Friday, February 22, 2008

Friends, Countrymen and Fellow morons – lend me your beers!

I should be concentrating on proper things but just don’t seem able to at the moment. I am being constantly harassed by people with demands that unless I pull my finger out, I will be going nowhere. I find this rather strange because I hadn’t intended going anywhere anyway! I don’t actually have my finger up my arse; it’s up my right nostril! This is a very African tradition and is still used today whenever someone is confronted with a tricky question, such as

‘Why have you run over the cat with the lawn mower?’

Rather than tell the truth, the person questioned would place a finger in a nostril, gaze into the sky, and say,


in a sort of tone suggesting neither an answer nor an explanation. At this point the questioner would normally give up.

This is all beside the point. In an effort to expand my mind in a more academic approach than through tins of Carlsberg lager, I have signed onto another Open University course. It is called An Introduction to the Humanities. I realised I was in for trouble when I saw the mountain of stuff I am supposed to read, digest, comprehend and regurgitate in such a way as to prove I have some vague inkling what it is all about. I promptly had panic attacks and spent several mornings vomiting in the wash basin before I plucked up the courage to have a peep.

First bit is about art. Well, paintings actually. The idea is that I will learn to appreciate the difference between a painting costing £2 in a charity shop or one from Christies costing £2 million. Actually I always knew the answer to that one. It’s very simple. The £2 picture is the one you bought because you liked it and the £2 million one is the one you bought (presuming you have that amount of money lying around), because other people like it.

Well I had to look at a colour plate of a painting by Picasso and presuming that I have understood the course material so far, I could give a very good analysis of it.

The particular painting is called Girl in a Chemise. Amazingly, it turns out the thing is hanging up in the Tate Gallery in London, and entry was free! Perfect, so as I happened to be in London for a short visit to catch up on some serious drinking with a few pals, I zipped off to the place. Quite an experience I tell you. I got out at London Bridge underground and was thoroughly lost within seconds, but a kind chap showed me the way and because it turned out he had been born in South Africa I rewarded him with a pinch of the Piri-Piri biltong I had purchased at said underground for an astronomical price.

I hadn’t been around that part of town for a while and although the weather wasn’t actually at its finest, the sights are rather awesome. HMS Belfast, London bridge (the one the stupid Yanks thought they had bought), Millennium bridge (now no longer swaying), St Paul’s, Sir Francis Drake’s Golden Hind; it was just so cool! The Tate Modern is huge and I was rapidly running out of time. So I dashed up to the right floor, found the painting and stood there looking at it and attempted to draw up all my newly learnt skills. Now, as you might have noticed, I have put a picture of this painting at the top of this posting. Maybe take another good look, because guess what? My first reaction, which had me start to break down in hysterical giggles was this…

Amazing, Picasso was the first person to draw Beavis! In 1905! Sigh, I think I am really going to struggle on this course. Before having to dash, I had a look at the crack in ground floor. There must be some serious subsiding to get a crack that big! I don’t know why they haven’t filled it in yet because it is rather dangerous with all the people walking around!

Trying to find the nearest underground, I wandered over the Millennium Bridge, and turned left down Queen Victoria street. I suddenly had this urge to drop a coil and luckily for me there was a public toilet nearby. Sadly it is not very clean; in fact, the place was full of shit! I was forced to find a clear spot in the entrance hall. I took a photo of the front door, so anyone coming to London can be aware of the filthy place!

To wrap up today’s silly posting, I have been occasionally trying to help out my pal Rob who is doing his best to save the planet via Facebook with his Eco-Brigade. Members are signing up fast and furious with almost 1100 people joined but not many of them really having a clue what it is all about! That includes me, but never mind, any contribution that might help us from self extinction just has to be good.

I thought up this novel idea...

Here is a new and really sharp tip on how to save our planet. You do of course realise there are two ways to do this. The passive way, such as wiping your bum with recycled newspapers or the aggressive way, one of which is today’s example. We all hate the Japanese for slaughtering whales in the name of research, so why don’t we do the same! Spearing any old Jap won’t do the trick, you have to go for the rarer species; such as diplomats. All you need is a spear, a sharp fish filleting knife and a large placard displaying - ‘I am now cutting his innards out to scientifically examine them.’ Then simply spear one as it comes out of the embassy for a quick fag and as it flops, pumping blood all over the pavement, start opening him up with the knife whilst waving the placard about and shouting, ‘I do this for the embitterment of mankind’s knowledge of what makes a Japsy tick’.

Next week we will talk about whether foxes should wear fur coats.

Friday, February 15, 2008

I didn’t make this up – it’s impossible!


Zimbabwe is now producing headlines that are definitely stranger than fiction.

Reading through the last few days of the reports posted on the website www.zimbabwesituation, you get a feeling that it would be impossible to make the stuff up.

