Monday, September 09, 2013

Dragon’s Den – Made in Rhodesia

Dragon’s Den – Made in Rhodesia

Dragon’s Den is a well loved TV programme. It is about total losers pitching their ideas to a bunch of tax avoiding arrogant bastards. The idea is that if they think you are not a total tosser, they will give you a few quid, steal your whatever and recommend a local bridge popular by bums to sleep under.

I have my own idea. I think it is a winner. However, because I am a natural born rebel without a cause and a home grown socialist anarchist – I give this idea away for free.

I do this because if I was to try and present it myself… the usual would happen. I would be beaten up and thrown out the country.

So I decided to write it down and let a Rhodesian entrepreneur do it for me. I only want 10% of any profits and nothing at all if it all goes tits up.

Being a former Boy Scout (before I left in disgrace), I like to believe I am always prepared. With that in mind, I constructed in my mind, how the interview would go –


Hi, tax avoiding arrogant tossers, my name is fame, so remember it. I am here to propose the greatest invention since the word was..erm…invented?
It is called the ‘Rhodesian Anti-Enter click block drunken thingy-me-jig.’ I am still working on the exact name. but that is a minor detail.

I have here in my hand the key to everyone’s problem, even if they did not know they had one. It is a CD RW with a minus dash after it. Why a minus dash? Because if it had a plus sign, my computer no longer computes.

As you will see, there is nothing on it. It is just a piece of plastic I bought from ALDI on special offer. It is blank. It has neither been burnt nor looked at digitally. But, now here is the crunch, if you lot like my idea, you get some of your gooks, er geeks, whatever, to put dashes and dots on it and then it will be installed in every computer in the world. And, quoting the great late Tommy Cooper who died live on stage (is that an oxymoron or just a dead magician?) – ‘Just like that.’

Now here is the genius of it all. It works a bit like - you know when you write something and it says ‘Save or discard’, etc but THIS is connected to your eMails and all the social websites like Fakebook and StinkIn and stuff. And the warning sign says  ‘From your incoherent rambling and spelling mistakes we will refuse to allow you to send unless you use the tube to prove otherwise’.

Okay, that is a bit longwinded - but I am working on that. Anyway. See this. This, in my other hand, is a 50cm piece of old garden pipe. I cut it off from my neighbour’s hose because I did not want the expense of buying 20 meters of the stuff. You will notice that both ends have a hole. It is your job to work out how to turn one end into a universal butt slot. Or USB as I think they are known as.

All very logical - you blow down the pipe and the clever software says ‘No, try again when you wake up.’ and that is that! So seemples.  

And badly quoting the great Sixto Rodriguez – ‘Thanks for your time and I thank you for mine and after that – forget it.’

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