Happy New Year : Ryan Air

Well, I am sort of back again. Here is some gibberish I wrote. Rather funny actually…

Catch ya soon….

Ryan Air is a profit making version of an egg farm; the difference is you are the chicken laying Ryan’s shareholders the golden eggs. The corporation, lead by their flyboy-ant (and hilarious) CEO Michael O’Leary, prove that the Provo’s put up with poorness because it’s cheap.

‘For every flying drunk Bull bellowing, I got 500 pissed Cows lowing.’

 Michael O’Leary:  Reply to a question why people fly with his airlines and then complain. Sauce: BBC H.P and Tomato.

Doing my latest module with the Open University, I have been required to examine the creativeness of English in everyday speech. This required subterfuge. As a result I managed to obtain this recorded transcript from a ‘friend’ of mine flying recently with this airline…

Ryan Air on-board pre take-off announcement

Top of the St Patrick ’s Day and a Happy New Year to ya all. Remember, here at Ryan Air, every year is a Patrick. I am temporarily filling in for the Captain and me names Paddy van der Merwe. That ‘cos me Irish Mam was raped by Dutchman in South Africa during the apartheid protests. Anyway, I am sorry for the two day delay but that was due to a volcano exploding on the moon. We are not responsible, but for 10 Pounds English  (not Scottish or Irish) or 15 Euro (not Spanish, Greek, Portuguese or Italian…in fact only German), our cabin crew will give you the Email address of who is.

As we wait for a taxi tow start, I would like to point out that this flight is going to a destination printed on your home computer printout. If you’re not supposed to be flying to that printout, please refer your complaints to Window 7 or earlier and I suggest you leave now.

As you can see the seat belt signs are on. The vast majority of you will notice that some passengers are seated; this is because they are amputees and we are obliged to fulfil a financially crippling cripple’s quota on all flights.  The government forces us to supply them with seats.

Please do not hesitate to contact one of the staff if you feel sick, they will supply a recyclable bag for just £1 deposit.

We have a no Wee-Wee policy on board. Should you at anytime wish to wee, or god for bid shit yourself, a small area has been designated for £5 a shot. Time is restricted to 45 seconds, after that the door automatically opens for some great shots on Facebook.

Ryan air prides itself on the quality of its on flight entertainment. These include scratch cards for a pound with the first prize a free flight to any where back from where you went, subject to termination and snow on any runway.

We are now ready to depart and our cabin crew will now remove your free children from the aisle and place them in the overhead lockers. Please note they will be weighed and should they exceed the weight limit, an excess fee of £100 per kilo will be levied. For those still on Imperialistic system – that is £200 pound per pound.

Finally, in our effort to compete with other airlines that offer dodgy sandwiches, we will from next year be offering a new service. All children less than 15 kg will be allowed to be stored in the overhead lockers  and/or fly free. Please note this will affect your own overhead luggage allowance.

I Thank ya for paying no attention, and I hope that you will fly with us more as the recession bites. Top of the day to ya all.

Lovemore Sibanda : How to send secret documents secretly.

Well, it is Xmas and all that. I doubt I will be able to post again till the New Year. I wish you all the usual.....hot weather, cold beer, tax free lottery win, shark free warm sea waves and keep dreaming. So, if you get bored over the festive period, try out this nonsense. See ya next year and thanks for checking in. More followers and comments please.

Special Agent Lovemore Sibanda, a deep undercover mole operative for the sinister head of WhackyLeaks, Darren ‘Whackhead’ Simpson, explains how he manages to send covert reports to his master without the enemy cracking the code he uses.

Here is an example of a recent report he sent -

 I am recovering from a savage beating by the Zimbabwe police because my trainers they wanted to take as a fine were made in China and had holes in them. Meanwhile that number one diamond lady, Grace, is very cross with the newspaper for saying she is stealing diamonds. She say she don’t get her nails dirty and get dirty people to do the dirty work and then she does the dirty on them.

Ps. Where is my Xmas box?

This, as can be seen, is in perfectly legible English. Now here comes the secret code.

Using Google Translate, it is changed to Albanian. It comes out so –

Unë jam Shërimi nga një rrahje të egër nga ana e policisë Zimbabve trajnerët e mi, sepse ata duan të marrin si një gjobë ishin bërë në Kinë dhe sikur vrima në to. Ndërkohë që një numër diamant grua, Grace, është shumë e kryq me gazetën për të thënë se ajo është vjedhur diamante. Ajo thonë se ajo nuk do të marrë thonjtë e saj të pista pista dhe të marrë njerëz për të bërë punë të pista dhe Pastaj Ajo e bën të pista mbi ta.

