Monday, December 20, 2010

Lovemore Sibanda : How to send secret documents secretly.

Well, it is Xmas and all that. I doubt I will be able to post again till the New Year. I wish you all the weather, cold beer, tax free lottery win, shark free warm sea waves and keep dreaming. So, if you get bored over the festive period, try out this nonsense. See ya next year and thanks for checking in. More followers and comments please.

Special Agent Lovemore Sibanda, a deep undercover mole operative for the sinister head of WhackyLeaks, Darren ‘Whackhead’ Simpson, explains how he manages to send covert reports to his master without the enemy cracking the code he uses.

Here is an example of a recent report he sent -

 I am recovering from a savage beating by the Zimbabwe police because my trainers they wanted to take as a fine were made in China and had holes in them. Meanwhile that number one diamond lady, Grace, is very cross with the newspaper for saying she is stealing diamonds. She say she don’t get her nails dirty and get dirty people to do the dirty work and then she does the dirty on them.

Ps. Where is my Xmas box?

This, as can be seen, is in perfectly legible English. Now here comes the secret code.
Using Google Translate, it is changed to Albanian. It comes out so –

Unë jam Shërimi nga një rrahje të egër nga ana e policisë Zimbabve trajnerët e mi, sepse ata duan marrin si një gjobë ishin bërë Kinë dhe sikur vrima në to. Ndërkohë një numër diamant grua, Grace, është shumë e kryq me gazetën për të thënë se ajo është vjedhur diamante. Ajo thonë se ajo nuk do të marrë thonjtë e saj të pista pista dhe të marrë njerëz për të bërë punë të pista dhe Pastaj Ajo e bën të pista mbi ta.

Ps. Ku është kuti Xmas e mia?

This in turn is translated into Swedish –

IUnë är återhämta sig från en vilde slog av polis Zimbabwe min tränare för att de vill ta som en fin gjordes i Kina och hade hål i dem. Medan ett antal diamant kvinna, Grace, är mycket kors med tidningen för att säga att det är stulna diamanter. Hon sa att hon inte skulle sina naglar smutsiga smutsiga och få människor att göra det smutsiga jobbet och så gör hon det smutsiga på dem.

Ps. Var är min Xmas box?

Vietnamese officials confer with Swedes in attempt to understand the secret messages.

Then into Welsh –

IUnë yn gwella o guro milain gan yr heddlu o Zimbabwe fy hyfforddwyr am eu bod am gymryd bod un asgell ei wneud yn Tsieina ac wedi thyllau ynddynt. Er bod nifer o, gwraig diemwnt Grace, yn groes iawn gyda'r papur newydd i ddweud ei fod yn dwyn deiamwntiau. Dywedodd na fyddai'n cael eu ewinedd budr budr a chael pobl i wneud y gwaith budr ac wedyn mae hi yn y budr arnynt.

Ps. Ble mae fy Xmas bocs?

Then into Yiddish –

יונë ריקאַווערינג פון אַ ראָצכיש ביטינג דורך פּאָליצייַ פון זימבאַבווע מיין קאָוטשיז מחמת זיי וועלן צו נעמען אַז איין פליגל איז געמאכט געווארן אין טשיינאַ און האָבן האָלעס אין זיי. כאָטש פילע, פרוי דימענט חסד, קעגן די צייַטונג צו זאָגן אַז ער ברענגט דעם דיאַמאָנדס. ער האט עס וואָלט ניט זייַן אַ גראָב גראָב פינגגערניילז און באַקומען מענטשן צו טאָן די גראָב אַרבעט און דעריבער זי ס די גראָב אויף זיי.

פּס. וואו ס מיין קסמאַס קעסטל?

And, just in case, into Irish –

Meitheamh e Aisghabháil ó beating ag póilíní na Siombáibe Coaches Sórtáil mar ba mhaith leo a chur go bhfuil ceann sciathán déanta sa tSín agus poill a bheith iontu. Cé go bhfuil go leor cairde, Diamond bean chéile, i gcoinne an nuachtán a rá go bhfuil Tugann an Diamaint. Rinne nach mbeadh ina fingernails salach salach agus daoine a fháil chun an obair a dhéanamh agus ansin salach ar an salach ar iad.

Bandaleithid. I gcás ina's mo bhosca spás?

Then, just in case-case, into Vietnamese –

Tháng Sáu e Lấy từ cảnh sát đánh đập tàn độc của Zimbabwe Phân loại huấn luyện viên khi họ muốn thêm rằng một cánh được thực hiện tại Trung Quốc và các lỗ hổng trong họ. Mặc dù nhiều bạn bè, kim cương vợ, đối với tờ báo nói rằng ông sẽ cho Diamond. Ông không làm cho nó một móng tay bẩn bẩn có được mọi người để làm công việc và sau đó bẩn bẩn trên chúng.

Băng thông. Trường hợp của hộp thư đến của tôi không gian?

Darren ‘Whackhead’ Simpson . The secret head of the notorious WhackyLeaks,  here shortly after being arrested for raping a swede and a largely endowed cabbage.

So, this is then sent via satilite to the head of WhackyLeaks, who, of course, knows in which order to untranslate in. Meanwhile, the enemy, simply translate the Vietnamese into English and it comes out like this –

June e Retrieved from vicious police beating of Zimbabwe Sort coaches when they want to add that a field is done in China and have holes in them. Although many friends, her diamonds, with newspapers saying that he will for Diamond. He does not make it a dirty fingernails and get people to do the job and then it is dirty on them.

Bandwidth. Where's my inbox space?

A photo not of Secret Agent Lovemore Sibanda, uploading to satellite his secret secrets in code.

Now, in theory, a supercomputer could then use multiple combinations of the language translaters available until it sort of hits on the original.

There is a catch, which Lovemore admits is causing a problem. Even with the correct reverse procedure, the message doesn’t come out quite like the original. In fact, I gave it a test and this is what I came up with –

Retryeved June E vicious police beating in Zimbabwe coaches blow when they want to add that the area is made in China and had holes in them. Although many friends, Diamond, with newspapers saying he diamond. It makes not one of those dirty nails and get people to do the job, and then it was dirt on them.

Bandvidth. Where is my place in the inbox?

Now, think carefully. Maybe ALL those scandalous WikiLeaks are actually done the same way! I bet the USA will sue the pants off Google. I approached an anomalous anonymous Google spokesperson calling himself Andy Amoeba, and put this proposition to him. He replied quoting Jesus - ‘It's a hassle it's an educated guess. Well, frankly I couldn't care less.


John said...

Jingle bells Lore.

Anonymous said...

Thank goodness you translated it back into Engrish I lost the plot whe you got to the Swedish version!