants flatly refused to wash my trousers and I had to try and clean them up in the tiny sink, where much to my disgust, I discovered some bastard had stolen all the soap!

Well, 36 years later, here I was in another giant vomit bucket, but I wasn’t feeling sick – this time I was shitting myself with fear and people could smell it. Heathrow is stuck bang in the middle of west London. If the plane runs out of runway, it ploughs into enough houses to make way for the new Olympic stadium. Not like the runway in Salisbury all those years ago. Did you know, that at that time Salisbury airport was the longest in the world? The story goes that SAA phoned the airport and told them that if they wanted the new Jumbo to land there, they would have to extend the runway. The bloke on the phone in Salisbury said it would not be a problem, but after hanging up realised that he had forgotten to ask exactly how long it should be.

Too embarrassed to phone back, he hazarded a guess and reckoned a couple miles should do it. In fact, when they finally ran out of tar to lay, at an amazing 15502 feet (2.9 miles!) it went into the Guinness Book of Records as the longest civil runway in the world that no one had any use for. I also recall that in the same edition, Rhodesia also had the world record for the largest farm, somewhere in the lowfeld, where every cow had about 200 acres to get lost in.

Anyway, Dec 2007, back in the giant sardine can, the plane just went on and on and on. The engines were screaming, I was farting and after what seemed an eternity, the thing finally lumbered up, grazing half a dozen chimneys in the process….

The headphones were free this time but not worth stealing. The movie selection was impressive but sadly blew up in the middle of watching Casino Royale…

To be continued

Here is the next YouTube from Nambia.

Finally, to end today’s posting, I have been asked to tell you about my mate Robert Fowler and his ambition to change the world whilst based in his newly purchased lodge in Victoria Falls. He wants to revolutionise tourism by making it eco-friendly. This he has decided to do via Facebook. So if you use Facebook, search for Ben Gula's Eco-Brigade

Quite a few people have joined. There is a rather disturbing video about ‘canned’ hunting.

Next thing is to try and arrange some free lodgings at his pad. It looks quite cool.



Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

What an end and start from one year to another! It seems to have been some time since I last wrote anything. One reason was writer’s fatigue, combined with a dash of blockage and wrapped up in a classical Bavarian diagnosis of the dreaded Nullbock-a-rissmuss disease. For those unacquainted with the dialect of the southern Germans, it means, Cant-be-arsed.

But now I return from scribblers’ paralysis to plague your brain cells with wonders of witless words, guaranteed to shift all that undigested Xmas puddings that are still putrefying in your lower gut. Hopefully you all had a wonderful festive season, drowning your sorrows with credit card subsidised alcohol, I had no such luck. Will 2008 be a better year? Better than what? I suppose you could think of your worst year of your life ever, and then say, ‘Well, I do hope that despite the forthcoming divorce, the house repossession, the courts appearance for tax evasion and the ever increasing unlikeness that the national health service will supply me with a liver transplant within the next 300 days; 2008 will surely be better than 1967 - as that was the year I ran over my pet rat with my bicycle.’

Look at the mystery picture below. Who is that man and what is his name? That bit is easy, because that is little me! But, where am I? Aah, welcome to the magical mystery tour. From the mental wasters of Northern Wales to the Desert wastes of Namibia, Southern Africa, I have been on adventures galore and even saw some pussies. Lions, that is, and best of all – I got pictures of places where even flies don’t bother going on holiday to.



To get there and back, I had to use planes, trains and automobiles. Just like the hilarious classic of that name, with Steve Martin and John Candy, my trip was plagued with misadventures and the occasional NBF. Just like in the movie, I attract New Best Friends (NBF) like starving Dafurian children attract flies to their dripping nostrils in every footage we see coming out of the place. (Jeez, let’s kick start the year with some serious anti-pc). I can’t help it! Every boring, lonesome loser homes on to me like I’m the best thing since the Salvation Army gave out tokens for the off-licence instead of pisshead’s soup. You know the type. As soon as you mistakenly make eye contact they pounce and inundate you with questions and have body language reminiscent to Michael Jackson watching a Johnson’s Baby Oil advert.

Another thing that is almost as annoying as having a NBF, is to suffer from LSQ syndrome. I have all my life and it is incurable. Long Short Queue syndrome afflicts the tiny percent of the population who will sweat buckets scanning and struggling through masses of people (like at Heathrow Airport) looking for the shortest queue to check-in , grin triumphantly around at having found it, and one hour later go into cardiac arrest as you realise your flight has been called and the queue you are standing in is being served by the winner of this years Rip Wan Winkle award for sleeping on the job whilst pretending to look busy. This is whilst your NBF behind you is trying to impress you with his knowledge of Wales by explaining that he was stationed once, in the early ‘70s, in Portmadog with the navy. This is highly unlikely as the place is barely big enough for a train station and the only navy I have seen in the place was on the side of a bottle of rum in the pub.

Well, actually, the bloke behind me in the queue at Munich airport on the 22nd December was actually a rather witty individual. (The really bad NBF comes later.) An American, married to an Italian, flying to Milan for Xmas and flight delayed. Me? My flight back to London, after visiting the kids, had been cancelled. The Krauts pushed the blame onto the Tommies. ‘Zee having zee bad fock in Hit-row’, said the nice blonde, blue eyed supreme being, who reminded me of an Ayron poster pin-up for the Deutsche version of Brokeback Mountain , at Lufthansa passenger service desk. This was after almost two hours of queuing. Of course, what he meant was, ‘They have bad fog in Heathrow’, which could be, but what the hell has that to do with you bastards only operating one service desk? I kid you not, the efficient Germans are no more. By the time I was told to catch a ride (if I am lucky) with British Airways, the amount of people wanting to be serviced had grown to a weary line at least 60 metres long.

