London 2012 Olympics exclusive – Zimbabwe’s Kirsty Coventry – an alien!

The world was left recoiling after it was informed by the head of GS4 that high powered scans, used by short term employed benefit scroungers (on really a penny above minimum wage), have picked up the fact that Kirsty Conventry, the much meddled Zimbabwean swimmer, is in fact the evil Gokwe Mermaid dressed in a rubber suit of attractive human female proportions.

 

Mr Cool Beans, the well renowned head of the world’s largest private security firm - who coins 750k a year for being a complete idiot, and Tory supporter.

 

Lord Coe, who is sort of in charge of London’s sporting extravagance paid with quantitative easing, when told of the allegations responded immediately –

‘Holy cow! Yes, I recall the Gokwe Mermaid incident. I thought the Mumbo-Jumbo witch doctors had sorted it out. Bloody hell, this bad news. Still, I must say, the rubber suit is very impressive. Well, it is just as well the thing was disguised as a whitey! There would have been some right stink otherwise. Strip the thing of all the old medals and prepare a firing squad.’

The infamous Gokwe Mermaid. Details are here in an exclusive for LOTR

Minutes  after Lord Coe’s comments hit the airwaves, supporters were twittering so much; the NHS A&E were overloaded with sprained thumbs and forefingers.

‘It is all that twat Danny Boyle’s fault,’ screamed one 65 year old Polish nurse as she gently pried the semi-melted smart phone from an Essex obese chav teenager’s crippled hand,

‘most of our staff were fucking around at the opening ceremony last night and are still too pissed to come to work. Is this anyway to run a country in the EU?’

The Zimbabwean government spokesman, Brainless Bunga-Bunga, denied all accusations.

‘I, aah… cannot comment because the West have imposed sanctions on anything I say.’

As the scandal rapidly unfolded, renowned scientific experts were quick to note that as Eastern Zimbabwe have a rare tribe, the Doma people, with only two toes, it was quite feasible that the Gokwe Mermaid had environmentally changed the usual dolphin tail ending in a fin, into a pair of legs. But they concluded on a serious note that they think it was all genetically engineered hanky-panky from the Chinese.

Meanwhile, latest reports are that the Gokwe Mermaid has fled to the Ecuadorian Embassy and asked for political asylum. It is also rumoured that there could be a bit more hanky-panky with some Aussie bloke also holed up there whilst training to win gold for swimming in shit for dear life.