The Gokwe Kid and the case of the nicked knickers

Sitting at his desk contemplating why anyone would spend quarter of a million pounds for a machine to make plastic wine glasses (part of his present university module), the Gokwe Kid received some grave news from Zimbabwe. Opening the letter for which he had to pay the transport cost (broadband), he read a remarkable report from his old sleuthing grounds –

Police probe mystery woman's underwear snatcher

New Zimbabwe [online] 23 July 2012-07-23

GOKWE police say they have been asked to investigate after 26 women went to sleep with their panties on – then woke up to find themselves naked, a newspaper reported.

The panties were later found in a heap in the local Njelele Village, and 17 were positively identified by their owners.

A spokesman for Gokwe police confirmed they were investigating the bizarre incident, adding that they were minded to exercise discretion and allow local leaders to try traditional solutions. Chief Njelele, the local traditional leader, has since requested police permission to conduct a witch hunt, the Bulawayo Chronicle reported.

The chief told the newspaper: “What happened in my area is so scary and everyone is in a state of shock and panic. I have called for a meeting with my subjects in the two villages where the incident occurred and I am scheduled to meet them so that we chart the way forward.”

According to Chief Njelele, on July 11 this month, “the majority of women” in two local communities under village heads Pauro and Chariseka went to sleep with their panties on – but mysteriously woke up in the nude.

 “After we reported the matter to the police at Gokwe Police Station, 17 women from Pauro and Charusekera positively identified their garments in the presence of the police,” the chief said.

“The remaining panties have not been identified maybe because of their state.

"Police, however, recorded 26 complaints from the village which tallies with the number of underwear which were found in the bush.”

The chief said he was in talks with police to invite self-styled prophets known locally as tsikamutandas to conduct a witch hunt to smoke out the “trouble causers”.

Whoever is fingered as responsible will be hauled before the chief’s court and punished – which could be in the form of a fine or expulsion from the village.

_ _ _

The great Gokwe Kid – Dick of the Bushveld, super sleuth, sucked on the slimy saliva dribbling out of the corner of his mouth. At last – something to get his nose into and solve yet another Gokwe mystery. Googling rapidly he looked up the word ‘innuendo’ (after several attempts to spell it correctly), and came to a cotton picking conclusion.

1. He had no time to fanny around on this case; no matter how funny it smelled.

2. Time was definitely an essence. One whiff that the Gokwe Kid was looking in every nook and nanny for the crook - he/she would will-o'-the-wisp away.

Rapidly the Kid checked over his budget airline sized, brown cardboard boy’s suitcase with its cracking, badly painted logo  - The Gokwe Kid Hardy Boys Pvt Dick Kit Kase - and smiled gently. Aah, those were the days. At least now, since he started university, he knew that he had spelt Kase incorrectly. Taking a black marker, he corrected the error into Kace.

The contents winked suggestively out, but sadly the polymer blow-up doll seemed to have degenerated over the last three decades and was quickly disposed off. The DNA kit seemed fine; even the microscope’s label ‘Property of Allan Wilson High School’ was still readable.

Throwing in a pair of shorts and a vest, the Kid had in a few clicks printed out an open return boarding card for any business class flight to his homeland with Air Zimbabwe from Gatwick. He knew from his immaculate memory  that they flew regularly. He could hop on anytime.

Before that the brilliant detective tossed into the encrypted search machine for head dicks a few key words – photo – panties – pervert – images, and soon had an idea of the type of culprit he was looking for. He wasn’t too bothered that it looked like a white man on some British council estate - this was negligible. It would be the body language he would recognise.

After hitching to Gatwick, he was rather alarmed to hear that there were some delays. Every minute counted. The Kid needed to be sniffing the culprit out before the scent went stiff and cold. Using his incredible powers of subtle questioning of every person wearing a uniform in Gatwick, the Kid concluded after 3 days that, it appears Air Zimbabwe has gone tits-up and will not be flying to the UK in the very long next foreseeable future – ain’t that just the pants!

Cold case closed.