Friday, April 27, 2007

ZIMBABWE : Ploughing Inflation Under

Zimbabwe has decided to correct some more colonial wrongs by reissuing the First Day Cover : Rhodesia 26th April 1968 15th World Ploughing Contest.

The word Rhodesia will be replaced with Zimbabwe. The stamps will then be presented in reverse order to better represent the enormous agricultural progress since the land thieving whites were kicked off to be replaced by their rightful owners.

The denominations will be also changed.

  1. Whiteman on tractor, Rhodesia 2 shillings and sixpence, will now be Zimbabwe $ 2,5 million.
  2. Steam powered tractor, Rhodesia 1 shilling, will now be Zimbabwe $10 million
  3. Ox and plough, Rhodesia 9 pence, will now be Zimbabwe $ 90 million
  4. Bush plough, Rhodesia 3 pence, will now be Zimbabwe $ 3 trillion

Concerns have been raised by the printers that the last stamp may have to be enlarged to the size of an A4 envelope to accommodate the necessary zeros.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Teeth, Hobbits and It’s The Economy, Stupid!

Apologies for not updating recently, but I have been very busy having another hole put into my head. This wasn’t the plan, but after all the agony, there was no ecstasy (unless you get a kick out of having needles squirting anaesthetic shoved half way into your brain), so it had to come out. Even after all the root canal surgery, it could not be saved. Yuck…I have got the little bastard in a plastic bag now, the one who has caused me so much misery these past few weeks. It is not a pretty sight. I thought I would take some pics of it and put them up here. You would see the thing riddled with holes and complete with a little bag of pus dangling between those funny bits which keep the molar imbedded in the skull. However, not wishing to put people off my Blog, I decided against it.

I will not put it under my pillow for the fairy either. Last time I did that, the fairy wanted to root my canal! Then he offered me ten pounds if I let him suck my toes! That little story will be told in LOTR (Last Of The Rhodesians),part two - presuming of course part one gets finished, before there is only one Rhodesian left to buy it.

Whilst on the London tube, on the way to see my Dentist (I went to school with him - showing off a bit here – his Daddy was Ian Smiths election campaign manager. Although, come to think of it, it couldn’t have been a hard job. All they had to do was print on the posters,
‘Vote for Smithy! OR hordes of marauding Commie Insurgents will steal your farms and rape your bank accounts!’), anyway, there I was reading one of the freebee newspapers and I came across a list of the top 10 best grossing films in the UK of all time.

AND – you will gasp in amazement, ALL three parts of my memoirs are in there! I couldn’t believe it. I haven’t finished writing part one yet, but some bloke called Jackson has filmed the lot and not even given me any credit at all! I was also a little suspicious of the plot. In his version of LOTR, Robert Sauron Mugabe loses to Ian Gandalf Smith with the help of the Selous Hobbit Scouts. Then King Arrogant (that is presumably me), shacks up with some skinny bint who looks like Spok with long hair. When I get around to it, I will sue that Jackson fella, as soon as he makes another hit record because I read that he is penniless now. Something to do with little boys and toys….

The latest book about Rhodesia/Zimbabwe I am reading at the moment is quite interesting. It is written by Doris Lessing and is called, African Laughter, which is a bit odd, because I am already on page 128 and no one in the book is laughing and me on the outside isn’t either. This particular lady (it is well worth a look at her credentials,, was booted out by the government of Southern Rhodesia for being a Commie shit-stirrer. Now she returns to Zimbabwe in 1982 and makes her reflections and comments. Some of them are gems. Here is one from page 43.

In reply to her brother (he had never got on with her), who had pointed out that Mugabe surrounds himself with armed guards and travels in a huge protected motorcade –

‘You don’t think that there might be some connection between putting up security fences and white louts turning up to jeer and shout threats? You don’t think Mugabe goes around in a motorcade because you people would cut his throat as soon as look at him?’

Actually, the only thing Doris has wrong is that the word white should be replaced with black.
During another argument with her brother Harry, she makes this observation (page 48). You will love this one –

I said he talked as if the whites of Southern Rhodesia were all remarkable and valuable, but many were poor material from any point of view. When they were good they were very very good, skilful, adaptable, full of expertise, but the rest were limited, unintelligent, with that kind of complacency that can only go with stupidity. They would not easily get jobs any where else and the blacks were only too lucky to have got rid of them.

THANK YOU, thank you, Doris – at last I now know why my schoolmate is a highly successful Dentist, and I am a penniless bum. I always thought it was because I talked too much in class and messed about! Well, that’s what it says on my school reports. It just shows how kind my teachers were. They would rather write that, than tell my parents the truth –

This pupil is a classic example of thick as complacent white Rhodesian shit, of limited stupidity and come the revolution, he will not get a job.