Things can only get worse. They did! Starving and dying of thirst, I was eventually tossed like the old rag that I am, on to some British Airways flight, that having been delayed more times than a Zimbabwean economic revival, had a pilot dead-bent on a suicide mission and attempted to land a plane crammed with petrified passengers on a runway covered in a mantle of fog thick enough to spread on a BA dried out bread bun. Anticipating this I cleverly emptied my innards prior to landing, thus, should the worse come to worse, the plane crashes, I wouldn’t be fried in my own shit encrusted pants.

Now safely landed, it should have been much ado about nothing until I realised I had no baggage. Well I did but that had disappeared, which, to put it mildly, was a bit of a pisser. Since I was flying the next day to Africa, this was a tad inconvenient, not to mention downright serious bad news! For the one and only time in my life I had separated my body from my file-o-fax. In it was every access code for everything. Nice one! Also my beloved Swiss Army knife. Any man knows, you don’t go anywhere without one of them. If you neglect to take one, sure enough, a horse will turn-up with a pebble stuck in its hoof and you are left embarrassingly explaining to its frantic rider, that as a former Boy Scout, you have failed miserably due to heavy fog.

There was also another small problem. The camera was also inside the missing suitcase, complete with the brand new 2GB chip. Just bought for this trip! Actually, this came as a blessing in disguise because it meant being forced to buy another one, and that’s when I did a clever thing. After checking out the various mini-digi toys at the Vat free shop in the departure lounge and concluding a modern 35mm beast was - a) too bulky and b) taking the piss on the price, a Sony Cyber shot was purchased. The latest. It is unquestionably the stupidest designed camera on the market. There are buttons in the way of thumbs and knobs that twirl around just by breathing on them. BUT it has one amazing advantage. This little mini SLR looker, has the most genius of Carl Zeiss lens, that zooms an incredible 38-380mm! Okay, the f stops aren’t exactly very clever, but considering its size and speed of reload, it is a babe!

With a 2GB card and set to 5 mill pixs plus, it is perfect for the very serious amateur.

So, I will tell you more of my adventures over the next few days, but to kick start the whole malarkey off, here is a 3 minute YouTube of the first part. I tried to dub in some Namibian Folk Music, but sadly the PC wasn’t having it.


Till Part Two. Stay tuned, there are more great pictures to come, including the amazing sand dunes of the SouSouVlei and more hilarious observations…

Friday, November 30, 2007

A Millionaire’s Tipple

This photo is doing the rounds at the moment.

It is the story of a beer. That beautiful brown stuff we all love. Real Rhodies drank only Castle. Now, this beer in the photo, cost at a bar in Harare the other day, Z$ 1.000 000 (One million!)

The poor person wanting to drink this beer had to first cue for hours at the bank to get money. It is hard to believe, but there is a shortage of the stuff at the moment. Eventually he got some, but only in Z$500 notes. (Dunno why one pile has a 1000 label, but the rest are obviously 500 notes.)

As you can see, it came to four huge ‘bricks’ of the stuff, each a quarter million, to pay for the beer. Now remember, in August last year, the government lobbed three zeros of the currency, to ‘curb inflation’! That would have made it 1 billion.

Now, look at the next photo. This is what I used in 1978 to pay for a beer in the Midlands hotel in Gwelo.


Some of you might recall a spoof I did a while back about Zimbabwe and the Guinness Book of records. Now it is no joke – this is taken from the Zim Independent

ZIMBABWE yesterday broke a new record by being the only country in the
world with a national budget running into quadrillions (15 zeroes),
reflecting its highest inflation on the globe, and possibly making another
dramatic entry in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Finance minister Samuel Mumbengegwi presented a $7,8 quadrillion
budget to parliament amid disbelief among MPs and the public about the
government’s chaotic fiscal policy.

Mumbengegwi, whose budget concept and delivery were widely described
as "pathetic", dramatised his failure to measure up to the task by even
failing to read budget figures before him. The minister pronounced the
figures wrongly before giving up when it became clear he was mixing up
things.

MPs laughed while the public watched in disbelief.

Mumbengegwi’s budget was $7 840 000 000 000 000. According to the US
weights and measures system — which Zimbabwe uses in monetary issues — this
figure is $7,8 quadrillions.

However, if converted to the US dollars, it comes down to a mere
US$5,3 billion at the Old Mutual Implied Rate of US$1: Z$1,5 million. If the
official rate of $30 000 is used the figure jumps to a massive $261 billion
but this does not reflect the real value of the budget.

In US measurements, figures with six zeroes are a million, nine zeroes
is a billion, 12 zeroes is a trillion, 15 zeroes is a quadrillion.

The next figure after this is a quintillion (18 zeroes) followed by a
sextillion (21 zeroes) and it goes up to googol for 100 zeroes and then
infinite after 600 zeroes. No country has a quadrillion in the world today.

Due to hyperinflation, Zimbabwe’s budgets could soon deteriorate to
quintillions. Officially, Zimbabwe has the highest inflation of more than 14
000%.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Time for some laughs.

Well, the legacy of Ian Smith will be debated for years to come. Listening to some views from non-Rhodesians, I saw a common pattern. They accused Smith of being the one who created Mugabe. A comparison would be that retributions imposed on Germany after the WW1 created Adolf Hitler. It’s a lot more complicated than that!

It was very interesting to read the condolences and comments written by loads of people on the Bush Telegraph forum site. A few people I recognised. Quite moving to read them all.
---

Well, the show must go on! Oddly enough, Ian Smiths death coincided with my first exam for my latest course, Writing Plays! Yup, I am going to be a playwright. (Why it isn’t spelled playwrite, is beyond me.)

