Some other details I have gleaned from various articles on the Zimbabwe Situation website.
These include –
He started of at the Reserve Bank as a ‘tea-boy’ but was promoted after he was caught counting each grain of sugar to try and work out how many make a 14 and a quarter teaspoons.
His degree came from a university that also sells ‘lucky bags’ with do-it-yourself Zimbabwe driving licences.
The Dr. stands for doctored, as in budgets.
His signature has been reproduced more often than all the signatures in the world and all of them on legally binding bits of paper promising something. (But no one knows what.)
He rewrote the rules of a popular television game and called it Double Your Money and Make Yourself Poor.
Accountable to no one because no one can work out his accounts, Gone has single handily set a world record in the art of putting zeros on to bank notes, take them off, put them on, take them off and put them on again with such frequency that the money came to nought.
His latest best seller is called ‘Degrees of Blame’ where he correctly identifies the temperature needed to set a ‘brick’ of Z$ 20 billion dollar notes on fire to cook an egg, if a chicken can be found to lay one. This is blamed on sanctions.
As a result of his brilliant control of the economy, his tenure as the Governor of the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe was given another five years. This he desperately needed to complete his mansion.
A controversial figure, Gono was recently lampooned by the Zim army who have distributed flyers around the capital Harare recently. Via a friend who received one in the post and sent it on to me, here it is.
I have been to many National Parks in Africa but the best for me was Mana Pools. This place was seriously wild and the animals took priority. It was the only park I ever visited where you were allowed to do ‘walkabouts’, if you were seriously deranged enough to try it on your own.
I did many with a ranger that did Safari trips down there by the name of Steve Pope, owner of Chipembere Safaris. In fact, when I Googled his name, it appears the guy is still in business. I and my Ex became quite good friends with him and his family and often stayed with them in their home on Kariba heights.
Everything about Mana was very ‘un-commercial’. There were no luxury lodges (this is ’84 - ’94 ) and Steve was restricted to a maximum of three weeks at any one time in the campsite. This ‘campsite’ had no fence and the animals wandered in and out at will. The bringing of fruit, especially oranges, was strictly forbidden, as it made the elephants go crazy trying to get them.
The place was or maybe still is, one massive adrenalin rush. On one of his canoe trips, we woke up to have buffalos wandering between our cots. On a walkabout we had to do a runner from a herd of elephants. One night I almost walked straight into a Jumbo whilst going to the toilet.
But the night of the lions really was a highlight. It had kicked off one evening with the most goddamn din coming from the river, a mere 50 odd meters from the camp. The next day we discovered a wounded buffalo taking shelter in the river. Steve quickly explained the scenario. A pride of lions had attacked the buffalo who had managed to ‘save’ itself by getting into the Zambezi. However it was obviously badly wounded and he reckoned that if the crocodiles don’t get him, the lions would be back that evening.
Just for fun it was decided to go and have a walkabout to look for said lions. I didn’t like this idea, so cleverly hung back from the rest of the tourists whom seemed eager to become Shumba’s lunch. After about an hour we found them in a patch of vlei grass. Hah-ha, I have never seen so many people obey the instruction ‘Don’t run, walk slowly backwards’, this being said whilst rifles are being cocked, legging it faster than Speedy Gonzales on speed.
That night, our little group which consisted of 90% Quantas Air crew, a brilliant group of laid-back Aussies on their one flight in, one week off trip, were in their usual state of being well stoned and drunk, when the lions came back for their dinner. I wasn’t in much of a clever way either, but Steve managed to get the Land-Cruiser parked in such a way that it created enough illumination for us to watch the lions eat the buffalo alive! The picture isn’t too sharp due to the fact I wasn’t either.
Finally, from a canoe, I took this shot the next day of a lioness having some breakfast from the rest of the buffalo.
Reading Reuters Africa, I came across an article with the usual blah-blah about the present state of Zimbabwe. Very easy to précis the article – ‘would be totally down the plug-hole if the drains weren’t blocked’.
It is the readers’ comments that make the whole thing worthwhile. One, calling himself Bernard, dribbles so much rubbish that even Goebbels would cringe. Another by Afrocentric, also a Black African, verges on academic paper brilliance. This guy should be running Zimbabwe! The other comments are rather well divided evenly between ‘I know more than you, you racialist bastard’, and ‘Fuck-You too, you stupid racialist bastard’. Not quite in those terms of course, but between the lines. Good laugh if you’re bored and have read everything on my blog.