Well, Independence Day has been and gone and Mad Bob Mugabe explained that all Zimbabwe’s woes are not his fault but are because of …blah blah blah (too boring to write the same shite ad nauseum again). BUT, I picked up this super little quote from the Industry minister Obert Mpofu. Visiting a Bulawayo factory last week he threw this pearl of analytical wisdom before us:

‘Prices are going up at an hourly rate. If this goes unchecked it will have a negative impact on our economy. At the rate at which things are going there will be no economy to talk of.’

That of course is good news. It would mean there is one less thing to moan about in Zimbabwe!

Some of my returning fans may have noticed a few changes. One has already moaned. She claims she has to turn off the favourite bar to see the Blog entirely. I have two suggestions that can help. Use Mozilla Firefox as the browser (it is a lot better than Internet Explorer), and purchase a widescreen. I hope otherwise that everyone else is pleased with the improvements and there will be more to come. If all goes well you will be able to download and print your own Zimbabwe money soon. This will make you instant millionaires!

Kidding aside, The Bearded Man (please see the link and buy his book, Without Honour, which is now out) is working on a really cool logo for me. I also hope to do some more funky chicken buttons on the links.

Catch ya laters, alligators:

Lore – Simply The Pest.

P.S. : 6 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
That’s what is on regarding the review by Robert Mugabe to Katie Price and Peter Andre’s CD. Lol…lol. It is still up there!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007



Greetings Comrades,

As you all know, today is a very special day. I have been the big Boss of Zimbabwe for 27 years! It has not been easy I am telling you, so listen bloody hard or there will be trouble. Those whites stuck too the land like shit on a shovel, but I scraped it clean and now we have plenty land for everyone. No one knows what to do with it but that is not my bloody problem, but I place the blame firmly on that gay gangster Blair.

When Bob Marley sang for me on that first day we were free to begin starving ourselves, I wept. I have invited the Beatles to sing at this years celebrations and John Lennon has even rewritten a famous song of theirs especially for today.

So, Comrades, sing along with me…

Bob Mugabe’s Ruined Zimbabwe Land

Well it was 27 years ago today,

Bob Mugabe made Rhodesia go away,

Zanu (PF) been going in and out of style,

But there guaranteed to torture and smile,

So may I introduce to you,

The act you've known for all these years,

Bob Mugabe’s ruined Zimbabwe land!

Its Bob Mugabe’s ruined Zimbabwe land, we hope you will enjoy the show,

Its Bob Mugabe’s ruined Zimbabwe land, sit back and let everything go,

Its Bob Mugabe’s ruined, Bob Mugabe’s ruined,

Bob Mugabe’s ruined Zimbabwe land!

Its insane to be here,

The place makes you ill,

You're such a lovely protester we'd like to beat you very hard, we'd love to beat you hard!

I don't really wanna stop the show,

But I thought you might like to know,

That the starving gonna sing a song,

And they would like you all to sing along,

So may I introduce to you,

The one an only Bono and Geldorf show,

And Bob Mugabe’s ruined Zimbabwe land!

Here is a picture of me with my good friend with the unpronounceable name, congratulating me on hanging onto power for so long. I will be giving him a few tips, along with several tons of uranium we just found in the Zambezi valley.

Yours truly,

President Bob Mugabe.


MEANWHILE: back in the real world…

There's little that will sparkle today as Zimbabweans reflect on almost
three decades of one-party rule.

The widespread, grinding poverty means that only one in five adults is
gainfully employed. One in four children has been orphaned as a result of
the economic crisis that has forced families apart as millions seek work
abroad. One in four adults has HIV/Aids. One in three pupils will have
dropped out of the school system by the end of next term, due to escalating
school fees. Only a very few can afford to keep their heads above water with
inflation at 1700%, and rising.

PRESIDENT Robert Mugabe has decided to revoke the licences of all aid groups in the run-up to next year's elections.

Monday, April 16, 2007

I Think My Heart Has Stopped!

I have spent hours and hours messing around with this Blog. I have achieved little. All I want is to get the borders smaller, so the middle bit is bigger. I played with something called HTML and some things called pixels (not to be mixed up with pixies, although I think I got plenty of the evil kind in my PC) and what happened?

I tell you what happened. My heart stopped beating for so long I thought I had died and gone to Zimbabwe and met the devil (whose name, oddly enough, is Bob). My Blog went mad and no matter what I did, it made the matter worse. At least I was bright enough to keep a copy of it before I messed about.