Well, not really. I thought it would be a good idea to give it a go, because it might help me polishing up dialogue and force me to use more precise descriptions.

Here is the exam –

You should present an outline idea for a short play based on ‘The Three Little Pigs’.
A complete cast list (max 200 words)
The outline scenario for the whole play, dividing the action up into scenes and writing briefly what happens in each one. (max 300 words)
A complete scene, using 2 main characters and no more than 2 subsidiary characters. The scene should incorporate a longer speech or monologue (70 -100 words) for one of the characters. The scene should be a maximum of 3 minutes in length


First problem, there are many versions of the three little pigs. So I did some research like all good writers do.

Hard to believe, but I came across a version, with exactly the same illustrations as the one I used to read to my baby brother in early ‘70s. This is the version I remember.
In this one, all the pigs get the building materials donated by local NGO’s.


Two pigs get eaten and the wolf gets boiled to death, whilst the third pig watches grinning his head off! It was a Ladybird book. They were the best, with really well drawn, detailed pictures. Now that’s the version I like. Clear, precise, to the point and prepares kids for the outside world.

The moral of the story is very clear – Either get a job as a brickie, or stay at school and qualify for a job so you can pay for one, otherwise…

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

your fucked!

But we have to look for other examples…

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/tweenies/storytime/stories/3littlepigs/

The BBC kiddies web site has an animated active version. In it, no one gets hurt, the pigs suffer from xenophobia. (Having not been told by mother pig to watch out for the wolf who might want to eat them, therefore, they simply refuse the wolf entry to their houses because he looks strange. The wolf at no time says he wants to eat them.) The first two pigs are promoted as being lazy, idiots and cowards. The building materials are conveniently ‘found’. I.E. the story promotes theft as being a way of life.
Finally, in a pathetic showdown, the three pigs (who are ludicrously called Tom, Dick and Harry), join forces and blow the wolf away. Total load of brainless waffle. I was gob smacked after watching it. The characters were completely characterless; the animations couldn’t animate attention even from a liberal in solitary confinement in Mugabes’ cells for the last 20 years.

This is political correctness at the extreme. At the end of the story, the only thing you ponder over is, if you would get caught blowing up the BBC. The moral of this story, is to leave school at 14, become a cowardly thief and blow away, with your mates, anyone not in your sphere of understanding beyond having unprotected sex and binge drinking.

I didn’t dare go and look if they have raped any more classic tales. I can see it –


The 3 Goats William and the Asylum Seeker under the bridge.

In this up-to date scenario, two goats apologise for not understanding the asylum seekers plight, are short of a few quid, but the biggest Willie will sort him out. He duly arrives with a truck full of U.N. aid relief. The asylum seeker is eternally grateful, becomes a vegetarian and spends his life helping the handicapped cross the bridge, when he aint signing-on.

With my blood really boiling, I wrote my play.

It contains everything I could think of for getting failed. Rampant violence, blasphemy, racism, petty childish quips and quirks, pathetic innuendos and drunken acting! I couldn’t fit in any incest or homosexuality because I ran out of words, BUT I did get some rape in! The play only took 7 minutes to write, as there is very little dialogue besides squeals and howls. Most of the page is taken up with stage directions, things like –

PIG 1 is now bludgeoned to death with baseball bat by WOLF, who is pissed and stoned out of his head. When finished WOLF takes a line of coke and picks up chain-saw and walks over to PIG 2 whilst fondling his penis, which now has a huge erection.

I entitled my masterpiece –

I’m a Celebrity Wolf, Get the Pigs Out of Here.

I based it on a T.V. program.


Nah, not really, but Ian’s passing did add extra, emotionally inspired dramatics, to my play. The idea had been formulated already.

So here is MY version of the three little pigs. It is just a coincidence that my pigs are white and the wolf is black. There are black pigs. That’s where we get black puddings from, right! And of course, there are white wolves because Jack London tells us so. But I tried to stick to the classic tale. You are more than welcome to read this out to your children and even maybe act out the last scene. They will learn lots!

I think I should get at least 55% for this effort!

4th December 2007 - this has been removed as it was contravening Open University regulations.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Ian Smith - "What has that to do with me?"

Taken from Reuters Web site. Wed 21 Nov 2007

Smith is history for hard-pressed Zimbabweans

By Cris Chinaka

HARARE (Reuters) - Zimbabweans battling massive inflation and chronic food shortages on Wednesday showed little inclination to reflect on the death of Rhodesia's last white leader.

Ian Smith, who defied the world for 15 years and plunged the country into war, died in South Africa on Tuesday aged 88.

But for a population ravaged by a severe economic crisis many blame on President Robert Mugabe, who took power after the country finally became independent Zimbabwe in 1980, Smith was already yesterday's man.

"He was a historic relic, and many people are concerned today about their daily lives, about survival," said Eldred Masunungure, a political analyst.

Under Mugabe's 27-year rule Zimbabwe has plunged from prosperity to penury. The country once called the "bread basket" of southern Africa is now suffering from persistent shortages of foreign currency, fuel, food, drugs and electricity.

Shops are largely empty of basic foodstuffs.

Zimbabweans scrounge daily to find commodities, including the staple maize meal, bread, milk, sugar, beef and cooking oil, which are now sold on the black market at prices much higher than those set by the government.

An estimated 3 million Zimbabweans -- a quarter of the national population -- have sought jobs and homes abroad, many of them illegally, as they flee the crumbling economy.

Many ordinary blacks still resent Smith for resisting black majority rule, but they are too preoccupied with the daily toil of survival to give much thought to him.

NO PUBLIC GRIEVING

There was no public grieving for "Good Old Smithy" as he was known to his white followers.

An elderly white woman shopping for grocery bargains at a city supermarket on Wednesday morning shrugged her shoulders when asked about Smith's death.

