Friday, September 27, 2013

Motor mouths and Mielies

Check this – check this!

(You must wait a bit for the Vienna story. Meanwhile…)

So another day in paradise starts. Just for a change I got my ass in gear and decided to clean up. Gawd, I feel exhausted! Besides doing the washing up, I vacuumed the place and even mopped the floor! I am a very tired Sixpence.

Meanwhile – a fat envelope has arrived. Let’s take a looky peeps inside.

‘Sehr geheehrter Herr Greenberg,’ (that’s me)

You are fired and get your useless bum out of our flat within 7 days otherwise you will be put against the wall and shot.

Nah, not really. They gave me 8 days…tra-la-la.

No, actually it is a load of paper work to do with my teeth. It is from the AOK, which is sort of like the British NHS but better at thieving the gold fillings in your mouth. Well, looky here. Plan one they gonna cough up – a cool 450 Euros. Not bad; that is more than I earn in a month. Plan B is a little bit more dodgy. (I grant the Germans this, all this paper work arrives in just about a week!)

Well, they want to know the inside and outsides of my wallet. I thought of posting it, but I guessed they wouldn’t get the joke. That means a trip down to the ‘Firm’ on Monday to get that nice lady who does all the wages to fill in the forms, make loads of copies etc etc. Then post it off (they can do that, saves me two Euros), and await the outcome.

Meanwhile… as I am unhappily cleaning away, I hear a strange noise. And, no, it wasn’t from my fridge. This din penetrated my ears above the screams of my cheap Chinese vacuum cleaner and the bellowing of Bruce Springfield’s ‘Born to do a Runner’.

Going off on a tangent – lateral thinking – English is an amazing language. Pure garbage. I mean, how else do your hear but through your ear. Can you hear through your eye? Actually, I did once when a very naughty black boy scout punched me in my left eye and I did hear a rather loud bang in my head.)

Where was I? Oh, so there is noise. I look out my window and watch with intense boredom some farmers hacking up the mielie field. (Maize plants for non-Rhodesians.) I have watched them grow. Nothing much else to do here than hang your head out the window and watch mielies grow. What a life. I suppose it is more exciting than watching concrete set underwater.

I thought they were shit mielies. Scraggy sort of things. Not even baboons would be interested in them. All around here they plant the things. I was curious, so asked my partner (from work) what was the point. Well, it seems that it is either cattle feed, refugee feed or bio-fuel. But, the Germans don’t mess about with Sixpences and slashers. Nah. They simply shove two million Euros of machines on ten hectares and chew it up in less time it took to write this.!

Now I have a busy schedule and wrote it all down.

1. Wake up, it is Friday morning – check. (WTF - what happened to Thursday?)
2. Stagger around trying to find the toilet – check
3. Urinate whilst realising in your blurry mind the kettle is on and is boiling away – check
4. Make coffee and whilst supping it contemplate the pain of cleaning up – check
5. Clean up whilst moaning a lot – check
6. Write some rubbish for The Gokwe Kid fans  - check (Remind myself to kick some cheeky babes up their bums.)
7. Write a review for Bruce – not checked yet
8. Write a blog posting about the trip to Vienna – not checked yet
9. Reply to Step-Mum in Zimbabwe. Hmm. ‘Hi Mum, thanks for your Email. I am glad you are fine. I am not well in the head but will feel better once I am dead. Lots of love.’ (Or maybe not. Leave unchecked…)
10. Wander into bathroom and look in mirror. Remove and replace with a picture of me aged 23 and looking drop dead gorgeous – check

So that should keep me busy for a bit and…what is that terrible noise? This time it is coming from the fridge. I could murder those little bastards and suck the life juice out of them…

(This little bit of nonsense is dedicated as an apology to Alex Woods. I had no right to have a pop just because he called me a big headed git. He was correct.)

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