We have riots in church as a disposed bishop aligned to Mugabe refused to be deposed and used ‘bully boys’ to beat up the congregation –

The Anglican Church in Zimbabwe is beset by devilish behaviour, which has seen ousted Bishop Nolbert Kunonga barricade the cathedral and assault worshippers who do not support him.

All this has to do with money of course, but…
There are banks that have no money because they can’t afford to pick up the new notes from the Reserve bank, but know one is sure whether they have any either.

Because of inflation, now sort of between 68 and 150 thousand percent (snigger, how you get your head around this, I have no idea), they decide to print bigger notes, but because they got next to no ink or paper, there isn’t much of them around. Rumours are that there is a 10.000,000 (ten million) dollar note.

Zimbabwe has joined the crusade of doling out larger denominated
notes. The $10 million note, introduced last month, is the largest note, not
only in Africa but in the world, which analysts say is embarrassing.

In fact, money is so rare in Zimbabwe that one place you can get it is on EBay! For example, if you enter the item number 110222191472the seller informs you that he has –


Although the three notes have a street value of approximately 8 British pence, at the time of this posting, he will let you have them for £20.00!

Another chap, with the amazing name of robbybob (Robbing Bob Mugabe perhaps?) item number - 330210749162is selling one 750,000 note and has bids so far up to and over £10.

Hah hah hah, this is incredible! Only this could happen in Zimbabwe!


As you might have heard, there is suppose to be an election in March -

An unusually large number of newly-formed fringe political parties
have emerged since the beginning of the year, all promising to turn around
Zimbabwe’s fortunes once elected to power.

We have the United Democratic People’s Constitution (UDPC), Zimbabwe Integrated Party (ZIP), Voice of the People/Vox Populi (VP), the Zimbabwe Development Party (ZDP),
Progressive Anarchy Party (PAP), Let’s Party (LP) etc etc.

The latest on the scene is - I Have No Party (IHNP), which, as we have just learnt, is run by a stray cat called Simba Mukoni. He is a brave little pussy taking on his old Boss Rob Mugabe. Makoni has already been officially declared a ‘sellout’ by the ‘war veterans. In Africa that word, ‘sellout’ is normally a death sentence. I wonder how long it will take before the former politburo member accidentally stalls his car on a railway crossing.

There might not even be an election in March. Well, not until terms have been well hammered out. I.E. - the shit hammered out anyone who has even a hint of upsetting the apple cart. Of course, pointing out that there are no apples in Zimbabwe to put in a cart is just western propaganda.

Just in case there is an election, Bob has been handing out loads of presents to the top boys in the police and army.

Zimbabwe’s police chief Augustine Chihuri this week told senior
officers to back President Robert Mugabe reminding them the veteran leader
had given them farms, resources and other perks, authoritative sources told
According to our sources one officer, Nonkosi Ncube, who is in charge of police in Mashonaland East province, turned down a white truck she had been allocated insisting she preferred the truck black.
She was assured she would receive a car with the “right colour” next week
when middle-ranking police commanders would receive their vehicles.

Aah, such a crying shame, and on the same date of postings we have this –

The World Food Program has scaled up its operations in troubled Zimbabwe
amid a deepening food crisis that threatens 4 million people with hunger and
starvation, the UN aid agency says.

And I also found this…

Kelly David, head of the UN Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs (OCHA) in southern Africa, told IRIN.
"In Malawi, international partners are seeking about $17 million," OCHA
said, adding that flooding had hit 15 of the country's 28 districts,
affecting more than 152,000 people; over 700 cholera cases have been
reported so far and the situation would likely worsen in the coming weeks.
In Zambia $18.5 million was requested to assist 20,000 people, and in
Zimbabwe $15.8 million would be needed to help a further 15,000.”

No problemo, I am sure Bob Geldorf and Bono are writing out cheques this very moment!

Last but not least, they have had to open one of the sluice gates at Kariba to reduce the pressure. It will increase the flooding downstream, but I suppose it is better than the wall falling over. What amazed me was that they managed to scrape the power together to open it…

Monday, February 04, 2008

The Good and the Bad of Kenyans going Mad.

U.N. observers in their department which cover African genocide and wasting money on silly projects, report that machete deaths are lower than expected due to the use of Chinese Imports. Observers flown out to the troubled area, first class, met several of the peace loving tribes embroiled in what looked like post-colonial extended birthing pains.

A senior spokesman for the N’Bonga Slashers tribe, Innocent M’Killa, was quoted to tell them

‘The Chinky shit is useless. Very cheap but the blade is poor metal and the plastic handles snap whilst hacking legs off.’

He went on to demonstrate by striking one of the photographers on the head. Whilst it made an impressive slash, it failed to pass through the skull and the machete had a noticeable warping in the poor quality blade. Innocent M’Killa went on

‘See, he not dead. In the old days, when we were Mau-Mau and hack legs of White farmers’ wives off, we had locally made blades by Lewis Cohen and Brothers of Nairobi, but after we kick the colonial oppressors out, the firm moved to Israel. When we take over from this corrupt government, we will get them to come back. We will bribe them if necessary.’