"What has that to do with me?" she said, walking away.

Smith occupied no formal position after leaving parliament but maintained that the country was better off under his rule and that Mugabe had ruined Zimbabwe.

"He (Mugabe) should have gone long ago. He has ruined a wonderful country," Smith told Reuters in 2000.

Mugabe dismisses white Zimbabweans opposed to his rule as hankering for Smith's racist Rhodesia.

The white population, estimated to have shrunk to about 40,000, has kept a low political profile since often violent farm seizures by Mugabe's supporters started seven years ago.

Political commentator and leading Mugabe critic John Makumbe told Reuters TV that Smith had died a disappointed man because his dream of stopping majority rule had been shattered but that he had similar to traits to Mugabe.

"They are very unfortunate similarities between Robert Mugabe and Ian Smith in terms of practising racism, violence, bad governance and bad policies," he said.

"But that must not be taken to mean Ian Smith is vindicated but just that Robert Mugabe inherited certain traits from Smith," Makumbe said.

Mugabe blames the collapse of Zimbabwe's once thriving economy on Western sabotage but foreign critics say it is the result of chronic mismanagement.

Ian Smith - World Opinion 1965


'We Want Our Country'

Taken from TIME magazine Friday 5th November 1965

The Prime Minister of Rhodesia stood tall and thin in the cavernous banquet hall of the Meikles Hotel. Before him sat the leaders of Salisbury society, formally attired. They had raised glasses in a toast to their Queen, but nodded approvingly when he warned that they might soon be leaving her realm. Now they listened silently as Ian Smith, in the flat, nasal accent of the settler, read from the eve-of battle speech of Henry V: "That he which hath no stomach to this fight, let him depart. He today that sheds his blood with me, shall be my brother, and gentlemen in England, now abed, shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here." When he finished, the Salisbury Municipal Orchestra played God Save the Queen.

Another throng of the Queen's subjects poured onto the tarmac of Salisbury Airport last week, but there were no leaders of society among them. For they were black, and had straggled in from the African townships of Harare and Highfield outside the city. They crowded onto balconies, perched in jacaranda trees, and clung to flagpoles around the airport building. More than 6,000 of them were squeezed in alight mass, hemmed in on one side by a 12-ft. wire fence, on the other by a cordon of police and their dogs. When the R.A.F. Comet whistled to a stop and the chubby, unsmiling man appeared at the cabin door, they loosed a thundering cheer. "Mambokadzi tinoda nyi-ka yehu!" roared the black Rhodesians who had come to greet Harold Wilson last week. "Your Majesty the Queen, we want our country!"

The British Prime Minister had come to Rhodesia to try, somehow, to prevent the white-supremacist colonial regime of Ian Smith from seizing independence. It was as critical a mission as Wilson had ever undertaken. The United Nations had urged sanctions to starve the settlers out. Some African states were talking of leaving the Commonwealth. And Wilson himself had talked grimly of the "bloodbath" that might follow a unilateral declaration of independence. At home, where many Britons had blood ties with the settlers, he was under heavy fire to salvage some sort of solution, if only a delay that would prove that Britain had done its best.

Road to Suicide? Wilson's chances seemed slight. In his talks with Smith last month in London, it had become painfully clear that neither side would make any meaningful compromise on the fundamental issue. The British would give Rhodesia its freedom only on condition that the nation's 4,000,000 blacks be guaranteed control of the government within the foreseeable future. To most of the 220,000 whites, however, that would be suicide. They offered only two meaningless gestures: allowing more blacks to vote for the 15 African seats in parliament, and the creation of an almost powerless senate composed of twelve African chiefs (who depend for their livelihood on the government). Any further freedoms for the blacks were absolutely refused.

The Rhodesians are determined that the blacks will never rule. Deep in their hearts, they believe that the first African government would murder them in their beds and drive them off the land. As Africa's former colonies have been granted their freedom, the settlers have shaken their heads in dismay. They talk of the violence of the Congo, of the autocracy of Ghana, of Communist penetration everywhere, and of the fate of their cousins in Kenya. If the blacks get more freedom in Rhodesia, says one leading supporter of Smith, "there will be a Mau Mau here."

The Bluster. The white man's fate in the new black African nations has not been all that bad. Kenya's Mau Mau terrorism stopped at the first signs that independence would be granted, and the brutal slaughters of the Congo are so far the exception in Africa rather than the rule. The initial period of white panic and black exultation is past —a period that saw wholesale departures of colonial civil servants who took their "lumpers" (severance pay) when their jobs were "Africanized," or the thousands of European farmers who pulled up stakes and fled, out of some misbegotten sense of guilt and impending bloodshed.

The fact is that the whites who have remained are still working and raising their families in every one of Africa's 29 new black states—if for no other reason than that they are needed. For all his anticolonialist bluster, Ghana's Kwame Nkrumah depends heavily on the 5,000 Britons (and scores of Americans) who live in his country, engineering dams and power projects, running factories and keeping trade channels open. Despite the horrors of the past, there are now 60,000 Belgians spread throughout the Congo (which once had 90,000), and the nation's industries, commerce and transport systems could not work without them. Last week the Congo's President Joseph Ka-savubu went out of his way to assure "all foreigners living in the Congo" that "this is their country; they have their investments here."

Eager Italians. Throughout Africa, many departed whites have returned, or else have been replaced by newcomers from Europe. British railway workers, fired by the Kenya government at the demand of its labor unions, were back on their jobs a year later at much higher pay; too many trains had been going off the tracks. In the Congo's fertile Kivu region, deserted Belgian farmlands have been snapped up by eager Italians who are now making money hand over fist. Attracted by high salaries and a booming, open economy, the French population of the Ivory Coast has doubled in the past five years.

