Friday, June 13, 2014

The Legend of the Gokwe Kid and the Witchdoctor.

A story for children 8-12 years of age.

Now, gather around the camp fire children for Uncle Karl will tell you a nice goodnight story.

Once upon a time, deep in the bush of the badlands of Gokwe, the great Kid was on another goddamn patrol. Feeling a tad dizzy from a stinking hot yellow ball cooking his head, he heard a right ruckus coming from a patch of dry elephant grass.

Such a screaming and roaring did pound his ears in time with his boiling blood and mindful of his police pledge to help the innocent, he rushed over to the scene. What a sight to behold, for lo, a big black mane lion was having a merry old time chewing off the leg of a witchdoctor. The poor old man was howling a ballyhoo fit to burst a gut.

Now the Kid was in a bit of a pickle and as he watched the grey soil change colour into a deep shade of red, suitable to grow great mealies, he scratched at his sweaty, itchy hole in a desperate bid to switch his brain on. You see, there could be evil gooks lurking around and filling the lion with hot lead could alert them to his presence. Not only that, he might miss and accidentally kill the man and get charged for murder!

“Bass, Bass, pliss hilp me pliss,” the terribly injured man pleaded in barely comprehensible English, as his uninjured leg thrashed about looking for a bucket to kick.

“Never fear, Shamwari, for the Kid is here, I will save you,” he explained and placed his trusty rusty bayonet on the end of his FN assault rifle.

Grabbing the giant pussy cat’s tail, he lifted it up to expose his target and with one arm, powered by adrenalin, neatly freed the lion's sweetbreads from its body. Well, as you can imagine, that took the now enraged beast by surprise and with bulging eyeballs released the witchdoctor’s leg and throwing its huge head back, let out a mighty roar... Except it sounded more like a bog standard moggy ally cat tom, down at the vets and getting neutered without anaesthetic.

It was of a such high decibel range that the Kid's sunglasses were shattered. Half blind and realising that the lion would soon conclude it wouldn't be doing much cub making anymore, and decide on revenge, he thrust with all his strength the bayonet all the way up to the magazine in the lion's brown eye – killing it instantly.

Quickly finding his first aid kit, the Kid found his spare shoelaces and in a jiffy had stopped the
witchdoctor’s bleeding.

“Dank U Baas, dank U. I great witchdoctor and grant you one wish for safing me.”

The exhausted Kid collapsed and without thinking - “I want a 12 inch penis.”

And so children, as the picture shows, the Kid didn't quite get what he wanted but he still has it and shows it off now and then. The End. Any questions?

“Yes,” said a little girl of ten, “this is so cute, I want one also.”

“I'm afraid you will have to wait till your at least 16.”

“How did you get your rifle out the lion?” asked an observant 9 year old boy.

“That is a very sticky question because rigor mortis had set in. So throwing caution to the wind, the Kid emptied the entire magazine, blasting the lion's head all over the trees and then, after removing the magazine, thrust his arm down its exposed throat, and pulled the rifle out, lock, stock and smoking barrel.”

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