Learner drivers – Gokwe style.

Oops. I just remembered a hilarious anecdote I forgot to put in my book. It is about learner drivers. We, (the police) in Gokwe were allowed to take the hopefuls for their theory test. (After we had passed our full license.)

It worked a bit like this. So along comes some black geezer. He has read the Highway Code (not). In the Highway Code was the Q and A list. In theory, you took one dollar and a passport sized photo from the applicant, randomly asked about 50% of the questions and if they replied correctly, you gave them the provisional drivers license to go out and kill and maim as long as a ‘L’ sign was stuck on the back of the vehicle. They were supposed to have a fully licensed driver with them, but I recall (and many of you will also), it was all a farce.

So, it didn’t take long to clock that the candidates were actually parrots! It didn’t matter what question you read out, they chirped the answer word perfect. Punctuation, grammar was faultless even if they couldn’t speak more than five words of English. Something was afoot. I started to get uneasy because I had a gut feeling that they hadn’t a friggin clue at all what the hell they were parroting on about.

There were two tricks you could do. Because I am a natural born liberal without a cause, I felt a bit sorry for the savages and would not take the money and fill in the form and paperwork shite before the exam. I gave the exam first and managed to fail about 99% of the hopeful drivers. They kept the buck and picture (a hell of a cost and trip down to Que Que to sort that out), I had no paperwork and the dirt roads were kept relatively safe till Independence.

Actually, it was rather easy to catch the natives out. The Highway Code had an error on the back. It was about which car dips lights for which car. They had it wrong and the candidate wasn’t really sure what the hell dipping lights meant anyway since whitey had only given him a candle a couple of decades ago. (Who remembers that fabulous little dip/full beam button on the floor for your foot? I really miss that.)

So as much as my liberal heart loved our peasants, I wasn’t exactly going to allow them to run rampant. I would gently break the news (sometimes through a translating constable), that perhaps they should spend some time actually understanding the Highway Code rather than just memorise the Q and A bit. Then some of them would really be drama queens and weep and wail about starving to death and all sorts, but my heart was hard and I said no.

But for the really clever-clevers that kicked up a right ruckus, I had my own question that always destroyed their dreams. It goes like this –

You are driving to the township. You are drunk and weaving all over the place. Behind you is a BSAP squad car flashing its blue light and yowling its howling siren. You see a possible bolt hole in a tiny street between some shebeens. It is hard right hand turn and at 130kmh, you try it. Of all the vehicles tyres, which one bared the least load as you attempted this maneuver?

Answer in comments please…

Just remembered…our black BSAP blokes who were taught by us to drive, were book perfect- almost to despair! In all my time with the BSAP, I never, ever saw or witnessed any of these perfect gentlemen drive like us white drunken hooligans.

PS – If you laughed, please buy me a beer. I am running out…