‘Arise O’ Voices of Rhodesia’, for the return of the Lore and insane order.

Artwork in the town where I live.

Well, I notice it has been some time since I expunged some verbal diarrhoea here on these trusty pages of perverted memories and present perversions. (Here I refer to bankers’ bonuses.)

I have been busy doing nothing. I haven’t had that privilege for some time. I got sick of writing. Over the last two years I have written xxx exercises, and every month an assignment or final exam. So, I took a break. It is over sadly because for me, it is back to school.

For those that are interested, I wrapped up the last academic year rather nicely. I picked up a Certificate in Humanities, but best of all, I just received a Diploma in Literature and Creative Writing from the OU. Not bad for someone who failed O Level Eengleesch, at the first try. (Saying that, our exams were a tad harder than the ones they do now. I mean; we didn’t have multiple choice questions like - ‘How do you spell ‘The’?

A - ‘The’.

B - ‘Huh’.

C - ‘Doh!’

All those wonderful letters after my name are just part of my BA. With Honours, I got another 160 credits to go. Then I want to take a teacher’s course and go back to Africa and brainwash some kids in Botswana that white people are evil. Well, that’s the plan.

I stop here for a short commercial break where I unashamedly plug for LekkerWear.com, makers of all sorts of Rhodesian stuff. After the break, I will explain what the hell I have been doing these last few months – stay tuned…

LekkerWear, has recently changed ownership. We only can guess that it has to do with money and women, but they make some cool stuff. Still; till it is repossessed, hah-hah. They even have copper plated vibrators shaped like the tower at Zimbabwe Ruins. Another one is shaped like Mugabe’s fist and when you switch it on, instead of buzzing, it shouts out “And you just thought I just wanted your farm!”

Now in this pic, I am wearing a green T-Shirt. Wow! – says you. Please note the Flame Lily and the word ‘Rhodesia’. No big deal, but I got it for free. (Along with a Rhodie motive emblazoned pair of knickers - size small - for donating a couple of stories for their Rhodesian Memories book. It is a good book.) The best stories are by me.

In this picture, I am posing completely bare in a London railway station with a Wales rugby shirt. I paid for this one. It has nothing to do with LekkerWear.

Here ends the commercial break…

Welcome back. So what did I do? Not a lot actually.

1. I spent a lot of time looking out the window, standing on one leg, and with a finger up a nostril; occasionally saying “hum-baa” to some simple pop question on the radio. Not surprising, I had a problem as the station is in Welsh.

2. I spent a lot of time wandering along the beach looking for talent. Amazingly, I did spot that one of the kiddies’ riding donkeys could actually canter! This town is really showing the X-factor.

3. Entertained my visiting kids. This was hard work. We watched loads of films. We were all mortified with the ‘feel good’ movie Slumdog Millionaire. As my latest course is Children’s Literature, which covers all the genres of the arts, I will be posting more about this film. It is a piece of genius, wrapped in a bag of commercial vomit.

4. Flitting around and catching up on Rhodie mates. Did a lot of that. Great fun. The high-light must have been a week in 37 degrees Celsius, listening to three generations of Rhodesian women haggling, via text and eMail with strange relatives (linked genetically via ‘Lucy’) ; squabbling over the spoils of the, yet, not defunct Granny.

5. Was given the boot a few months ago by my girlfriend. Yours is not to question why.

So, as a reward for all my loyal fans, I have a forthcoming treat. Against the advice from all imaginary future investors in my memoirs; I will post, in three parts, my latest masterpiece from Last of the Rhodesians: Chronicles of a Colonial Anarchist. A severely abridged version was part of my last exam. So I am allowed to put it up here.

Catch ya all soon.