Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Gokwe Kid and the mad Made for Mugabe Mermaid

I just fancied writing something totally insane. Absolute gibberish. Of course, all creative writers need a prompt. Usually it is life itself. In theory, you can write about anything. What I love to do is manipulation. It is called ‘spin’. I should have been a politician.

So there I was, not really concentrating any more on my school work (short attention span), and well, what do you know – Peter Godwin sends a Tweet, which for some unsure reason pops up on my Facebook. The link was very interesting. It is from a web site called bulawayo.24.com. This article was posted today and I insist you read this below because it beggars belief…until, shockingly, it is actually true. I have witnessed this and give my account afterwards.

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Water Resources Development and Management Minister Samuel Sipepa Nkomo had a Senate Committee on Gender and Development in stitches when he alleged that mermaids were preventing government officials from installing water pumps at dams in Gokwe and Mutare.

Nkomo was presenting evidence on the water supply situation in Zimbabwe when he made the stunning allegations.

He said the problem first occurred in Gokwe when officers installing water pumps at a dam dumped the project vowing not to return to the area because of the mermaids.

He said a similar situation occurred at Osborne Dam in Manicaland. Government hired white personnel to do the job but they also refused to undertake the project.

"We even hired whites thinking that our boys did not want to work but they also returned saying they would not return to work there again," he said.

Nkomo said it was necessary to brew traditional beer and carry out any rites to appease the spirits.

Local Government, Rural and Urban Development Minister Ignatius Chombo who also appeared before the committee concurred that there was need to perform traditional rites at the dams.

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During the Rhodesian Bush War, the Russians, assisted by the Chinese, had this great idea to mutate some of the female ‘freedom fighters’ they supported into a kind of mermaid. The plan was that they could then swim from Zambia, crossing Lake Kariba, and swim up the Sengwa River and then sort of sliver along and then lurk in dams with broken water pumps in Gokwe Tribal Trust Land. A devious scheme, as sure enough, after the locals had hit the broken pump with a large lump of wood to ‘fiks-it’, they had then concluded it was ‘brokin’ and that meant calling a whitey out.

The ‘fighting mermaid of feminism freedom’ would then attack poor unsuspecting whitey and that was that. A few instances did occur in the Gokwe area, but was cleverly hushed up as crocodile attacks. Not that I ever saw a crocodile in all the time I was in Gokwe, but that is beside the point.

Luckily, during my time fighting this slime, I was chosen to become part of the elite covert unit PAMU (Police Anti Mermaid Unit). It was all very hush-hush because the mere thought that something like this might reproduce and suddenly a baby one pops out your tap whilst running a bath, was considered so terrifying that along with just about anything else to do with the war, it was kept out the local press.

Anyway, I remember that night vividly when I first saw one of the nasty things. I still get nightmares. It was a Saturday night/Sunday morning. I had just got back from the Gokwe whites only sports club rather well blasted out my skull. I recall that my knees hurt from crawling the half kilometre home, dragging my FN rifle behind me, and thought I could sooth them in the tiny swimming pool us elite policeman had just outside our single quarter’s bedrooms. Big mistake. I was so pissed I forgot that the pump had not been working for a couple of days and should have known this was a perfect spot for the hideous monsters to lurk in the rather shallow depths.

Recalling this is harrowing, even now after I have easily drank that pool and many more of its volume equivalent in bubbled water of hops, malt and wheat for decades, but, that night was bad news…

I managed to ease my aching bones into the shallow end, when suddenly, I was pulled in. (The official report stated I fell in; which is lie). The monster mermaid was terrifying but my training took over instinctively and I promptly started having a wee and a poo at the same time. (The poo was used in evidence at my kangaroo court-martial.) I screamed out for my mates but they were drunk and didn’t care a jot over my imminent demise. Of course, I still had my trusty FN assault rifle with me as its sling was wrapped around my neck. As I was dragged deep into the rather shallow depths, I cocked it and let rip at the demonic thing.

This was fire power at an enormous scale. I blasted it scales all over the pool walls. (Forensics claimed they found none. I think they were just too lazy to look properly.) That rifle did some damage though – mainly to itself. The barrel split almost instantly, but still I pulled that trigger as I fought for my life. The noise was appallingly still. The water pressure of 7,62 mm rounds being fired under water nearly made me pass out in pain as I emptied the entire magazine into its hideous form.

I don’t remember much after that because I must have wounded it and it went off. I got into a bit of bother but I talked my way out as usual. I did do a sketch of the thing that attacked me. Anyway, it is true, the things are still out there…please, please, make sure your water pumps are regularly serviced.

Next week I will tell you about the great fun I had when I was abducted by mutant ZANU (PF) green lesbian winged aliens from planet Zimbabwe.


John said...

Insane. Absolute gibberish.

Anonymous said...

A little gibberish and folklore makes for a brilliant blog, loved it!!!