Monday, February 04, 2008

The Good and the Bad of Kenyans going Mad.

U.N. observers in their department which cover African genocide and wasting money on silly projects, report that machete deaths are lower than expected due to the use of Chinese Imports. Observers flown out to the troubled area, first class, met several of the peace loving tribes embroiled in what looked like post-colonial extended birthing pains.

A senior spokesman for the N’Bonga Slashers tribe, Innocent M’Killa, was quoted to tell them

‘The Chinky shit is useless. Very cheap but the blade is poor metal and the plastic handles snap whilst hacking legs off.’

He went on to demonstrate by striking one of the photographers on the head. Whilst it made an impressive slash, it failed to pass through the skull and the machete had a noticeable warping in the poor quality blade. Innocent M’Killa went on

‘See, he not dead. In the old days, when we were Mau-Mau and hack legs of White farmers’ wives off, we had locally made blades by Lewis Cohen and Brothers of Nairobi, but after we kick the colonial oppressors out, the firm moved to Israel. When we take over from this corrupt government, we will get them to come back. We will bribe them if necessary.’

Meanwhile, the animals in the national parks are grateful for the sudden drop in tourists arriving to gawk at them. Gono the Gnu explained that it is was pure hell being in the industry.

‘Every morning and early evening, the air is thick with dust as hundreds of mini-buses drive around full of bug-eyed charter tourists, with cheap cameras. Worse is when they entrap us. I lost my Auntie last year. The drivers work together and create a trap with some of us stuck in a circle of mini-busses with a pride of lions! It is worse than gladiators in the coliseum!'

The damage to the second highest industry supplying valuable foreign currency (the first is aid, but that mysteriously disappears to Switzerland), was more than apparent in Mombassa. Gigolos on Diani beach are complaining that the lack of overweight, middle-aged frustrated white women to service is giving them serious concern. Their spokesman, MaBigDik, said

‘I would have maybe 40-50 of da bitches a month, but now I am being forced to keep fit by fucking the monkeys and I am worried I might catch some bad disease.’

Sadly for Kenya, world interest to their problems have now been diverted to Chad, where the locals are hell bent on doing what they do best – run around killing people in the name of whatever. This is amazing when you consider that the possible next President of the USA was fathered by a man who once owned a goat in a Kenyan village.


When I read about the latest shenanigans in Chad, I was struck by some déjà vu. Okay, when it comes to Africa, they got more coup d'é·tat or take-overs etc., than we have tax increases, but I was sure I read recently about such an event that had me in tears; it was so tragic. After much searching, I found it and reproduce it in its entirety.

Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia


Only hours after assuming control of the deeply troubled country in a bloody coup, members of the United Deliverance Front admitted Monday that they might have made a "huge mistake" by seizing power in Zambia.

After months of combat, the United Deliverance Front has this morning taken command of one of Africa's most beleaguered nations, installing itself as the supreme ruler over 11 million desperate, ailing, and angry citizens," UDF leader and new head of state Uwimana Kowrt said. "Dear Jesus, what the hell were we thinking?"

According to Kowry, who claimed that plans to overthrow the ruling administration "made sense at the time," celebration was cut short Monday morning when the victorious rebels realized that they were now in charge of a country crippled by drought and widespread food shortages.

"For years, we watched our beloved homeland suffer from strife and infirmity, knowing that something drastic had to be done," UDF second-in-command Ngoube Mtumbe said. "Why we decided that that something was to take over this godforsaken graveyard of a country instead of just getting the fuck out, I'll never know."

"We did not sign up for this," he added. "Seven-hundred-thousand AIDS orphans? Come on!"

Mtumbe, a UDF fighter with over 14 years of demolitions experience and nearly three hours of administrative practice, said that members of the rebellion were so caught up in the bloodthirsty struggle for power that they lost sight of what it would mean to be in power in a country as terrible as Zambia.

The fact that there wasn't a single standing railroad bridge, power station, or radio tower for us to destroy should have been a pretty clear sign that Zambia wasn't exactly the most stable of places," Mtumbe said. "Our supposed capitol building doesn't even have a front door, for crying out loud."

Mtumbe, who was trying to figure out what paperwork was necessary to declare a national state of emergency, said he was still kicking himself for killing countless U.N. peacekeepers well-acquainted with the complicated relief process, and for decapitating the Minister of Transportation, who was "obviously in that position for a reason."

The mood among UDF soldiers quickly worsened when they realized it was up to them to pick up the pieces after a very recent and destructive uprising.

"And to think we were so proud to catch government forces in [the city of] Harbel by surprise," UDF General Gahiji Boshoso said. "Those lucky bastards were probably just as relieved as they were shocked that anyone would want to be in charge of such a nightmarish wasteland. Even parts of Nigeria are better than this, and that's one of the worst countries on earth."

Added Boshoso: "Would it have killed us to take over Estonia instead—you know, a country with running water?"

Though the group went to the trouble of training an army of largely underage soldiers, purchasing military weapons on the black market, and steeling themselves for atrocities of war, many said they would never have gone through with the final assault had they realized just how dire the situation in Zambia was.

"After losing so many friends and family members, and ruthlessly slitting the throats of more innocent civilians than I can count, I expected my reward to be a little sweeter than this," said Kowry, who claimed that he wished dealing with the World Bank Food Program was as simple as assassinating former ruling-party loyalists. "None of the blood that covered our streets nor the carnage that choked our cities could have even remotely prepared us for these pathetic annual GDP figures."

"Frankly, we're amazed there was even a president to overthrow in the first place," he added. "All we can hope for now is that another band of utterly naïve rebels comes along to put us out of our misery."

Source – The Onion

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My dear fellow, the machetes used in the Mau Mau troubles were made in Sheffield by the Cutlers to King George of England and Emperor of India. They used to sell for 2/-. Louis Cohen was the fine purveyor of these goods.