Rhodie Tony walks down a hill

Rhodie Tony walks down a hill.

Why? Who cares? The idiot got up there and now needs to come down. He was coming down alright, four tabs of ecstasy, 15 beers got him up there for no apparent reason than besides ‘Why not?’

His body is shaking, mind confused, his limp penis pongs of sheep. This is not good. Some hikers greet him. He fondles the breasts of a buxom woman and is promptly decked by her husband. They do not understand that Tony is not well.

His cell phone rings. He looks. Eish, it is the Boss. WTF? Now was a bad time to phone. He hits the green button.

‘What the fuck do you want? It is Wednesday, almost the weekend and I am riddled with cavid 19.’

Blah, blah blah,

‘Really, ooh, what she looks like?’

Blah, blah, bla,

‘No problem Boss, all sorted.’

Tony hangs up. Jesus fucking Christ, this hill is bad news. Ahh - an idea.  If he walks backwards down it, his mind will work in reverse.

A great plan. Five steps and… down he goes, a tumble of arm and legs at the bottom still able to moan among broken bones

Some Polish passer-by, frisk him of his wallet and throws it away in disgust of it being empty.

But – Rhodie Tony, can not die. He is a hard core Rhodesian. Men of Men.

Pushing splintered bones back into his body, he walks to the bus stop. There he meets HER.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7o5itMLK-vQ

Panic in Detroit?

Panic in Detroit?

The Bubonic plague in the 14^th Century killed an estimated 50 million people. By 1495 Syphilis was a major killer in Europe during the Renaissance with an estimated 5 million dead up to that date. In 1918, Spanish fu killed anywhere between 17 and 100 million people. 2009, Swine flu killed an estimated, between 150k and half a million.

I look at the figures relating to Covid 19 to date. Oh, forget the fact 400,000 plus people died of flu worldwide last year.

The only serious outbreak I have noticed is a social media in hysterical meltdown, happily fuelled with the ‘real’ media, flogging doom and gloom, delighting in watching billions being wiped off stock markets. Which I beg to differ? How can you sell at a loss if no one is buying?

What loss? Someone is doing well. There is no real money involved, just figures on a screen going up and down.

There is no ‘real’ Noble Prize for economics. It is not a science. Hence it was never included by Alfred Noble when he made his list.

It is simply a guessing game based on if people feel good, they spend. If they feel gloomy, they do not. So long as you can spend, credit will flow, firms boom, everyone happy – it’s a Bull rush. Everyone is getting rich except the poor 85% of the population whose only ‘shares’ in global finance is sharing a lollipop.

And then, along comes nothing more than a tricky cold. Pops off a few people, most ready to shuffle off their mortal coil anytime soon. Big deal. Sure, it is tragic.

Brent crude plunges to 35 bucks a barrel. Largest drop since 1991. Quick, hit the fuel pumps. Tank up at huge discount. Hardly. But the cost of a face mask or a bottle of hand disinfectant hits a new time high. Someone is cashing in.

Close schools, run for the hills – we are all doomed. Bust airlines, trash small businesses, politicians have plans but wash their hands from the problem. Only talk shite to appease an angry mob of psyched up social media addicts, thinking that they will rattle their last at any moment and prey for salvation as the Vatican closes its doors and Muslim Holy sites in shut down. Where is the deity now – or is this the work of the devil or Rhodie Tony?

Rumours abound – how did it start, who is ground zero?  We all know AIDS was started when Michael Jackson started to hump that Congo chimp. So perhaps Corona virus was created in a Chinese bacterial warfare laboratory and it got lose - or simply a mutation of influenza adapting to out of date anti-bacteria drugs?

What I do notice – Sales of weapons went up 5% last year worldwide. Does that mean killing people will stop the virus?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXxmIcsmpnQ

Dr. Rhodie Tony’s Prevention and Cures against Covid 19 – Ten Ways.

Dr. Rhodie Tony’s Prevention and Cures against Covid 19 – Ten Ways.

Rhodie Tony went through medical school in the twenty minutes it took him to design and print out a certificate from Harvard University - Cambridge, Massachusetts with a Ph.D. in psychology. This qualified him to set up a small website and cash in on some laughs.

www. catastophiccoronacures.com

1. Washing your anus with warm soapy water after defecating will save having to panic buy 2000 rolls of toilet paper. The Arabs have been doing it for centuries (albeit with cold water and no soap), and none of them got the virus until they switched to Western loo paper.

2.  Eating several complete bulbs of garlic will help - as no one will come within a mile of a breath that could kill a vampire on the spot.

3. Massive consumption of Corona beer will make the virus leave your body in buckets of sweat.

4. Men only - Wear a condom and avoid kissing the whore when bucking one in the handicap toilets of ‘The Nag Gives Head’, pub. If she is showing the symptoms, demand a 30% discount. 

Ladies - pop your gigolo in a 57c degree bath full of Dettol for 40mins before having some fun.

5.  Get rid of your parents, and grandparents if aged over 65, as they are filthy carriers. Insides rotting away which the virus greedily eats from, then they reach out to siblings in mouth dribbles and snot sneezing. Explain that suicide is painless and pop them off to Switzerland on a one-way Easy Jet ticket to Switzerland.

6. Cough down the phone to your Boss, pull a quarantine sickie, hang up a notice on your door, pack your glad rags and fly to Jamaica. Virus free as Covid 19 can not procreate in bodies loaded with hash and cocaine.

7. Cash in your pension, buy a decent tent and set up home on the South Pole.

8. Find someone with the chronic illness. Exchange bodily fluids, nearly die, recover and now immune.

9.  Walk around wearing a Darth Vader mask making that heavy breathing noise. The virus is shit scared and will not come near you.

10. This is proven to work – Keep Calm and Carry On.