An Anti-Rhodesian
This woman (pic above) is an avowed anarchist. She claims to come from a revolutionary peasant stock but is also a lawyer here in ‘Was Great Britain’. Reading her ranting about ‘us’, it doesn’t take long to realise most of her clients are African (by that I mean Black people, because as far as this woman is concerned, White people shouldn’t live in Africa), whom tend to swing a tad to the right; such as Despots, Tyrants and Dictators.
She is undeniably very clever and knows her stuff, unlike the majority of idiots posting comments on the Reuter article. I came across her while doing a search of Rhodesian blogs. Hers came up with the tag – fuck Rhodesia. Naturally I was curious.
Now that I have persuaded you to part with some of your money and invest it in Africa for the Whiteman’s future (last posting), I, Lore, your financial whizz-kid in these times of terrible troubles, present the next top investment –
I haven’t worked out the returns yet, but shame, all those poor Ninjas!
Here is a good idea as far as Xmas presents are concerned. Remember all those years when you told your partner,
‘Darling, instead of the new car you wanted, I gave four k to some smelly long haired Irishman who has the used the money to create double as many starving people in Ethiopia over the last two decades instead.'
Your partner would have smiled and replied,
‘How great minds think alike, my dear. I just maxed-out your credit card on a thousand bootleg Chinese DVDs of Fool’s Aid, Dead in the Congo, you know, that favourite of yours where some Irishman, with a bone in his nose… or was it with a boner, can’t remember; but something about bones - claps his hands above his head and says “every time I do this, a child dies in Africa”.’
Then you laugh, and say
‘Hah, hah, and each time I watch it, I shout out, stop fucking clapping then.’
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So what can you give as a present? Something that makes you feel really clever and gets you brownie points for the pearly gates? I came across this in the Times
It is all about having a bit of your own Black entrepreneur. MYC4stands for something or somebody you care for. Like yourself for instance. "C4" is also the name of a plastic explosive – a metaphor for the potential which lies in African entrepreneurship waiting to be triggered, although I find that bit open to some ridicule from brain-dead right-wingers. The idea has eliminated the need to buy Black people from the Arabs and get them to pick cotton and, the constant desire to vomit in the African begging bowl that is passed around every Christmas. Plus, for some people, it would be nice to have some Black people working hard for them again, just like the good old days!
Now I can walk around and announce that I have an investment in –
MGTV MOVIE GEN TRADING - Electronics Shop in Kigali, Rwanda, owned by Mr. Kamali. He has been running this business for the last 8 years from 2000. He has sound experience in the business. He is married with 6 dependents.
The business is run by his wife, (thank goodness for that!) while Kamali goes out to look for more business outside.
Why Rwanda, you may ask? I have a soft spot for the place when I got stuck there in the ‘80s for two weeks, got scammed for US100 and nearly died. Long story for another time but to suffice to say the scammers were Germans and my near death was due to eating an entire locally grown chilli that almost stopped my heart.
Another firm that I definitely also have a stake in is in Kenya –
Apiary Ventures Enterprises(2)
Beehive Making
Anne has been running the business since 2007 and has been able to lead the business to a very heighten growth due to her management expertise and capacity to build good client relationships. She has been able to meet customers' demands but demand has been increasing at a fast rate. With the loan, Anne will be able to finish her projects by purchasing raw materials in bulk which will increase her profit margins to about 20%.
Cool-Beans, Hey! So soon lots of happy buzzing bees will make happy honey to be exported on CO2 gushing jet planes for White wimps to mix with their Scotch when they have a ruuny nose. I can’t lose, what a buzz.
It doesn’t take long when you look at the web site that this is the best thing to happen to Africa since Livingstone created the original recipe for missionary soup. Can you actually make a good return from your investment without actually going down there as the ‘Return of the Great White Bwana’, complete with stick and whip?
I think small amounts lent at low interest rates will return next too nothing after exchange rates, various charges (rather low), and worst of all, if you transfer the money via credit card, those VISA fuckers are very cute. Talk about taking their pound of flesh.
Investing as a gift appears to be rather long winded. I thought that after joining I could have the option of putting the required legal name for later returns of money to my girlfriend, but this is not the case. What I had to do was use her eMail address to join, and then my credit card to buy a share.
Say for example, I have five people I want to make an investment as a Xmas Pressie. Let’s pretend –
My mother is Jewish and would be delighted to gab to all who can be bothered to listen at the local bridge club,
'I haaaaav a faaaaaaaaaaaam in Afrikaaa and I am getting 12.5% p/a on my investment!’
