Sunday, December 18, 2016

The Fancy Dress Party

I went to a party just down the road last night. It was a fancy dress party.
I love schnapps, but must admit, after 2 bottles of the stuff, I started to feel a bit odd. As in - I could not feel much at all.

I gathered, post- drunkenness, that I had indeed made my way home. But it was that in between phase that is truly terrible. 

For I recall – it must have been about that time between pissing yourself and gagging for a drink of something strong – such as a liter of lead free super - now on offer at my local petrol station. I was awoken by a loud buzzing sound – a bit like a two stroke motor going mad.

I remember having to sort of peel myself off the tiled floor of the bathroom. The lights were on. As I swayed and started to focus my eyes – a frightening apparition approached me.

It was a grotesque clown. It looked a bit like that weird one who sells hamburgers. But this one was slobbering out the mouth. It grunted and spurted vomit on to its tunic. Its pants were soaking wet with acid smelling yellow fluid, its shoes were brown from diarrhea dripping down the back of its legs.

Huge, bloodshot eyes stared at me – its orange, curly hair, was tilted sideways with signs of a recent fire. The bulging red nose, riddled with purple veins, the bared teeth, behind bright, blood dead scarlet, and now well smeared lipstick – was too much for my highly strung nervous system.
In fear, I threw up an arm to defend myself and it responded by waving a buzzing chain saw at me, and staggered in my direction…

I screamed in terror and slipping on a bath mat; fell totally into the arms of the thing. As my mind entered the peace and quiet of the dark zone, I heard vaguely the sound of breaking glass.

Conclusio (which is Latin) -

It took three nurses to remove the slivers of broken mirror. I needed 27 stitches and two pints of blood. The chain saw had fallen in the toilet and cost 200 euros to repair.

WHICH – leads me to the conclusion – next time I go to a fancy dress party – I go as a fairy.

Karl Greenberg is the author of the Rhodesian cult classics -
The Gokwe Kid and Simply the Pest.

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