Sunday, September 11, 2011

From cutting grass to wiping arse – The evolution of the Rhodesian powered lawn mower

Whilst it is recognised that the entrepreneurial Rhodesians were the first to circumnavigate sanctions and create the first eco-friendly powered lawn mower (It needed no energy consumption besides a plate of sadza and relish once a day), it was the Americans that took the first steps to use it competitively.

In 2006, the USA took gold in the 400 metres cycle track grass trimming in the Idiots Olympics, held, coincidently, in Zimbabwe. The winner is here depicted trying out the winning model in his father’s workshop. Sadly, the USS Enterprise Lawnbike C113, was stolen seconds after it had cut a swathe through the opposition.

The great John Deere, an American corporation based in Moline, Illinois, and the leading manufacturer of agricultural machinery in the world, attempted to mass produce a model for Africa in general. Disappointingly, sales failed due to a disastrous decision by the United Nations and other Aid agencies to declare them inhumane and award their staff US2000 to supply their horticultural experts (garden boys – in plain Rhodie speak), with motorised Chinese made four wheelers - that consequently disappeared at an alarming rate to pop up on EBay soon after delivery. 

Depicted above is the standard model and pictured below is the Deluxe version which was designed for use 24/7 with a headlight to stop the night shift horticultural expert driving into the swimming pool.

It was only when Lehman Brothers collapsed that a niche market opened up for a bicycle for geriatric pensioners. It was designed for those who had been taken for a ride on pure bullshit, that needed a way to the Post Office to collect their pittance; whilst crapping themselves in anticipation. Sadly, the firm producing Crap-On-Wheels were forced into administration after a possible terrorist Muslim was found using one to place a brown bomb of stinking proportions, whilst it was chained up at the entrance to Queen Elizabeth’s private quarters.

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