Sunday, December 18, 2016

Lunatic Leper Lunched by Leopard in Leipzig

With videos going viral, police in Leipzig, Germany, have finally given a statement involving a bizarre incident at Leipzig Zoo last week.
A spokesperson, Übergruppenpolizeifürerfürbizarrefuckyupsups Alfons Schesseinhosen, whilst admitting mistakes had been made by his department was quick to condemn the local public and social media in making a ‘one off’ incident into a ‘fucking circus show’. (Google – leper leopard Leipzig.)

In a rare interview with the BBC (Brexit Bastard Clowns), Scheisseinhosen explained what had occurred -

‘Zee man was very krank in kopf. Also he in bits from leprosy. He want to end his scheisse life. He write suicide note, leaving two fingers stuck to zee pen. He hop out of lunatic asylum and by following a trail of clues, such as a nose, an ear, a toe und so weiter, we see and collect zee evidence to put his last hop together.’

Drinking a massive slug from a liter of glue wine (a common drink in Germany to prevent ‘durchfall’), he passed a watery raspberry and continued -

‘Zee dumpkopf, climb fence into leopard pit in Leipzig Zoo. He leave hands and feet in fence. He fall in – zee leopard, he very hungry and pull him apart very easy and eat him.’

At this point Sceisseinhosen became angry -

‘Aber – so many schadenfreude people. They just look and lol. They take selfies with climbing man and film as leopard rip the krank man into bits and cheer like at football match when we beat Brazil 7-1.’

Whilst many people believe the leopard should be given the sleepy bye bye spritzen, animal rights protesters claimed it was not the animal’s fault.

However, the leopard, known locally now as ‘Rippscheissekopfab’, has been given a reprieve by scientists from Medicxalschulefurscheisseblödsin, who have place the leopard in quarantine.

There they wish to find out if leprosy can be transferred to animals and have the beast under 24/7 observation. Till now all they have are a few crapped out human teeth, three toe nails and a spinal joint.

Reported by The Gokwe Kid for Reuters News Agency.

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