Throughout West Africa—and elsewhere as well—the relations between white and black are easier than they ever were under the colonial regimes. "Today we can say things to Africans that they would never have accepted before, simply because it is no longer the master talking," says a French Africa veteran. Adds a black waiter in Abidjan: "There is no racial discrimination here, only social differences."

Actually, individual whites have never held much land in West Africa, hence that region has been spared the embittered struggles between black and white that have cropped up in the cooler, more habitable reaches of the east. Even in the bloody Congo, Belgians blame themselves for much of the chaos and exonerate the Congolese for the slaughters that followed independence on the grounds that it was nothing more than tribal ebullience—long restrained by Belgian rule—expressing itself at the agitation of Communists.

Whites who have remained in Africa have stayed on in a less vocal but surprisingly more active role. The large white trading companies in former British West Africa are busier today than ever, and there is no sign of their withdrawal now or in the foreseeable future. Living standards for whites have inevitably progressed with the jet and transistor age: fresh newspapers and delicacies from Europe abound in African cities; Belgian pleasure craft swarm on the Congo River of a weekend; a few theaters in each capital allow whites to keep at least some touch with European culture.

Some countries have been tougher on whites than others. Prime examples: Tanzania, which as Tanganyika once had 22,700 whites, now has 17,000. Last year Julius Nyerere's oft-muddled government confiscated 34,000 acres of rich white-owned farmlands merely to assuage African resentments (and perhaps to undercut Communist pressures from within the government). But even at that, Tanzania's Agriculture Minister is a moderate ex-colonial, Derek Bryceson, who was overwhelmingly re-elected last month as a Government Party stalwart. Salaam is as benign and friendly a city as a European could hope to visit.

After Uhuru, What? Of all the newly independent black nations, Kenya provides the closest parallel to what Rhodesia might face if "one man, one vote" came true. It had a large population of white settlers (60,000 v. Rhodesia's 220,000), many of whom owned vast tracts in the "white highlands" northwest of Nairobi. Soon after uhuru, the government of Jomo Kenyatta bought up thousands of acres in the white highlands—at fair prices but with no refusal—and turned the land over to land-hungry Kikuyu families as part of Kenyatta's political debt to the tribe. Down came the trim hedges and the lofty stands of trees that the English farmers had so cherished; up went ramshackle huts and fields of maize.

Many whites bugged out in despair; others sold their farms but took jobs flying bush planes, running tourist camps, still staying in the grand, gaudy country they loved. Today, there are And Dares-41,000 whites in Kenya, and they are by their own testimony happier than they were before uhuru. From the four Kenya races—African, Asian, European and Arab—Jomo Kenyatta has forged the closest thing to a united nation that can be found in black Africa. More important, the four African ethnic groups —Bantu, Nilotic, Nilot-Hamitic and the Hamites—are in greater harmony now than ever before, much to the relief of whites and Asians who might otherwise feel their random wrath.

Sir Michael Blundell, a busky-cheeked pioneer who came out to Kenya 40 years ago with only a shotgun on his back, was ready to retire to England just a year ago. After a disappointing political comedown following uhuru, he felt the country did not need him. Now he plans to stay on in his fieldstone farmhouse above Nakuru as a brewery director. Says Blundell, who was in charge of putting down the Mau Mau insurrection: "I know now that there is no relationship between the African's outlook today and what it was before. He is much happier and more contented. It is stupid to embark on a policy which must fundamentally turn the African into your enemy. You would then have to control him ad infinitum, and that isn't bloody possible."

Totally Unfounded. Curious and moving testimony on black Africa's behalf was delivered fortnight ago when Lord Delamere, the very symbol of the colonial era in Kenya, tried to bring a delegation of white highlanders to Rhodesia to convince Rhodesians that rule by Africans is not so hideous as they might think. The Smith government denied them visas, but it could not shut them up. In a statement published by the Rhodesian press, Delamere said: "Some of us have known in the past what it is to stand up for our rights as settlers. Most of us had perfectly sincere reservations about the speed with which independence was granted to Kenya. Today, however, we must admit that a great many of our fears have so far proved totally unfounded."

Such words are lost on the Rhodesians, who can see nothing north of the Zambezi but Communism, horror and corruption. They prefer to turn their eyes southward to the Limpopo, Kipling's great grey-green, greasy river where the Elephant Child got his nose stretched out by the crocodile. Across the Limpopo lies the shining example of apartheid in South Africa.

Champagne for Whites. In the Afrikaner nation of Hendrik Verwoerd, there is no nonsense about who is baas. Apartheid (pronounced apart-ite) means just what it says—apartness—and the regime has gone to amazing lengths to keep the blacks apart. They must educate their children primarily in the Bantu language. They may live in urban areas only on government permission, and even then they are confined to the sprawling African townships that surround every city. They have no political rights and must carry passes wherever they go. They may be hauled off to jail without pretext or shipped off to one of the eight "Bantustan republics," in which Verwoerd has decided that most blacks should live. Over the past 17 years, the regime has handed down 55 major laws to restrict the African in everything he does.

Though aimed at blacks, the authoritarian state's decrees slowly move in on whites as well. Enemies of the regime have been confined to their homes, or even jailed without trial, but the restrictions are more often maddening than menacing. Fairly typical is the plight of Diamond Heiress Mary Oppenheimer, whose wedding this week was to be followed by a formal champagne reception for both black and white guests. Clearly illegal, stormed the government: it would violate the laws against serving alcohol to nonwhites at a "racially mixed gathering."