Job done. Me son number 1 again. The fact she only got twenty Euros in the venture that would barely support a chicken, is beside the point. She won’t tell them that.
Then the girlfriend is a nutritionist. She can be pleased that she is helping someone build cages for apes that make honey. How cool is that? She will be busy as bee telling people it is such a buzz.
Sister is a complete celeb addict so she can slag her mates off by telling them that her brother bought her a clothes designer in Kenya.
Younger brother is a totally brain-dead skinhead, who tells his binge drunken mates that
‘Kicking a few Manchester United Fans’ heads in is nothing compared to what I got from Santa’s Claws. My big brother bought me part of an Agro Distributer in Uganda and he gonna pay me for the job.’
That leaves Uncle Fred, the alcoholic. He wants tell everyone he owns a brewery in Zimbabwe, but sadly that will have to wait.
When looking at the various investment opportunities, I would use some caution. For example, pumping money into an Internet Café in downtown Dar-Es Salaam sounds real cool, till it turns out to be a vipers’ nest of Al Quida boys doing their hacking heads off picture gallery updates. Next thing you know, the local force is pumping shot gun rounds through you as a suspected terrorist backer.
Okello Bernard, wants money for a …Drug shop in Uganda! How about that?Nothing like saying at the farewell banker’s party
‘Hah, do I care? Do I look bovered? I just injected a cool dose of dosh in a drug company, I will be flying again soon.’
Is my money safe? What happens if my firm goes tits up? Who cares? This is all part of a secret plan. You see, if this project eventually gets into Zimbabwe, all the Rhodesians can BUY enough shares to land up owning the place and get interest at the same time. Now, that is what I call proper economics.
Still, I do get a nice Xmassy type feeling seeing my name amongst the other investors on the internet. Ho Ho Ho.
Many of you have received in your mail various versions of the 419 scam, an advance-fee fraud. The link below gives a fascinating insight to it all. I recommend you read it.
Most are tediously boring in their lack of originality. With Zim going tits-up, the scammers have switched their con as being now ‘victims’ of the mess, who amazingly have millions that they can’t access without your help.
Nearly all scam letters are poorly written. As Wiki says -
‘Some victims believe that they can cheat the con artist. This idea is often encouraged by the fraudsters who write in a clumsy and uneducated style which presents them as naive and easily cheated by a sophisticated westerner.’
Ahh hah! So do the scams work? Well, according to Wiki –
‘Insa Nolte, a lecturer of University of Birmingham's African Studies Department, stated that "The availability of e-mail helped to transform a local form of fraud into one of Nigeria's most important export industries."’
BUT, this one I received recently (not), wins a prize for freshness and cleverness.
You do not know me, nor I no you, but now we no each other, I have a special request that will benefit both of us with Christ-mass box.
I may introduce myself. I am Zimbabwean Kuramidza Sixpence, the son of the war vetran Ticky Bichana, who passed recently, from shitting too much, away. Befour he dead he told me a family secret that the family did not no off. He had been a sell-out!
This is bad news because ZANU (PF) would kill him if they find out, but good news is that he is dead, but not buried and this is why I ask for your humble help in this matter.
In a tin trunk under his bed was money. The bed was on bricks because of the tokolotch, (a mini-me mugabe monster) that is why the tin trunk could fit. Inside is Rhodesian Dollars 4,745.25 cents in proove notes, still sealed in ok bazzar plastic bags with Rhodesia is super logo, (Zimbabwe Dollar 586048.78556358.85634.845635367, and 20 cents) This monies were paid by Ian Smith for him to spy on Robert Mugabe. He said he should have got more but independence came and Smith lost his job and Mugabe steal all his cows.
I have swim the net and see Rhodesian dollars minting on eBay for American dollars, but here is my dialemma.
‘If you put too much money for sale it loose its value.’ I never forget this word from my last Boss, Gideon Gono. I use to make his tea till Tanganda Tea estates were burnt down to make way for 3 goats and 2 chickens and 2 thousand 15 years old war vetrans.
I my-self am a big man in ZANU (PF) and that is a problem because western sanctions make it impossible for me to sell on eBay. If you sell for me, I give you 25% (twentee fove pine-scent) commissaries.
With the proceeds I will get a new komp-poot-ya and scammer and with a new printer from a farmer who lost it, I and you can stay in business till the last Rhodesian die!
Pleeze reply with your honest intention and your bank account details so I can start our transaction.