BUT, surprise surprise, I did manage to do some tinkering that worked. You will notice that all my links are now in alphabetical order. That took hours, as I had a hell of job downloading the alphabet from the Oxford site. The idiots sent me over 120 thousand words! All I asked for was an A to Z. I tried that site, but they kept asking me for what city and the name of the street…Bloody Fools.

Anyway, you will also see some neat little wavey flags. Aren’t they cute! If you accidentally click them on you will be guided to a police cell in Zimbabwe where you will be beaten black and blue. Not really, but it is the place where you can sort of relatively easily put pics up. I am still learning. At the bottom of the links you will see a button for Zimbabwe Situation. That’s the place where I get most of my material from for my satire takes. In fact, I have had a couple of my best piss-takes put up there as well. I got my knickers in such a knot trying to get my head around that coding. In the end the lady who co-runs the site did it for me. She has a really cool site which is linked under B…for Barbara.

I managed to put up some geek widgets to promote myself. I got all excited as I went from No 99 in the top 100 African websites to No 23 overnight. Sadly I needed only 13 hits to get that far! If you are bored, please play about with them and get me to No 1.

This afternoon, some worker wandered on too my balcony, without even saying hello and can I have a beer, and after putting up a ladder, broke every rule in the Health and Safety Book. I wish he had broken his sodding neck, the bastard, as he buggered off leaving a mess after drilling a huge hole in the wall. No idea what the hole is for. Maybe it is to stash his untaxed Cash Only Job wads of money.

UK readers have most probably heard of a pair of clowns called Peter Andre and Katie Price (aka Jordon). They have managed to make themselves rather wealthy here due to some mindless obsession people have with celebrity status. It would take too long to explain, but suffice to say they have made an album together. Not since the ‘70s when Peters and Lee released their debut album; Screeching Blonde Bint and The Howling Blind Drunk Bum, has a recording made such an impression on the paying public.

A Whole New World is up for sale at Believe it or not, there is a review of the CD by non other than the President Of Zimbabwe! (Scroll down to customer reviews. His is called Harmonies of Peace.)

You better click this on fast before Amazon cottons on…hah hah hah

Unfortunately, some of the proposed tracks are missing in the review, so I have put all of them here.

Let’s Crack Some Skulls Together

Beat Da Big Bums Blue

Whites Don’t Live Here Anymore

Rise ‘o Voices of Rhodesia (still not sure about that one)

You Love Me, Yowl, Yowl, Yowl

Like A Candle Igniting Your Home

Starving Matchstick Men and Eating Matchstick Cats and Dogs

The Hills Are Alive, With Fleeing Refugees

Bang Bang, I Shot You All Down

You Not Seen Nothing Like The Mighty Bob

One Moment In Time Down A Mine

Bob, Make My Brown Eyes Black and Blue

Catch Ya laters, Alligators…

Lore: Simply the Pest.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Rhodesia Is Super

Back in the ‘good old days’, I was forced to save my frugal pocket money for Christmas and Birthday presents for my mother who resided in the UK. Trying to get something for nothing was impossible, so it was really taxing to find what you can buy for 30 cents (three weeks pocket money or 6 bottles of Coca –Cola).
Amazingly, some of the stuff I sent my mother kept. The other day she posted me one of these presents back. It was a set of 6 copper coasters. Two are missing but I just had to photograph one of them and let you see it.

Meanwhile- thanks to Carol, the visits to my Blog are really taking off. This lady took the effort to read the lot in one sitting and then promote it on
Many thanks.

Also, I notice that the comments are starting to pick up. Me want lots and lots. With reference to the last two comments – I didn’t spot the unique spelling on the other sign for Rock Duimmies. Duimmies? Who is the dummy here? Just in case I checked it out:

There are no dictionary entries for rock duimmies, but rock is spelled correctly.

No results for: rock duimmies

Did you mean rock dummies?

I dunno. I didn’t write the sign! I most certainly won’t be tempted to eat it either, whatever it is.

As for sunsets, that was taken about 6 weeks ago. So here are a couple taken yesterday. Along with the sunset,I saw something really cool. We get the occasional Harbour Porpoise swimming past but just as the sun set there was an entire school of maybe 30 of them frolicking about for at least 45 minutes. Too far for the pocket camera, but I watched for a while through binoculars. As a matter of interest, the cave next door to mine is rented out as self-catering holiday holes. Email me if you interested.