Ps. Ku është kuti Xmas e mia?

This in turn is translated into Swedish –

IUnë är återhämta sig från en vilde slog av polis Zimbabwe min tränare för att de vill ta som en fin gjordes i Kina och hade hål i dem. Medan ett antal diamant kvinna, Grace, är mycket kors med tidningen för att säga att det är stulna diamanter. Hon sa att hon inte skulle få sina naglar smutsiga smutsiga och få människor att göra det smutsiga jobbet och så gör hon det smutsiga på dem.

Ps. Var är min Xmas box?

Vietnamese officials confer with Swedes in attempt to understand the secret messages.

Then into Welsh –

IUnë yn gwella o guro milain gan yr heddlu o Zimbabwe fy hyfforddwyr am eu bod am gymryd bod un asgell ei wneud yn Tsieina ac wedi thyllau ynddynt. Er bod nifer o, gwraig diemwnt Grace, yn groes iawn gyda'r papur newydd i ddweud ei fod yn dwyn deiamwntiau. Dywedodd na fyddai'n cael eu ewinedd budr budr a chael pobl i wneud y gwaith budr ac wedyn mae hi yn y budr arnynt.

Ps. Ble mae fy Xmas bocs?

Then into Yiddish –

יונë ריקאַווערינג פון אַ ראָצכיש ביטינג דורך פּאָליצייַ פון זימבאַבווע מיין קאָוטשיז מחמת זיי וועלן צו נעמען אַז איין פליגל איז געמאכט געווארן אין טשיינאַ און האָבן האָלעס אין זיי. כאָטש פילע, פרוי דימענט חסד, קעגן די צייַטונג צו זאָגן אַז ער ברענגט דעם דיאַמאָנדס. ער האט עס וואָלט ניט זייַן אַ גראָב גראָב פינגגערניילז און באַקומען מענטשן צו טאָן די גראָב אַרבעט און דעריבער זי ס די גראָב אויף זיי.

פּס. וואו ס מיין קסמאַס קעסטל?

And, just in case, into Irish –

Meitheamh e Aisghabháil ó beating fí ag póilíní na Siombáibe Coaches Sórtáil mar ba mhaith leo a chur go bhfuil ceann sciathán déanta sa tSín agus poill a bheith iontu. Cé go bhfuil go leor cairde, Diamond bean chéile, i gcoinne an nuachtán a rá go bhfuil Tugann sé an Diamaint. Rinne sé nach mbeadh sé ina fingernails salach salach agus daoine a fháil chun an obair a dhéanamh agus ansin tá sé salach ar an salach ar iad.

Bandaleithid. I gcás ina's mo bhosca spás?

Then, just in case-case, into Vietnamese –

Tháng Sáu e Lấy từ cảnh sát đánh đập tàn độc của Zimbabwe Phân loại huấn luyện viên khi họ muốn thêm rằng một cánh được thực hiện tại Trung Quốc và có các lỗ hổng trong họ. Mặc dù nhiều bạn bè, kim cương vợ, đối với tờ báo nói rằng ông sẽ cho Diamond. Ông không làm cho nó một móng tay bẩn bẩn và có được mọi người để làm công việc và sau đó nó là bẩn bẩn trên chúng.

Băng thông. Trường hợp của hộp thư đến của tôi không gian?

Darren ‘Whackhead’ Simpson . The secret head of the notorious WhackyLeaks,  here shortly after being arrested for raping a swede and a largely endowed cabbage.

So, this is then sent via satilite to the head of WhackyLeaks, who, of course, knows in which order to untranslate in. Meanwhile, the enemy, simply translate the Vietnamese into English and it comes out like this –

June e Retrieved from vicious police beating of Zimbabwe Sort coaches when they want to add that a field is done in China and have holes in them. Although many friends, her diamonds, with newspapers saying that he will for Diamond. He does not make it a dirty fingernails and get people to do the job and then it is dirty on them.

Bandwidth. Where's my inbox space?

A photo not of Secret Agent Lovemore Sibanda, uploading to satellite his secret secrets in code.

Now, in theory, a supercomputer could then use multiple combinations of the language translaters available until it sort of hits on the original.

There is a catch, which Lovemore admits is causing a problem. Even with the correct reverse procedure, the message doesn’t come out quite like the original. In fact, I gave it a test and this is what I came up with –

Retryeved June E vicious police beating in Zimbabwe coaches blow when they want to add that the area is made in China and had holes in them. Although many friends, Diamond, with newspapers saying he diamond. It makes not one of those dirty nails and get people to do the job, and then it was dirt on them.

