ZIMBABWE INDEPENDENCE DAY

ZIMBABWE INDEPENDENCE DAY

Greetings Comrades,

As you all know, today is a very special day. I have been the big Boss of Zimbabwe for 27 years! It has not been easy I am telling you, so listen bloody hard or there will be trouble. Those whites stuck too the land like shit on a shovel, but I scraped it clean and now we have plenty land for everyone. No one knows what to do with it but that is not my bloody problem, but I place the blame firmly on that gay gangster Blair.

When Bob Marley sang for me on that first day we were free to begin starving ourselves, I wept. I have invited the Beatles to sing at this years celebrations and John Lennon has even rewritten a famous song of theirs especially for today.

So, Comrades, sing along with me…

Bob Mugabe’s Ruined Zimbabwe Land

Well it was 27 years ago today,

Bob Mugabe made Rhodesia go away,

Zanu (PF) been going in and out of style,

But there guaranteed to torture and smile,

So may I introduce to you,

The act you've known for all these years,

Bob Mugabe’s ruined Zimbabwe land!

Its Bob Mugabe’s ruined Zimbabwe land, we hope you will enjoy the show,

Its Bob Mugabe’s ruined Zimbabwe land, sit back and let everything go,

Its Bob Mugabe’s ruined, Bob Mugabe’s ruined,

Bob Mugabe’s ruined Zimbabwe land!

Its insane to be here,

The place makes you ill,

You're such a lovely protester we'd like to beat you very hard, we'd love to beat you hard!

I don't really wanna stop the show,

But I thought you might like to know,

That the starving gonna sing a song,

And they would like you all to sing along,

So may I introduce to you,

The one an only Bono and Geldorf show,

And Bob Mugabe’s ruined Zimbabwe land!

Here is a picture of me with my good friend with the unpronounceable name, congratulating me on hanging onto power for so long. I will be giving him a few tips, along with several tons of uranium we just found in the Zambezi valley.

Yours truly,

President Bob Mugabe.

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MEANWHILE: back in the real world…

There's little that will sparkle today as Zimbabweans reflect on almost
three decades of one-party rule.

The widespread, grinding poverty means that only one in five adults is
gainfully employed. One in four children has been orphaned as a result of
the economic crisis that has forced families apart as millions seek work
abroad. One in four adults has HIV/Aids. One in three pupils will have
dropped out of the school system by the end of next term, due to escalating
school fees. Only a very few can afford to keep their heads above water with
inflation at 1700%, and rising.

PRESIDENT Robert Mugabe has decided to revoke the licences of all aid groups in the run-up to next year's elections.