Apartheid has turned South Africa into a villain in the eyes of the world, but the effect is hardly noticeable. Not even the black African nations pay much attention to the U.N.'s call for an embargo on South African products. Zambia, for example, still buys nearly a third of its consumer goods from South Africa, and radical Mali's government-owned airline serves its passengers Outspan oranges from South African groves. South Africa is by far the greatest industrial power of the continent. At the moment, it is going through a mild recession after four furious years of boom, but under Johannesburg's growing Manhattan-like skyline the city races along at a Manhattan pace.

Rhodesia has not yet matched the brutality or scope of apartheid, but the inclination of most of its settlers is obviously in that direction. They point out that the country would never be what it is without the energy, hard work and ingenuity of 75 years of white domination. And they have no intention of giving it away. "There will be no black rule in my lifetime," promises Prime Minister Ian Smith.

or the Rhodesian, there is much at stake. Few communities in the world can match the sun-drenched affluence that Rhodesia's hardy settlers have achieved for themselves. Lions still command the distant escarpments, and elephants, baboons and rhinos forage in the valleys of rivers bulging with hippos. But on rolling high veld, brushed with elephant grass and flowering jacaranda trees, the whites have carved out a tidy empire of modern tobacco farms and cattle ranches that has brought modest prosperity to the land. Taxes are low and so are prices; and, for whites, wages are high enough to permit all but the most menial workers their own cars, homes and servants. Salisbury, with a white population of 88,000 spread out over 30 square miles, claims more swimming pools than any U.S. city of its size.

Preference for Land. Despite their good life, Rhodesia's whites still consider themselves frontiersmen in the mold of Cecil Rhodes, the free-swinging colossus who led Britain's last grasps of empire. Announcing that "I prefer land to niggers," he marched into the territory, developed it with his own money, policed it with his own troops and, on the basis of a royal charter granted his British South Africa Co., gave it a government traditionally free of direct London rule.

Most blacks now prefer to call their nation Zimbabwe, after the thousand-year-old ruins of a civilization of master artisans who apparently traded with places as far away as China. To Rhodes, however, it was Zambesia, realm of King Lobengula of the Matabeles, and coveted by the colossus as a link in his dream of an "allred route" of British colonies from Cape Town to Cairo. Rhodes's interest was not exclusively imperial: Explorer David Livingstone had returned from the area some 30 years before with tales of gold nuggets "as big as grains of wheat."

Lobengula was a curious combination of statesman and savage. To demonstrate his ability to keep up to date, he had built a Victorian brick house among the wattle huts of his royal compound at Bulawayo. The brick pile was only ceremonial; he lived in a covered wagon given him by a passing trader and used its driver's seat as his throne. He loved to show bug-eyed visitors the royal treasury: two rusty biscuit tins filled with diamonds. A crafty giant of a man who stood 6 ft. 6 in. and weighed 300 Ibs., the Matabele king was a skillful diplomat with a well-trained army constantly patrolling for trespassers. He had successfully parried the white man's advances for nearly 20 years.

The Pioneer Column. Rhodes got to him in 1888. In return for a promise to keep all other white marauders out of Zambesia, the King affixed his official elephant seal to a document awarding Rhodes's British South Africa Co. the right to dig for gold. Rhodes rushed off to London, passed off the agreement as authority to take possession of the land, and wangled a charter to administer it in the name of the Crown.

For the first expedition, Rhodes hired an army of 500 whites for the British South Africa Co.'s uniformed "police," 200 trusty blacks for servants. The heart of the column, however, was 200 hardy settlers, hand-picked to form a balanced community of professional skills and promised 15 gold claims and 3,000 acres of farmland apiece. By 1890, all was ready. Crossing the Limpopo, the pioneer column marched 400 miles northward, formally took possession of King Lobengula's vassal state of Mashonaland, and began staking out their plots. The old King was dismayed. "I thought you came to dig gold," he wrote the British South Africa Co.'s board of directors, "but it seems you have come to rob me of my people and my country as well."

It did not take long. When Lobengula's armies finally rose in 1893, company police cut them down with machine guns, burned his capital to the ground, and made off with half a million cattle. Lobengula, forced to flee for his life, died in flight. The company took over his throne.

Settlers' Choice. Under hardheaded commercial management, Rhodesia quickly flourished. Cheap labor was provided by a hut tax, which forced the penniless natives to go to work for the settlers to pay it. But the settlers worked beside them in the fields and gradually adopted a paternal feeling toward them. New settlers poured in, built themselves Victorian towns and sturdy houses, and planted mealies (corn) and tobacco on the veld. When more land was needed, the natives were moved off, until in 1928 the officials decided something had to be done to protect them. The result was the Land Apportionment Act, which set aside roughly half of the countryside as "native reserves"—but also prohibited the blacks from owning or even leasing land in white areas.

The company's charter had expired in 1914, and rather than go to the expense of setting up a full colonial regime, London offered the settlers their choice between joining South Africa or forming their own "responsible government." For a hardy people accustomed to freedom, the choice was obvious. In 1923, Rhodesia became Britain's first self-governing colony.

All went well until after World War II, when the blacks of Northern Rhodesia and Nyasaland—also founded by Rhodes—began to demand their freedom. The white populations of the two colonies, too badly outnumbered to maintain control, began calling for help. In British eyes, the only solution was to weld them into a federation with Southern Rhodesia, whose large white police force and greater degree of self-government might quell the cries for kwacha, or independence. It was a scheme worthy of Rhodes, but not even federation could stem the tide. It lasted exactly ten years.

First Voice. In the meantime, strange things had been happening in Salisbury. Into office as territorial Prime Minister of Southern Rhodesia came Reginald Stephen Garfield Todd, a strapping, handsome ex-missionary. To the shock of his own United Party, he began to speak softly to the Africans. He managed to ram through a bill giving Southern Rhodesian blacks their first tiny voice in the territory's government—a separate ballot under which they could elect five of the 35 members of parliament. It was not much, but to the settlers it seemed a step toward their worst fear: that their servants would some day rule.