Bandvidth. Where is my place in the inbox?

Now, think carefully. Maybe ALL those scandalous WikiLeaks are actually done the same way! I bet the USA will sue the pants off Google. I approached an anomalous anonymous Google spokesperson calling himself Andy Amoeba, and put this proposition to him. He replied quoting Jesus - ‘It's a hassle it's an educated guess. Well, frankly I couldn't care less.’

Moan, Moan, Moan.

We all love a good moan. I tend to moan till it gets boring, even to me. The papers are full of people moaning. They are either left moaners, right moaners, or moaners who don’t know their left from their right and as such have problems finding shoes that fit.

Today’s moan is two fold. It is about my view and the fact there is a lot of white stuff that turned up over night. Take a look at this amazingly creative photo I took a month ago.

Stunning hey, and you may well ask…’How did he get the angle?’ That’s easy - because the sodding pole is on the right at that height of my view. The middle and left are destroyed by a criss-crossing of wires. It is a sea view one would expect whilst looking through a pair of stamped on spectacles. In any other civilised country this would not be allowed. As soon as I am rich, I will sue the council and have them removed underground – no matter what the cost. Erm, actually, if I was that rich I would be living somewhere sunny with cheap beer and…sigh…dreams.

These pics were taken today. I am now effectively snowed in. I know this because the postman couldn’t be arsed. Luckily, I have enough to live on for another 20 hours. After that…I will keep an eye out for frozen legs of lamb falling off the surrounding hills.

The YouTube, also taken today, shows how much fun you can have in this town.

And, the power of Google and YouTube astounds me…they actually recognised the music!

Assange and Bin Laden : Modus Operandi - Birds of a feather?

I was thinking - and this idea popped up into my head. Both these men have uncanny common threads in this present setting of planetary conflict - cyber or otherwise.

It works like this. Both –

1. are shadowy figureheads of organisations in conflict with western governments – mainly the United States of America.
2. are perceived either as brilliant fighters for freedom from infidels/suppressers/ etc etc or….are simply megalomaniacal terrorists bowed to destroy ‘our way of life’. (Answer on a postcard – see if you can quote Ian Smith on that one.)
3. should they be captured or eliminated would be the same as putting out fire with gasoline. Plenty more ‘nutters’ would sign up to the ‘causes’. The leaders both planned well for the possible inevitable, by making their loosely connected cell groups almost impossible to catch and if caught - the information ‘water-boarded’ out would generally lead to a large pond with no rivers connecting to the sea.
4. have no fixed abode.
5. are accused by perceived enemies of ‘radicalising’ their supporters.
6. at least once, peed their name in the snow. And you can do this too at www.pee-mail.com and you can send messages with this program in secret wee code. Be quick before we get bombed by drones.
7. are incredibly locked in a perpetual cycle of cause and effect.

Interesting hey! But that is where it ends.

Rwanda : Part One

In the mid ‘80s I drove through vast tracts of central Africa. One place I visited was Rwanda. I will never forget the two odd weeks I was there. Amazing place. I have in my Africa DVD collection the films Shooting Dogs and Hotel Rwanda and they are extremely haunting, even more so as I recognised many of the settings.

In a recent Open University forum for my latest modem, I literally stumbled upon another student who has also been there – in fact; it appears we were almost sitting next to each other at a recent tutorial. Anyway, she mentioned the incredible moving experience of seeing the Mountain Gorillas in the Parc des Volcans.

Here are some of the pictures along with some comments.

This is the border between Tanzania and Rwanda. It was notorious for flowing red and filled with bodies as it meanders down to Lake Victoria during the slaughter.

Crossing the bridge was weird. One minute you’re speaking English, driving on the left and the next you’re on the right, one hour behind and the official language is French. Not only that, every second day seems to be a public holiday, custom officers need a two and half hour lunch break and beer only comes in quart sized bottles. Mind you, it is excellent stuff as the Germans built them a brewery. The coffee is first class also.

The main roads are excellent, thanks again to the Germans. That’s why my Ex didn’t need a visa, but I did. Amazing what a bit of aid can do. The country is stunningly beautiful.

It was in Rwanda that our poor little Toyota Hiace packed in. It was bloody amazing it had got this far! Luckily, of all places, Rwanda was No 1 Toyota land, and they had a huge workshop in the capital. We were towed there by a strange couple we met outside the German Embassy. They later scammed us for US100. The very kind Belgium manager allowed us to camp in the huge yard overnight.

