Tuesday, September 03, 2013

An insane precursory guide on writing fiction.

Good news and bad news. The good news I am working tomorrow. The bad news is that I must yet again have to mess about in some damp, cold Bavarian forest, dodging adders, wolves and mountain bears. Which, of course, is a load of crock. The only thing you dodge are nestles and the only life sign is some fancy tarts taking their Gee-Gees for a trot.

They are always polite – saying ‘GrussGott’, which is Bavarian for ‘Greet God’ (what a bloody daft way to greet a non-believer), and they go off giggling and talking amongst themselves about how nice it is to have such peasants as myself to keep their forests clean.

Me thinks – I have just finished my final exam for a BA with Honours (2.1 Upper) and you can kiss my ass because no matter how well you polish your Gee-Gees rear end, it will land up in a dodgy lasagne, and with luck you will eventually be eating it in some dodgy Italian restaurant run by Poles.

Neigh (Nay?), how can I be so cruel? That is easy. What is not so easy is suddenly finding out that rewriting fiction is one hell of a story. (Ooh, that was clever-clever.)

At least, when I wrote my memoirs - I had undeniable restrictions. History, facts and bullshit. Now I have presented myself with bullshit, some history and f all facts! Eish.

In this game, there are no rules. You have goodies and baddies. You ever read a book where every one is a goodie.? Louisa May Alcott’s ‘Little Women’ almost achieved that accolade before I set it on fire.

‘American Physco’ by Bret Easton Ellis, nearly achieved the opposite before I had this deranged idea to find the author, send him into limbo to have great sex with Louisa using a German made Skill, petrol powered chain saw. Serves them both right.

They were made for each other. Can you imagine their co-written love thriller - ‘Fifty shades of girls as mincemeat.’ And then – a copy given away with every MacDonald’s questionable horse burgers.

Sure beats Gideon’s bible supplied at Holiday Inn.

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