A wave of public reaction forced the Party to scuttle Todd, and his place was taken by Sir Edgar Whitehead, a conservative farmer from Umtali. To restore his party's shattered image, Whitehead took up the settlers' ever-present demands for full independence from Britain. Britain's prerequisite was a constitutional conference to which all political groups—black and white—would be invited. The conference was held in 1961, and out of it emerged a new constitution that gave the blacks even greater strength in the legislature—15 seats out of 65—and set out conditions by which they might eventually compete for the 50 white seats as well. The conditions: full voting rights for anyone with a high school diploma or a salary of $739 a year.

upremacy or Death. That was not what the settlers had wanted at all, and the constitution turned out to be a death blow to the government. Under a barrage of charges that it was soft on Africans, the United Party was swept out of office in elections the following year. A new party, built on a hard core of cattlemen, tobacco men and right-wing labor leaders, was on the rise; its platform was white supremacy or death, and its founder was Ian Smith.

Ian Douglas Smith, 46, is Rhodesia's first native-born Prime Minister. His father came to the land from Scotland in 1898, settled down to make his fortune as a gold miner, cattle farmer and butcher in the town of Selukwe, 180 miles southwest of Salisbury. "My father rubbed shoulders with Cecil Rhodes," Smith says proudly. "He was one of the fairest men I have ever met, and that is the way he brought me up. He always told me that we're entitled to our half of the country and the blacks are entitled to theirs."

At Selukwe high school, young Ian paid little attention to his studies, but was a champion sprinter and captain of his cricket, tennis and rugby teams. (Noted his school magazine: "Good on attack, but does not always time his passes well.") An R.A.F. fighter pilot during the war, he was shot down on a strafing mission over North Africa, escaped with a broken leg and a badly mutilated face. After plastic surgery in Cairo, he emerged with a drooping right eyelid, an immobile expression, and a brand-new face that the surgeon might almost have copied from pictures of Gary Cooper.

At war's end Smith went to South Africa to take a business course at Rhodes University, then returned home to Selukwe, where he fell in love with an attractive young schoolteacher named Janet Watt. They were married in 1948, and Smith decided that he would enter politics. "I thought he was crackers," recalls his wife, "but no one can influence my husband once he has made up his mind."

The Rhodesia Smith inherited was not conciliatory either. When the United Party decided to accept the 1961 constitution, Smith resigned in a rage—and immediately received a telegram of congratulations from archconservative Tobacco Tycoon Douglas Collard Lilford. "Ian Smith, and Ian Smith alone, was the one to get up and say no," recalls "Boss" Lilford. "He was the only blessed one to resign. This man has steel in him." Smith drove out to Lilford's estate near Salisbury, talked the tobacco man into helping him found the Rhodesian Front to preserve "Rhodesia for the Rhodesians."

With Lilford paying most of the bills and Smith in charge of organization, the Rhodesian Front sprouted like mealies on the veld at Gatooma. All the rightist fringe groups, including the Dominion Party of Contractor William John Harper (now Internal Affairs Minister), got into the act, as did such present powers as South Africa-born Lawyer Desmond Lardner-Burke (Justice Minister) and Cattle Farmer James Angus Graham, the seventh Duke of Montrose (Agriculture Minister).

For all its potent figures, the Front was hardly a respectable organization—until it won the 1962 election. "They used to look at us at the Salisbury Club as if we'd come out of bad cheese," says Lilford. "They called us everything—cowboys, Nazis, the lot. They don't any longer."

In the interests of prestige, Smith chose a respected tobacco farmer named Winston Field, the best-known of all his candidates, as the Rhodesian Front's first Prime Minister. But Field was not radical enough to suit the party hierarchy. He approved of the Front's demands for independence, but opposed U.D.I. Finally, Smith himself moved into the Dutch-gabled house at 8 Chancellor Avenue, which is the official residence of the Prime Minister.

"My Cook & I." That was 18 months ago, and Smith has done little but prepare for U.D.I, ever since. He seldom entertains, usually eats a sparse lunch at home with his wife, and spends as much time as possible inside guarded gates of No. 8's jacaranda-lined grounds. No major legislation has emerged from his tour as Prime Minister, but to promote independence he has flown to London twice, held a national referendum, an indaba (meeting) of African chiefs (all government-paid) and a full-scale parliamentary election (in which the Front won all 50 white seats but did not even contest the 15 black ones).

Smith makes every effort to dress up Rhodesia's brand of white supremacy in respectable terms. He claims he is governing in the interests of the Africans, who could obviously not govern themselves. He points proudly to the fact that their living standard is higher in Rhodesia than in any of the black nations to the north. He boasts that 85% of all school-age children are actually in school and that there are modern hospitals for the blacks in Bulawayo and Salisbury. Blacks and whites get along just fine, he says; Rhodesia is a sort of "racial partnership." And what does that mean? "When my cook and I put on a dinner and it's a failure, both of us are at fault," explains Boss Lilford's wife Doris. "When my cook and I put on a dinner and it's a success, both of us deserve the credit. That is partnership."

And the Africans do all the cooking. The overwhelming majority of blacks are allowed to go only as far as grammar school—"a waiter's education," as one African puts it. The nation has only three African lawyers, a dozen African doctors and not a single African in a key civil-service post. The few blacks allowed to sit in the legislature are powerless and afraid, for police-state laws allow the regime to confine any suspected troublemaker indefinitely and without explanation. The African congressmen, moreover, were all nominated by essentially white parties: the two major African political organizations have long ago been banned. One is the Zimbabwe African People's Union (ZAPU), whose burly leader, former Methodist Minister Joshua Nkomo, 48, has been held since April of last year at the steaming Gonakudzingwa "restriction center" near the Mozambique border. At another restriction camp at Wha Wha is the Rev. Ndabaningi ("A Lot of Trouble") Sithole, 45, 'a U.S.-educated Congregationalist minister who broke away from Nkomo in 1963 to form the rival Zimbabwe African National Union (ZANU).