On the way to the park we nearly drove down a massive hole created by a landslide, n pitch darkness and then using the ‘detour’ through a banana plantation, got stuck in the mud. Former No1 boy scout (that’s me), was very Be Prepared. I had a bag that you fitted on to the exhaust pipe that ‘lifted’ your car out the mud. Well, that was the plan. Sadly, the exhaust had a leak. (It would get a bigger one later) Not to worry…I had a winch on the front. One problem – ever heard of a banana tree pulling an overloaded van out of quagmire so sticky you could use it to immobilise an invading German panzer brigade. (Maybe that’s why they paid for the tar roads.) And it was lashing with rain.

Still, there is always help at hand as Rwandans have this really odd habit of gathering around a white person and just well, stand there and look…for hours if need be. Whilst waiting for Toyota to open after their two hour lunch break, we pulled over and made lunch. Within minutes we were surrounded. Things got worse when a motor cyclist ploughed into the crowd!

Anyway, there in the mud, loads of locals dug the bus out whilst EX, screaming in terror, gunned its guts out and didn’t stop till she hit the ‘main’ road again. AND – to add insult to injury, our kind ‘helpers’ were now circling us like sharks closing in for the kill. I scream - ‘Give them money.’

She screams – ‘How much’. I say, ‘20 francs.’ She says, ‘The smallest note is a 100!’ I say ‘Give it to them; it is better than being eaten alive.’

She hands it over, …and…a fucking party breaks out! (Oh, it was about £100 in today’s money.)

Here are the guide lines. One says don’t look straight into the eyes of a gorilla. Especially the big one. It forgot to add that a large 500mm mirror telescopic lens might also be considered ‘aggressive’.

 

 This shot is very interesting. It is taken from the side of the rain forest. That fence is the ‘border’. Rwanda is massively cultivated, and all the mountains have just little tops of forest.

These are some of  the shots I took. I was lucky, for the group I and my fellow tourists (most well heeled and dressed in brand new ‘Wolfskin’ Safari gear, the whinging posing twats), would look for a group not that far from drop off point. If you didn’t find your group…tough titty - $300 US down the tube, hence only I went because our six month old advice sheet had been half the price. You get exactly one hour with them.

 

War of the Words : WikiLeaks finances VISA and PAYPAL and AMAZON

Satirists think faster than journalists – we are clever because we have never thought we would ever be muzzled, killed maybe, trodden underfoot, have our bitter tasting tongues ripped out and had the ‘pen and pencil’ that was given as a present for all mankind… snatched back… taken away…till now!

With amazing dexterity, the US of Arseholes has declared war yet again. This time it is against us, the people who adore the ability to post complete shite, tittle-tattle and rub bad peoples’ noses in their own muck. There will be big trouble over this – not so much the leaked documents (till now), or the ‘rape’ accusations against Julian Assange, but the Yanks war against freedom of speech, the very thing they are supposed to protect!

As you can see by the screen shots, ( Click on for enlargements.) these firms who have cut services to WikiLeaks, are actually quite happily cashing in on it all. Amazing! I struggle for a simile – It’s like the German government paying for stolen Luxembourg bank account details to catch tax dodgers – and get away with it.   

Will I close my accounts with Visa and Paypal and stop buying from Ebay and Amazon? The answer is a resounding YES - if I find some other place cheaper. Some clever bastard with too much money lying around could set up LeakyBay with payments via WikikedPal and replace Amazon’s dominance with WizzOnMon and base the lot in China.

----

WikiLeaks post list of vulnerable targets for terrorists!

Now, I am quite the expert in counter-insurgency, COIN, to coin a phrase. If I need a list of targets to terrorise, I could jot hundreds down on the back of fag packet between the logo and smoking kills, in two minutes.

My favourite has always been driving a fully loaded petrol delivery tanker into the Hofbrauhaus Tent on the opening day of the Oktoberfest. That will teach the bastards for punching me in the eye. (Long story.) Hah-hah, take that.

Still, on second thoughts, I will cancel that one. The idea was I let the tanker bleed petrol, then I jump out just as it careers down the short grassy hill (this at the BACK of the tent,where the drunks vomit and sleep it off) and it ploughs insanely driverless into the thousands of tourist binge drinkers singing along with the Bavarian folk band, ‘Hey Wiki Ooh Ahh will you be my burl’. The gushing hose would spray around like a giant cobra spitting alien acid, and then…then the highly flammable vapours would ignite instantly amongst the tobacco and pot smoking pissheads and …whoosh! Hah-hah....yeah, get that ya bastards and er...(well it's more fun than counting sheep).

But, they banned smoking this year. Oh well…back to the drawing board…any one got a spare fag packet?