Meanwhile, the animals in the national parks are grateful for the sudden drop in tourists arriving to gawk at them. Gono the Gnu explained that it is was pure hell being in the industry.

‘Every morning and early evening, the air is thick with dust as hundreds of mini-buses drive around full of bug-eyed charter tourists, with cheap cameras. Worse is when they entrap us. I lost my Auntie last year. The drivers work together and create a trap with some of us stuck in a circle of mini-busses with a pride of lions! It is worse than gladiators in the coliseum!'

The damage to the second highest industry supplying valuable foreign currency (the first is aid, but that mysteriously disappears to Switzerland), was more than apparent in Mombassa. Gigolos on Diani beach are complaining that the lack of overweight, middle-aged frustrated white women to service is giving them serious concern. Their spokesman, MaBigDik, said

‘I would have maybe 40-50 of da bitches a month, but now I am being forced to keep fit by fucking the monkeys and I am worried I might catch some bad disease.’

Sadly for Kenya, world interest to their problems have now been diverted to Chad, where the locals are hell bent on doing what they do best – run around killing people in the name of whatever. This is amazing when you consider that the possible next President of the USA was fathered by a man who once owned a goat in a Kenyan village.


When I read about the latest shenanigans in Chad, I was struck by some déjà vu. Okay, when it comes to Africa, they got more coup d'é·tat or take-overs etc., than we have tax increases, but I was sure I read recently about such an event that had me in tears; it was so tragic. After much searching, I found it and reproduce it in its entirety.

Rebels Immediately Regret Seizing Power In Zambia


Only hours after assuming control of the deeply troubled country in a bloody coup, members of the United Deliverance Front admitted Monday that they might have made a "huge mistake" by seizing power in Zambia.

After months of combat, the United Deliverance Front has this morning taken command of one of Africa's most beleaguered nations, installing itself as the supreme ruler over 11 million desperate, ailing, and angry citizens," UDF leader and new head of state Uwimana Kowrt said. "Dear Jesus, what the hell were we thinking?"

According to Kowry, who claimed that plans to overthrow the ruling administration "made sense at the time," celebration was cut short Monday morning when the victorious rebels realized that they were now in charge of a country crippled by drought and widespread food shortages.

"For years, we watched our beloved homeland suffer from strife and infirmity, knowing that something drastic had to be done," UDF second-in-command Ngoube Mtumbe said. "Why we decided that that something was to take over this godforsaken graveyard of a country instead of just getting the fuck out, I'll never know."

"We did not sign up for this," he added. "Seven-hundred-thousand AIDS orphans? Come on!"

Mtumbe, a UDF fighter with over 14 years of demolitions experience and nearly three hours of administrative practice, said that members of the rebellion were so caught up in the bloodthirsty struggle for power that they lost sight of what it would mean to be in power in a country as terrible as Zambia.

The fact that there wasn't a single standing railroad bridge, power station, or radio tower for us to destroy should have been a pretty clear sign that Zambia wasn't exactly the most stable of places," Mtumbe said. "Our supposed capitol building doesn't even have a front door, for crying out loud."

Mtumbe, who was trying to figure out what paperwork was necessary to declare a national state of emergency, said he was still kicking himself for killing countless U.N. peacekeepers well-acquainted with the complicated relief process, and for decapitating the Minister of Transportation, who was "obviously in that position for a reason."

The mood among UDF soldiers quickly worsened when they realized it was up to them to pick up the pieces after a very recent and destructive uprising.

"And to think we were so proud to catch government forces in [the city of] Harbel by surprise," UDF General Gahiji Boshoso said. "Those lucky bastards were probably just as relieved as they were shocked that anyone would want to be in charge of such a nightmarish wasteland. Even parts of Nigeria are better than this, and that's one of the worst countries on earth."

Added Boshoso: "Would it have killed us to take over Estonia instead—you know, a country with running water?"

Though the group went to the trouble of training an army of largely underage soldiers, purchasing military weapons on the black market, and steeling themselves for atrocities of war, many said they would never have gone through with the final assault had they realized just how dire the situation in Zambia was.

"After losing so many friends and family members, and ruthlessly slitting the throats of more innocent civilians than I can count, I expected my reward to be a little sweeter than this," said Kowry, who claimed that he wished dealing with the World Bank Food Program was as simple as assassinating former ruling-party loyalists. "None of the blood that covered our streets nor the carnage that choked our cities could have even remotely prepared us for these pathetic annual GDP figures."

"Frankly, we're amazed there was even a president to overthrow in the first place," he added. "All we can hope for now is that another band of utterly naïve rebels comes along to put us out of our misery."

Source – The Onion