Wednesday, December 17, 2008

MYC4 - Save Africa : Buy It!

MYC4 - Dragons’ Den : Africa style.

Here is a good idea as far as Xmas presents are concerned. Remember all those years when you told your partner,

‘Darling, instead of the new car you wanted, I gave four k to some smelly long haired Irishman who has the used the money to create double as many starving people in Ethiopia over the last two decades instead.'

Your partner would have smiled and replied,

‘How great minds think alike, my dear. I just maxed-out your credit card on a thousand bootleg Chinese DVDs of Fool’s Aid, Dead in the Congo, you know, that favourite of yours where some Irishman, with a bone in his nose… or was it with a boner, can’t remember; but something about bones - claps his hands above his head and says “every time I do this, a child dies in Africa”.’

Then you laugh, and say

‘Hah, hah, and each time I watch it, I shout out, stop fucking clapping then.’


So what can you give as a present? Something that makes you feel really clever and gets you brownie points for the pearly gates? I came across this in the Times

It is all about having a bit of your own Black entrepreneur. MYC4 stands for something or somebody you care for. Like yourself for instance. "C4" is also the name of a plastic explosive – a metaphor for the potential which lies in African entrepreneurship waiting to be triggered, although I find that bit open to some ridicule from brain-dead right-wingers. The idea has eliminated the need to buy Black people from the Arabs and get them to pick cotton and, the constant desire to vomit in the African begging bowl that is passed around every Christmas. Plus, for some people, it would be nice to have some Black people working hard for them again, just like the good old days!

Now I can walk around and announce that I have an investment in –

MGTV MOVIE GEN TRADING - Electronics Shop in Kigali, Rwanda, owned by Mr. Kamali. He has been running this business for the last 8 years from 2000. He has sound experience in the business. He is married with 6 dependents.

The business is run by his wife, (thank goodness for that!) while Kamali goes out to look for more business outside.

Why Rwanda, you may ask? I have a soft spot for the place when I got stuck there in the ‘80s for two weeks, got scammed for US100 and nearly died. Long story for another time but to suffice to say the scammers were Germans and my near death was due to eating an entire locally grown chilli that almost stopped my heart.

Another firm that I definitely also have a stake in is in Kenya

Apiary Ventures Enterprises(2)

Beehive Making

Anne has been running the business since 2007 and has been able to lead the business to a very heighten growth due to her management expertise and capacity to build good client relationships. She has been able to meet customers' demands but demand has been increasing at a fast rate. With the loan, Anne will be able to finish her projects by purchasing raw materials in bulk which will increase her profit margins to about 20%.

Cool-Beans, Hey! So soon lots of happy buzzing bees will make happy honey to be exported on CO2 gushing jet planes for White wimps to mix with their Scotch when they have a ruuny nose. I can’t lose, what a buzz.

It doesn’t take long when you look at the web site that this is the best thing to happen to Africa since Livingstone created the original recipe for missionary soup. Can you actually make a good return from your investment without actually going down there as the ‘Return of the Great White Bwana’, complete with stick and whip?

I think small amounts lent at low interest rates will return next too nothing after exchange rates, various charges (rather low), and worst of all, if you transfer the money via credit card, those VISA fuckers are very cute. Talk about taking their pound of flesh.

Investing as a gift appears to be rather long winded. I thought that after joining I could have the option of putting the required legal name for later returns of money to my girlfriend, but this is not the case. What I had to do was use her eMail address to join, and then my credit card to buy a share.

Say for example, I have five people I want to make an investment as a Xmas Pressie. Let’s pretend –

My mother is Jewish and would be delighted to gab to all who can be bothered to listen at the local bridge club,

'I haaaaav a faaaaaaaaaaaam in Afrikaaa and I am getting 12.5% p/a on my investment!’

Job done. Me son number 1 again. The fact she only got twenty Euros in the venture that would barely support a chicken, is beside the point. She won’t tell them that.

Then the girlfriend is a nutritionist. She can be pleased that she is helping someone build cages for apes that make honey. How cool is that? She will be busy as bee telling people it is such a buzz.

Sister is a complete celeb addict so she can slag her mates off by telling them that her brother bought her a clothes designer in Kenya.

Younger brother is a totally brain-dead skinhead, who tells his binge drunken mates that

‘Kicking a few Manchester United Fans’ heads in is nothing compared to what I got from Santa’s Claws. My big brother bought me part of an Agro Distributer in Uganda and he gonna pay me for the job.’

That leaves Uncle Fred, the alcoholic. He wants tell everyone he owns a brewery in Zimbabwe, but sadly that will have to wait.

When looking at the various investment opportunities, I would use some caution. For example, pumping money into an Internet Café in downtown Dar-Es Salaam sounds real cool, till it turns out to be a vipers’ nest of Al Quida boys doing their hacking heads off picture gallery updates. Next thing you know, the local force is pumping shot gun rounds through you as a suspected terrorist backer.

Zambian butchers are also very dodgy

(Scroll down this blog for the exclusive YouTube)

So stay away from that kind of business.

Now this one –

Okello Bernard, wants money for a …Drug shop in Uganda! How about that? Nothing like saying at the farewell banker’s party

‘Hah, do I care? Do I look bovered? I just injected a cool dose of dosh in a drug company, I will be flying again soon.’

Is my money safe? What happens if my firm goes tits up? Who cares? This is all part of a secret plan. You see, if this project eventually gets into Zimbabwe, all the Rhodesians can BUY enough shares to land up owning the place and get interest at the same time. Now, that is what I call proper economics.

Still, I do get a nice Xmassy type feeling seeing my name amongst the other investors on the internet. Ho Ho Ho.

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