Feeling sorry for Archibald (aka - Itchy) Arsehole.

Feeling sorry for Archibald (aka - Itchy) Arsehole.

Besides that he had a serious problem with his surname – last week Itchy Arsehole was on his way to sign on for benefits. Itchy had never worked in all 47 years of breathing air for free.

Every time he went to an interview for a job, he just kept silent and scratched at his arsehole whilst grinning and squinting his eyes.

But on Tuesday, 14^th of March, he came a bit of a cropper. He had just pulled his dosh from the ATM and was off to his local to increase the landlord’s profits at the expense of the tax payer – when…

His left Nike trainer stood on some freshly spat out chewing gum from some knife wielding gang member, and his lovely right designer shoe stood in a pile of dog shit left by some bitch who couldn’t be arsed to clean her bitches shit up.

Hang on. I rewrite that. Some bitch let her bitch dak on the pavement and the bitch didn’t clean the bitch’s shit up. Got that?)

So…

What Did Itchy Arsehole do. What would you do?

He undid the shoelaces – and walked the final 30 yards to his local in his Lacoste crocodile emblem socks.

A literation of literation with M and L.

Actually - it is alliteration. But sadly - someone actually wrote to me and asked - 'Can you do that with other letters of the alphabet?'

Mongo was a Mongolian with a mongrel dog and three mongoloid children and a wife who only ate mangos.

Mongo must make a mind-blowing makeover of his life.

Massacring his troop of Mongolian monkeys and selling them to the Chinese, he moved his entire family to the island of Lanzarote.

Changing his name to Lazarus, he would arise from debt by breeding Lamas. His plan was that he could distribute them around the Canary Islands and they would spit on tourists who would think this was great fun.

Sadly – the local banks would not support him and Lazarus and his totally renamed family (Lolita, Little Lazy, Lost Loon and Lump Lead Head), all did a lemming.

RIP.

Johnathan Livingstone Seagull

Did you hear about what happened to Tony?

No? A very sad story. We all knew Tony. A really nice person. We all loved Tony. Never had a bad word for anyone.

Tony spent his life making other people’s lives happier. Then it happened.

He went to Galveston to watch seagulls flying.

Pointless really. He fell of a cliff whilst quoting from ‘Johnathan Livingstone Seagull’ -

Luckily – on the way down – he was soothed by the Neil Diamond sound track on his MP3 player as he hit the deck, broke his stupid fucking neck and now squanders from the state in a wheel chair.