Hallo and Welcome to the Red Nose Mugabe Show

Yes, Comic Relieve (you of money) week is back, my favourite time of the year; when just for a laugh, all you idiots send me money, so I can keep you entertained all year and next year and next year and every year - for ever!

Here are some of my new jokes for this year. Remember to laugh very loud and clap or my boys will give you a severe clap and I will be laughing very loud.

In Zimbabwe, we have reduced our carbon emissions by 95% in six years. That’s because only me and my boys are having a gas…hah hah – get it, gas = petrol..lol

Last week, Clever Ncube, became the first person to win our own televised Who Wants to be a Millionaire? He got mugged on the way out of the studios and the perpetrators stole the suitcase with the winnings - after emptying it…hah hah hah

Michael Jackson phoned me yesterday. He wanted to buy a farm. I told him we don’t sell farms to white people…hah hah hah. (laugh louder, or my boys come with the truncheons)

Last week I went to Ghana’s 50^th Anniversary celebrations. My wife donated $2000 US dollars. To get that money my boys beat 30,000 people centless…hah hah hah..get it…senseless..lol.

If you shout obscenities at the Jewish Zionist state loud enough, they give you great discount on water cannons. Mazeltov…hah hah.

All of our mines are at full capacity – filled to the brim with dead protesters…hah hah hah. (I want to hear more clapping or you better run to England quick, before my boys catch you.)

15 people on their way too my birthday celebrations in a donkey drawn cart never made it. At a road block, the police ate the donkey….hah hah hah..ahh, that one is just too funny.

I have just ordered another 200 cupboards for my bedroom. I’m planning on putting some more skeletons in them this year. (laugh louder or you become one of them)

When our teachers went on strike, by the time they settled, the rise was worth only half of what they demanded…and they call themselves teachers? Hah hah hah.

Climate change in Zimbabwe is a big joke – if it rains, we have no food. If it doesn’t rain, we have no food…so bring a packed lunch.

A man came up to me the other day. He says ’Uncle Bob, can you tell me why the banknotes are useless as toilet paper?’ I said to him ‘but it’s better than the toilet paper Smith gave us when we were in his prisons.’ He say, ‘but at least we had toilet paper, now they have none in the cells.’ I told him ‘they don’t need paper now. My boys beat the shit out of them before they get thrown in the cells.’ Hah hah hah (Just like they come and beat you and set your house on fire if don’t start clapping louder you white maggots.)

Tony Blair phone me yesterday. He said ‘ Honourable President Robert Gabriel Mugabe, liberaliser of Africa, passionate defender of human rights, blah blah blah,’ I tell him ‘Hey Tony, what you bloody want, you gay gangster, I am a busy man, I have a nation to ruin.’ This Bliar then has the cheek to ask me for a job! I tell him we got enough Blairs in the country and they all full of shit.’ Hah hah hah…get it, huh, HUH? Blair = name of portable toilet here in Zimbabwe…hah hah hah. That one is my favourite one at the moment.

How am I doing so far? I hope you are all phoning in and raising plenty of money for me. Hah hah, my wife said to me today, ‘Bob, I am really worried about all this money coming in.’ I was shocked, I said ‘why my precious?’ She says to me, ‘I am running out of things to buy!’ Aah, I laughed at that one myself a lot. She is a very funny girl you know. That white maggot Nick von Hogstreet or something like that, is sniffing around her a lot and mumbling at the ten million pounds he lent me needing paying back. I don’t trust that mad man. I think my boys must have a chat with him…hah hah hah.

To solve the problem of all those female students stealing the red bulbs from the traffic lights to put in their rooms to attract some extra money for tuition fees and food – the council has approved to replace them with green ones…hah hah hah…they are so stupid, they don’t know my chauffer is colour blind…hah hah hah

So comrades, dig deep in your pockets and support this worthy cause. I highly recommend this link:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;jsessionid=UQ2RJV3CULVGBQFIQMGCFFWAVCBQUIV0?xml=/opinion/2007/03/11/do1101.xml