No, I have not finished the book. However I am working really hard at it. BUT, halleluiah, my computer is fixed! A very nice man in South Carolina finally solved the problem. It turned out I had to untick the box ‘High Resolution’ and everything would be fine. Sadly, he was a little too late as I had already called in an expert from Rhodesia. He, not having a bloody clue what I had for a problem, soon noticed what he had for a problem and swiftly converted my P.C. into a standard Rhodie model with smooth flow technology and throw up out the window home edition soft in the head ware.

Catch ya later.
Best regards, Lore

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Easter in Zimbabwe and North Wales

I had rather a nice Easter. The weather for three of the days was next to perfect and I had my first braai of the year. (That’s a B.B.Q for the non African readers.) The global warming is really making an impact. The seagulls were rabbitting away on the roofs here like it was going out of fashion. Why the hell they do it on a slippery, sloped slate roof is beyond me. It looks really exhausting, them having to flap their wings all the time to stop from plummeting to the ground.

I took my camera and had a bit of a wander around. The place was packed with holiday makers from the midlands. All the fish and chip shops were frying like mad and one of them had renamed his place in honour of the seagulls love making.

Sadly, the water front promotes only fast food served in polystyrene. That’s why we have the fattest seagulls in Wales, as the drunks love to toss the rests on the street or beach. The council spends a fortune cleaning the place up. As you can see from the photo, some of the places do not serve booze. I think the manager was pissed when he wrote the sign.

So, before I pass my Blog over to the President of Zimbabwe, who will tell you about his Easter, here is a picture of me with a baby lamb I caught whilst climbing around the mountains whilst looking for something to eat. The other picture is of a typical view I have every evening from my cave entrance. Rather boring, really!

Excerpt from Rob Mugabe’s Blog

Dear beloved Blog,

What an Easter that was. Firstly, Grace, my beloved and most beautiful wife, informed me we had run out of hot cross buns! I am a very patient man but this was too much. I am tired of those thieving parasites down at the bakeries. I sent my boys down to whip up some buns real quick. The bloody fools came back and told me they beat those baking bastards till they cried very hard but they claim they stole all the flour.

My precious Grace nearly had a baby at the news (not mine, I must keep an eye on that Nicholas von Hogshit), so I had to phone that pathetic dwarf Mbeki and I tell him to fly some over for me chop chop. When I met that new Pope last year in Rome, he told me that my Green Bombers remind him so much of his good old days in the Hitler Youth. So I told Mbeki to make sure he get my buns shaped with hooked crosses on them.

I was eating them with my darling on Sunday afternoon and I was watching that great film from that Australian Jew hater Mel Gibson. That’s the one where Roman war veterans beat the shit out of some troublesome Jew who was promoting democracy and acting like he run the show. I was just thinking that my boys must all get to watch this, as those Romans really know how to make people cry. Then the bloody phone rings!

I went bloody crazy! For Christ’s sake, can I not watch even a film in peace at Easter for God’s sake? What I heard made me very angry. Some bloody cheeky pastor called Alison Sibanda, down at the Apostolic Mission Church, had during the traditional Prayer For The Nation, called on worshippers to pray for a morally upright leader, saying: "Good leaders are ordained by God. But the present one is not from God."

Thank the great Lord that some of my boys were there at the time and dutifully reported this to me. I sent plenty of my boys straight around there to give the congregation some of the Passion of the Christ. Then I got my boys to arrest the pastor for inciting violence…hah hah hah. I told them to keep the collection box for their pains. My boys’ pains, not the church goers…hah hah hah.

I have to go now, beloved Blog, that wife of mine has been looking at some holiday castles to rent for a weekend. I don’t mind going back to see my good old china in North Korea. His cook makes the best meat balls I have ever had – they really are the dog’s bollocks!

Love me lots,

Emperor Bob: Liberator of Africa from the white gay maggots.

(The full story can be found at Zimbabwesituation link)

Thursday, April 05, 2007

The Leopard Never Changes Its Spots

Whilst doing research for my memoirs, I come across all sorts of information. With all the violence that President Mugabe is instigating against the people of Zimbabwe in opposition to his tyrannical rule, I decided to put up a few memories of what the ‘Great Liberator and darling of the liberal West’ did back in the ‘good’ old days.

The pictures are from a Rhodesian Government booklet from 1978. It is called – Anatomy of Terror. I have supplied a link. It is not for the faint hearted.

Massacre at Elim Mission - June 23rd 1978

So says Mr. Andrew Young, United States Ambassador to the United Nations, in a recent interview with the London Times.

This weekend, in the worst atrocity committed against white civilians in the history of Rhodesia's six-year war, terrorists of Robert Mugabe's Zimbabwe National Liberation Army hacked and battered to death almost the entire white staff and their families at the Elim Pentacostal Mission in the Eastern border mountains.

