Why is there a snake in the Baobab
tree?
Hello everyone.
I was recently asked to Beta read the
start of an erotic novel in the style of a typical romantic erotica such as a raunchy
Millstone and Bombs for a former member here who was banned by admin for
promoting himself . (Bad man.)
Genre – Romance, Crime thriller – target audience
- Reading age - till can’t anymore. The futuristic novel set in the future,
which could be best seller once tweaked (a lot), is titled - Why is there a snake in the Baobab tree? It is
quite good. -
Opening scene: Chapter 13, Page 12. Fifth
paragraph -
“I dearly love you Adamo,”
she said as he stuffed his nicotine stained tongue down her oesophagus, choking
off most of the sentence that he couldn’t hear anyway as his Bluetooth headphones
were banging out Meatloaf’s ‘Two out of three ain’t bad.
Managing to lip read what
she said as he was half deaf from having yellow wax stained, screaming lumps of
plastic and metal stuffed in his ears.
“I truly love you too Evana,
let us lay together under the shade of this very large, dead baobab tree. But
at the front of it. I think someone did an odourless poo at the back.”
He gently threw her violently
to the ground, her heaving bosom covered by an immense head of nit filled,
tangled, filthy black hair from being dragged through a hedge backwards. Hair
that hadn’t been cut for 36 years due to the Covid 19 lockdown.
“Let us make gentle love,
for I do need you to relax my tension before I run away from facing the
electric chair.”
As they lay together on
the rock-hard ground, sadly devoid of soft green grass due to the drought now
in its 35th year, together, Adamo removed his 27-inch-long wooden prothesis
leg and rubbed his bloody stump.
Just then, Evana trumped
his lustful desire by screaming out in terrible fear, “Adam look!” She pointed
at a mysteriously moving object, “Oh-oh, Adamo,” in shock, “an ant has stolen
my Chinese made plastic fig leaf .”
Although cleverly written, it
contains a few flaws. But first the way the writer has already given you the
loving couple names and address of the scene being logically the Kaahari desert
in Botswana. Lots of ants live there.
Well described descriptions, describe
in so much that Adamo is obviously an Italian, Mafia chain smoking, one legged
dwarf mobster on the hop from the law. (Murder weapon? Wooden leg – blood?) Also,
the reader can presume his breath will smell and he will have plenty of black
teeth to match his gangster outfit he might or not might be mightily wearing or
not.
Evana is obviously of Czechoslovakian
background who parents could have been
that famous couple who used millstones as bombs against Russian tanks in the
uprising known as the Prague Spring in 1968. She also, perhaps, have a problem
with personal hygiene and public naked exhibitionist similar to Lady Godiva, to
protest against climate change.
We can also conclusively conclude it’s
set in the future and the end of the world as we now know it soon will be. Since
Covid 19 was developed in a laboratory on the 31st of December 2000 just as the
clock struck 12 making it a second later just part of history - add 36years
since they shut all the shops and the reader knows the story is set in 2036. Brilliant.
The author doesn’t, tell he shows!
The air is full of pungent stink as
the poo doesn’t smell. (Well maybe to flies. They can still survive in that
kind of environment. Presumably if there is enough defecated excrement lying
around.)
However, I noticed some serious mistakes
of logic.
1.You don’t face the electric chair;
you sit in it.
2. If he is on the hop from the law,
he can’t run away because he just took his leg off.
3. Why are they not waving their arms
about because of those flies?
4. How come there is no mention of
being uncomfortable on the hard ground.
5. If she is such an environmentalist,
why a plastic fig leaf? Did she perhaps get it from rummaging through the
remains of a Chinese restaurant she assisted in blowing up for selling endangered
shark fin soup.
6. Why is there a dead horse on the
cover of the book?
The author does leave more questions than
answers in this short scene, but I wish him luck flogging a dead horse.
Now - I don’t write sex scenes like that. Some readers
may have lost the plot in my opening scene and promptly start seat wetting and
just speed read through the non- sex scenes. Other readers are enjoying the
plot but can’t understand why the couple seem to have so much sex. Sometimes
twice in one chapter!
Someone please Beta read my opening
from the half-written book Titled provisionally - ‘Seat Wetting’. Thanks. –
He…1200 words CENSORED… “and
please pass me the bottle of apple juice.”
