Saturday, March 25, 2006

Unemployed Heroin Addicts To Help Army In Record Numbers.

Afghani Warlords brace for an invasion of the Druggiebands.

Reported by Westminster correspondent, Urine Heep, for The Daily Creep.

Today in parliament, after the Chancellor gave his budget speech, the Prime Minister, surprised everyone, including as usual most of his own party, when he declared that a workable plan has been made to get British troops out of Afghanistan before Christmas.

He then made way to allow the newly created Minister for Druggies and Dossers, Divhead Bonkit M.P., to announce to an after lunch semi-pickled house of Commons that,

“Stinking drug addicted vermin must get off their shared needles and contribute to Britain’s safety, instead of relying on the DHS to provide them with accommodation and money to create crack houses in school play grounds.” The Dis-Honourable member for Shifty Bightsize, whipped his dog with his white stick to get it to howl loud enough to gain the attention of the back benchers, who were engrossed in chilling out with their recently donated iPods, and feeling from a paper he had punched out himself, Bonkit’s badly bruised fingers paused for a poised second before groping on,

“It is my desire to solve two problems for every overdose death. The state cannot afford to chase smelly bearded men with Kalashnikovs protecting poppy fields in mountainous Afghanistan and smelly bearded men with syringes in mountainous city slums of Britain simultaneously. We will round the druggies up, ship them to Afghanistan, where they can get their habit for free. Once all the poppy fields are used up, we can bring the troops home. The Afghan War Lords will take care of the crack heads after that. The state just cannot steal enough money for these invasion capers anymore.”

At this point the leader of the opposition, Dandy Campon, snickered and suggested that the Right Dis-Honourable member had obviously not been given a quick glimpse of the latest budget.

Bonkit, obviously not seeing the joke, groped on. Temporarily forgetting which party he belonged to, he ridiculed the Governments recent proposal to give every asylum seeker £3000 pounds and a free airfare to fuck off. He stated to the packed house, gathered to vote for a M.P. pay increase of 27,5%, which was considered to go through with support from the opposition parties,

“Take Zimbabwean asylum seekers for example. They taking the piss or what? They come from a land where their democratically elected leader says my best mate, the Prime Minister, is gay and a gangster!”

Using his white stick as a pointer, Bonkit, turned and attempted to prod the Prime Minister for dramatic emphasis, thus breaking up a short lived conversation between the Chancellor and P.M. Tinny Blabber, who had just asked Gobby Browneye if he had got a wood watching ‘Brokeback Mountain’. His misplaced lunge landed up buried deep into the Chancellors budget briefcase, making Dandy Campon quip, “What a circus, their own people are putting holes in the budget already!”

Shouts of “Woof, Woof” from the front benches, were drowned out with loud comments, such as,
“I dunno about gay, but that Tinny is a gangster awlright.” This coming from a large group of smelly New Age Travellers packing the public gallery to protest the banning of their children from wearing their traditional dress of cast off rags at schools they rarely attend. The return to the cabinet for a record third time for MP Divhead Bonkit, was not going to be another easy ride.

“I have spent hours feeling my way through the figures, (roars of laughter from the packed house,) and I can honestly say that we can withdraw our troops, relieve this land of unwanted rif raff, bring peace and prosperity to the people of Afghanistan, whilst saving billions in tax payers money needed desperately to feed the starving children in Africa.”

A heckler from the public gallery interrupted the speech by throwing a shit filled baby’s diaper in Bonkits direction and shouting out, “What the fuck you talking about you dirty old man?” But the 18 year old and 8 months pregnant, unemployed single mother of 3 children, was dragged away by security personal to be detained under the prevention of terrorism act, still shouting claims that Divhead Bonkit was the father of her unborn child.

At that point, the new minister of ‘Druggies and Dossers’, had to agree for an adjournment to future debate after he was informed his dog had just defecated on the Teresa Jolly’s brand new Gucci shoes, (a present from the Italian Prime Minister,) and was doing ‘humpies’ on Roof Kollie’s leg as she struggled to numerically put in correct order the papers for her latest education proposal.

One backbencher, who prefers to stay anonymous, told this reporter, “I love that hound. Master and dog are a perfect match, this mutt is truly like Divhead; takes advantage of any dumb bint!”

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