Friday, May 04, 2007

Anyone for Cricket?

I was puzzling over something I read the other day. The United Nations announced, that vehicle accident fatalities are second only to AIDS related deaths on our planet. (Starving to death and being shot-up by an AK 47 doesn’t count.)

So if the newspapers headlines are:

Aids Death Bus Driver Kills 75

Is this because 75 people caught Aids from him, or were they sitting on the bus when he drove over a cliff? Had the driver died because of an Aids related disease (like maybe his Aids weakened liver had exploded due to all the beer he was drinking at the time), and therefore lost control of the bus because he was dead? OR, was he just pissed and drove over the cliff and his blood splattered the survivors, who then all died from Aids?

Michael Schumacher, who is now a front man for the United Nations, Car Crash Aids Death Day campaign, was quoted in Germany’s most popular spread sheet Das Volk’s Scheisse as saying,

‘I had to give up F1racing because my fear of catching Aids after a fateful car crash scared the death out of me.’ He then went on to drive the message home, ‘Don’t Drive with Aids, You can kill someone badly.’

ZIMBABWE'S appalling road toll leaves more than 3 000 people a year dead,
often with dependents needing help, plus many thousand more injured and
disabled. Aids claims about the same amount but on a weekly basis…

A spokesman from the Ministry of Health, Dr, Juma said, ‘the government has worked increasingly hard to lower the death rate on the roads by not having any petrol. Most of these deaths are due to the British and American aid groups supplying fuel to the opposition to try and drive the legitimate government off-road.’

I just dunno, you would think the UN have enough problems to sort out without larking on about driving deaths. I haven’t noticed that the genocide in Dafur is due to thousands of unlicensed drunk drivers, in vehicles that are no longer road worthy, ploughing through entire villages.

The Cricket World Cup has finally ended. How long did it last? 47 weeks I think. For those who haven’t a clue what cricket is - it is a small insect that makes a lot of noise.

They play a game using a stick to hit a ball. A bit like baseball, but with a few changes. For example, the players from white ruled New Zealand are all blacks and the players from black ruled South Africa are nearly all white. Due to some obscure law introduced in that land, they now have to increase the amount of black in the team. That’s why they run around with all that make up on. If the face make-up is streaked with tears, it means they have just lost to Australia.

One team is called West Indies, but they don’t look like Indians, nor do they smoke West cigarettes.
The Irish team had only learnt to play cricket the weekend before the tournament started, but beat the Pakistani team. They all went home, less their coach, who couldn’t be with them because he had been murdered.
Oh, I forgot to say, America doesn’t play this game because the word, series, is missing in the cup.
Anyway- Zimbabwe played but they gave up after inflation ate into their innings so much, they couldn’t afford to bat.

England was also attending for a while. The team had great fun losing loads of matches and getting drunk every night. Should an Alien, as big as the Eiffel tower, land on Earth and decide he would just love to cook up a mixed race human stew, he would have boiled the English Team. They would have been the tenderest team because the only muscles they used in the tournament were their mouths, which constantly babbled out excuses for their uselessness.

The highlight of the English team effort, I was to hear on the radio. At the end of a news report on Radio 1, the presenter said

England has just started to play Australia and need to win if they expect to advance into the semi-final. They have got off to an excellent start by winning the toss!’

That was all they won and in revenge sacked their coach. Just like Mugabe, they blamed their pathetic effort on a white Zimbabwean.

But at least they didn’t murder him! (Yet.)

Talking about Mugabe – The Aussie team might not go on tour to Zimbabwe because it’s a bad place. Failure to comply would result in $US2 million in damages being paid to the governing body of cricket in Zimbabwe.
In this case, the fine would be paid directly in to the coffers of Mr
Mugabe, who chairs the Zimbabwe Cricket Union and acts as an informal
selector, refusing to allow his opponents to play on the team.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"ZIMBABWE'S appalling road toll leaves more than 3 000 people a year dead,
often with dependents needing help, plus many thousand more injured and
disabled. Aids claims about the same amount but on a weekly basis..."…

Moral of story: Don't fuck in your car.