By law, white workers must be given preference over black; the average black income is $200 a year, the average white income $2,000. A white telephone repairman is accompanied on his calls by his black assistant, who carries his six-pound tool kit, hands the baas his screwdrivers with operating-room efficiency, earns bare subsistence wages, and, at day's end, rides seven miles by bicycle or overcrowded bus to Highfield, one of the outlying African townships into which Salisbury's 300,000 blacks are crowded.

The townships are neat and well planned, and although few of their houses are equipped with electricity or running water, they compare favorably with the festering shantytowns of Latin America, Asia and other African countries. That point is lost on the Rhodesian black, who knows only that they are a far cry from the well-kept white suburbs through which he must ride. But he accepts his second-class citizenship impassively, a lack of education, ingrained docility and the state's efficient police leave him no choice.

But his life is getting worse. The government has recently tightened enforcement of the old Land Apportionment Act whereby blacks can no longer own or lease either stores or offices in downtown Salisbury. It is also trying to force private interracial schools to drop their African students. In the countryside, the government refuses to accept Africans' bids to buy unclaimed land supposedly open to them, and has set up controls to discourage Africans still living in tribal areas from moving to the cities. The motive is all too obvious: "If there is black rule in our lifetime," says Smith, "it will be our fault for allowing them to progress too rapidly."

It was Harold Wilson's task last week to determine just how much play there was in this rigid position. Not only had he to deal with Smith's "not in my lifetime" intransigence but also with the equally rigid demands of Rhodesia's black nationalist leaders for immediate "one-man-one-vote" equality. His task was made no easier by the ill-timed comment of the Archbishop of Canterbury, who asked the British government to use force to prevent U.D.I. Griped one Whitehaller, "This is a fine time to sing 'Onward Christian soldiers, shoot your kith and kin.' "

Wilson's strategy in Salisbury was to reach a "multilateralization" of discussion. "He wants to get so many people involved in the discussions, arguing about various approaches, that there will be a great number of confusing second thoughts," explained an aide. "He wants to move the negotiations away from the monolithic 'yes' and 'no' point where they have been."

The pace was wild and wearying: in his first 48 hours in Salisbury, Wilson met with 71 persons, ranging from members of Smith's "cowboy cabinet" through African chieftains in blue and purple robes to the leaders of ZANU and ZAPU. Among the deep carpets and mustachioed portraiture of Salisbury's Government House, the rambling, pillared seat of Britain's governor, Wilson resembled an Indian raja holding court. When Law and Order Minister Lardner Burke insisted that Wilson see ZAPU's "detained" Leader Joshua

Nkomo at the airport rather than Government House—a move aimed at underscoring the "illegality" of Nkomo's party—Wilson snapped that he would see Nkomo and everyone else only at Government House.

Oil & Airlift. From the outset, Wilson found that Smith could not be budged from his bedrock position: Rhodesian independence, based on the 1961 constitution and sanctified by a "sacred treaty." At their first meeting, Wilson handed Smith a letter from the

Queen, expressing hopes for "a solution to the current difficulties"; Smith stuffed it in his pocket to read later. He thus made it clear there was no room in the treaty for the principle of majority rule in the foreseeable future.

With that, Wilson turned to another tack: subtle (and not-so-subtle) hints of the dangers of U.D.I. If Rhodesians felt they could break with Britain and escape hardships, they were wrong. Wilson pointed out that 48 countries had already subscribed to sanctions against Rhodesia in the event of U.D.I., and that it would be a simple matter to cut off the nation's oil by embargo. Even though Portugal would probably keep some oil flowing into Rhodesia through Angola or Mozambique, it would be a scant and stopgap measure at best.

As to Rhodesia's capability of making life tough for landlocked, black-ruled Zambia to the north, which relies on Rhodesian rails to carry its copper to market, Wilson raised the prospects of a joint U.S.-British Berlin-style airlift. That was faintly ludicrous, since expensive, airborne copper could hardly compete for long, but it was meant to demonstrate that Britain was not about to be bullied by threats of Rhodesian countermoves.

Safety in Stalemate. As the stalemate wore on, the voices of Rhodesia's blacks poured in with rising volume. "Listen," said one white Rhodesian, "the savages are singing." They were indeed. Under black umbrellas and dazzling docks (headdresses), the African masses chanted "We want our country," and sang "Zimbabwe shall be free." But the sheer inertia of the positions—the safety, however momentary, that is inherent in stalemate—slowly took effect.

In a sudden series of face-saving shifts, Smith rejected a Wilson proposal for a royal commission to draw up a new constitution for independence, countered smartly with a plan for a "joint" commission (three Rhodesians and two Britons) to decide only if the principles of the 1961 Constitution, with some adjustments, could be adapted to become the basis of Rhodesian independence. To Wilson, it was as unexpected as it was downright "ingenious." It meant that Wilson and Smith could continue talking without either side backing down on principle.

Still, Wilson has no illusions about ultimate agreement. He left Salisbury with the impression that there was only one chance in a hundred of the joint commission actually coming up with a constitutional formula. But the immediate threat of U.D.I, and all its ugly ramifications had—for the moment—been averted. It remained to be seen if Rhodesia's blacks would be as patient as Wilson was willing to be. As he boarded his R.A.F. Comet in the bright sunlight of Salisbury Airport Saturday morning, Wilson left behind a frozen silence. But frost, in the Rhodesian context, is better than fire.