Mr. Young is asked: "Does Mr. Mugabe strike you as a violent man?"

He replies: "Not at all, he's a very gentle man. In fact, one of the ironies of the whole struggle is that I can't imagine Joshua Nkomo, or Robert Mugabe, ever pulling the trigger on a gun to kill anyone. I doubt that they ever have.... The violent people are Smith's people and hopefully they won't be around for the new Zimbabwe."

This weekend, when local and international journalists arrived at the scene of the massacre 15 km from Umtali and less than 7 km from the Mozambique border, the mutilated and blood-stained bodies of three men, four women and five children - including a three-week-old baby - were lying as they had been found that morning.

Mr. Young is asked how he gets on with Mr. Mugabe.

He replies: "I find that I am fascinated by his intelligence, by his dedication. The only thing that frustrates me about Robert Mugabe is that he is so damned incorruptible.... The problem is he was educated by the Jesuits, and when you get the combination of a Jesuit and a Marxist kind of philosophy merging in one person, you've got a hell of a guy to deal with."


About Andrew Young.

In 1977, President Jimmy Carter appointed Young the Ambassador to the UN. His controversial statements made headlines almost from the start. His greatest contribution was helping bring peace and a new constitution to Zimbabwe, and he also helped improve US relations with Nigeria. He was criticized for many of his statements, such as his suggestion that Cuban troops brought stability to Angola. However, President Carter continued to support his ambassador until 1979, when, contrary to US policy and statute, he met with a representative of the Palestinian Liberation Organization. When the occurrence of that meeting was revealed, Young's public statements were perceived as evasive by Administration critics. Ultimately, Young was forced to resign.


From Time Magazine July 10 1978

At the beginning of the war, the killings of white missionaries had seemed, in most cases, to be merely part of the prevailing violence. The latest rash of murders suggests that the guerrillas are now killing missionaries in an effort to create panic among Rhodesia's remaining whites, particularly in rural areas. Since whites are now leaving the country at the rate of 1,000 a month, that brutal plan may be having some success.


BBC 1st June 1979: End of White rule in Rhodesia

Mr Smith warned that "pushing people forward simply because of their colour, irrespective of merit, would be most unfortunate and would of course lead to disaster".

He continued: "It would mean that Rhodesia would then develop into a kind of banana republic where the country would in no time be bankrupt."

Monday, April 02, 2007

I Feel My Pain

I am suffering from post root canal surgery. It is not nice. To make matters worse, the large hole in my molar has only been temporarily filled in and I have to wait another two weeks before the final completion. However, should the pain become unbearable during this time, I intend to take three aspirins, a bottle of scotch and pull the bastard out with a pair of pliers.

As we all now know, Mad Captain Bob has been allowed to steer the good ship Zimbabwe deeper into the dark waters, bouncing off icebergs on the way. No doubt he will be re-elected in 2008 despite the huge combined efforts of Western imperialistic nations to displace him and put Ian Smith back at the helm. I get rather tired reading some of the garbage being written about whose fault it is that Zimbabwe is in such a state. I mean, exactly who are they kidding when they believe that all the ex Rhodesians want to come rushing back and take over the place again?

I managed to rig up a very interesting little tool called Google Analytics which gives me an incredible detailed stat report about this blog. Sadly it can’t fix it! Anyway, some of the information garnered is that the story, Learning Afrikaans is the most popular hit. That particular anecdote will be rewritten eventually but at the moment I am busy redoing the Gokwe bit. Hopefully I will have the whole lot finished for this Xmas, so start saving now. I could also see how many new people have visited as against returning fans the last month. I was well surprised to see that almost 70% are new people.

The Google map they supply is so sophisticated I can even see which town visitors are coming from! Some of them are real puzzling, like the hits from Ghana.
Could the person who lives in Dubai see if they can trace a certain Mike Yoko. I believe he is head of a hotel security unit. I have to slowly start tracing certain people to get permission to use their real names. Mike was my shift boss when I was stationed in Gwelo.
Another name is ex Staff Inspector Mike Lambourne. He was my squad instructor back in ’76 at Morris Depot. That reminds me; anyone got any pictures of Morris Depot?

Finally, someone pointed out to me that I had forgotten to put my Email address in my profile section, so I finally got around to doing that. Eventually I will try to redo the links. I see that the title still appears to be a bit cropped when using IE. I still haven’t figured out what the hell is wrong with my PC so the Blog is still completely white background. Very frustrating.

Catch ya laters.