Friends, Countrymen and Fellow morons – lend me your beers!

I should be concentrating on proper things but just don’t seem able to at the moment. I am being constantly harassed by people with demands that unless I pull my finger out, I will be going nowhere. I find this rather strange because I hadn’t intended going anywhere anyway! I don’t actually have my finger up my arse; it’s up my right nostril! This is a very African tradition and is still used today whenever someone is confronted with a tricky question, such as

‘Why have you run over the cat with the lawn mower?’

Rather than tell the truth, the person questioned would place a finger in a nostril, gaze into the sky, and say,

‘Hoomba’,

in a sort of tone suggesting neither an answer nor an explanation. At this point the questioner would normally give up.

This is all beside the point. In an effort to expand my mind in a more academic approach than through tins of Carlsberg lager, I have signed onto another Open University course. It is called An Introduction to the Humanities. I realised I was in for trouble when I saw the mountain of stuff I am supposed to read, digest, comprehend and regurgitate in such a way as to prove I have some vague inkling what it is all about. I promptly had panic attacks and spent several mornings vomiting in the wash basin before I plucked up the courage to have a peep.

First bit is about art. Well, paintings actually. The idea is that I will learn to appreciate the difference between a painting costing £2 in a charity shop or one from Christies costing £2 million. Actually I always knew the answer to that one. It’s very simple. The £2 picture is the one you bought because you liked it and the £2 million one is the one you bought (presuming you have that amount of money lying around), because other people like it.

Well I had to look at a colour plate of a painting by Picasso and presuming that I have understood the course material so far, I could give a very good analysis of it.

The particular painting is called Girl in a Chemise. Amazingly, it turns out the thing is hanging up in the Tate Gallery in London, and entry was free! Perfect, so as I happened to be in London for a short visit to catch up on some serious drinking with a few pals, I zipped off to the place. Quite an experience I tell you. I got out at London Bridge underground and was thoroughly lost within seconds, but a kind chap showed me the way and because it turned out he had been born in South Africa I rewarded him with a pinch of the Piri-Piri biltong I had purchased at said underground for an astronomical price.

I hadn’t been around that part of town for a while and although the weather wasn’t actually at its finest, the sights are rather awesome. HMS Belfast, London bridge (the one the stupid Yanks thought they had bought), Millennium bridge (now no longer swaying), St Paul’s, Sir Francis Drake’s Golden Hind; it was just so cool! The Tate Modern is huge and I was rapidly running out of time. So I dashed up to the right floor, found the painting and stood there looking at it and attempted to draw up all my newly learnt skills. Now, as you might have noticed, I have put a picture of this painting at the top of this posting. Maybe take another good look, because guess what? My first reaction, which had me start to break down in hysterical giggles was this…

Amazing, Picasso was the first person to draw Beavis! In 1905! Sigh, I think I am really going to struggle on this course. Before having to dash, I had a look at the crack in ground floor. There must be some serious subsiding to get a crack that big! I don’t know why they haven’t filled it in yet because it is rather dangerous with all the people walking around!

Trying to find the nearest underground, I wandered over the Millennium Bridge, and turned left down Queen Victoria street. I suddenly had this urge to drop a coil and luckily for me there was a public toilet nearby. Sadly it is not very clean; in fact, the place was full of shit! I was forced to find a clear spot in the entrance hall. I took a photo of the front door, so anyone coming to London can be aware of the filthy place!

To wrap up today’s silly posting, I have been occasionally trying to help out my pal Rob who is doing his best to save the planet via Facebook with his Eco-Brigade. Members are signing up fast and furious with almost 1100 people joined but not many of them really having a clue what it is all about! That includes me, but never mind, any contribution that might help us from self extinction just has to be good.

I thought up this novel idea...

Here is a new and really sharp tip on how to save our planet. You do of course realise there are two ways to do this. The passive way, such as wiping your bum with recycled newspapers or the aggressive way, one of which is today’s example. We all hate the Japanese for slaughtering whales in the name of research, so why don’t we do the same! Spearing any old Jap won’t do the trick, you have to go for the rarer species; such as diplomats. All you need is a spear, a sharp fish filleting knife and a large placard displaying - ‘I am now cutting his innards out to scientifically examine them.’ Then simply spear one as it comes out of the embassy for a quick fag and as it flops, pumping blood all over the pavement, start opening him up with the knife whilst waving the placard about and shouting, ‘I do this for the embitterment of mankind’s knowledge of what makes a Japsy tick’.

Next week we will talk about whether foxes should wear fur coats.