I must warn you of utmost secret see. I have a plan to push up bidding so look-out and suzzie matwetwey will be bidding but they don’t win, okay.
The following satirical piece is interspersed with pictures from ‘84-’94. At the end I have written a few more details and some interesting links. Remember to double click on pics for supersize.
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court of Zimbabwe has upheld the ruling party’s policy of wanton pillage and have agreed with the complainant, Nyaminyami, to be allowed to return to his ancestral home, along with his people, the Batongas.
Ruling in favour of the legendry Zambezi river-god, Chief Justice Dull Sixpence said
‘The Whiteman built the wall so as to steal the land from their rightful owners. Under all that water is a lot of land waiting to be farmed, so this ruling gives it back. The dam must be destroyed as soon as possible.
Several representatives, who had attempted to block the ruling, had raised some valid points. Chief Chop Chop had complained that his Kapenta industry would collapse. The Judge had disagreed saying
‘I didn’t know we still had such an industry. Besides, those tiny fresh water sardines taste disgusting. They can be replaced with herds of cattle.’
The crane that lifts up the sluice gates.
Jubilant supporters rampaged through the pot-holed streets of Harare, torching any souvenir shop selling tins of Kariba fresh air. A spokesperson for the government, Deputy Minister for Sitting Around and Moaning, Thickness Matonga, told gathered reporters
‘This will take time to implement as due to western sanctions we only have enough dynamite for the few remaining suicide bombers to blow the last whites off their farms. However, due to the fact we have too many Doctors sitting around doing nothing, we have put them to work genetically changing white termites to eat concrete.’
Kapenta boat
The Environmentally Incapacitated Movement also voiced their concerns. They pointed out that the collapse would destroy all of Mana Pools, overwhelm the Cahora Bassa Dam in neighbouring Mozambique and create a tsunami that would engulf Madagascar.
Open market, High Density Suburb, Harare. Note the pile of Kapenta and loads of food. ca 1984
Thickness Matonga brushed aside their fears with ridicule.
‘Mana Pools, last bastion of the Whiteman’s desire to be close to nature? Hah, do I look bovered? As for Mozambique, I don’t give a shit. Those bastards were supported by us during the liberation struggle and now have the audacity to demand payment for the bit of electricity they gave us; in US dollars. What wrong with Zimbabwe dollars, the back-stabbing swines? I personally don’t need their electricity, I have a brand new Yamaha generator I found on my new farm. As for Madagascar, who needs the place? The last film was set in Kenya for Christ’s sake.’
Someone asked how many of the original people will be returning to their recovered homes.
‘Sadly, not that many,’ the Minister said, ‘our statistics’ experts reckon from the last election role most of the Batongas have been dead for at least two decades and the rest will soon be for voting for the MDC. Anyway, that is not our fault but Ian Smith’s racist Selous Scouts dogs.
Mana Pools Nat Park, Zambezi River.
Before leaving the Minister made a chilling warning.
‘We all know there is a lake-load of firewood down there. Let me make one thing very clear. I have a firm called Zariba Firewood Pvt Ltd. It has the exclusive rights to all of the firewood. Should any one attempt to remove one twig, I will have them machined gunned from helicopters, just like those illeagal diamond diggers the other day.’
Kariba sunset with exposed trees.
Editor’s comments.
When contacted, the Zambian Minister of Some Power, Cool-Beans Ncube, responsible for supplying the Zambian side hydro-electricity to the copper mines, spoke very bluntly.
‘ Should the irresponsible behaviour of the Zimbabwean government goes ahead and attempts to have the wall eaten away, I can assure you, the entire Zambian army will be sent to Kariba to stamp out the vermin, once and for all.’
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Kapenta was a huge industry and a much source of protein. The Zimbabweans would eat it in a form of relish with their Sadza. It became a sort of touristy thing when the tiny things, smaller than a baby finger, would be deep fat fried and handed out on Booze-cruises. The kapenta boats went out at night on a dodgy platform. The crew, normally two, would lower a large, about five meter cross round net into the water. Two lamps run by a generator would be placed above it. The sardines would come and have a look, and when enough had gathered, up came the net. However, the light also attracts bugs – billions of them. The poor blokes would be bitten half dead.
Kariba wood. When the lake was created, millions of trees died and became petrefied. When the lake is low, thousands of the eerily trees sprout up all over the place. It is great for bream fishing. You also loose a lot of hooks and tracer when trolling for Tiger, as they get constantly snagged.
