Monday, March 02, 2009

ZIMBABWE : Last War Vet Dies.‏

Readers send me stuff that they hope will help me with my blog’s content. This is much appreciated. Keep them coming. I just received this from Australia. There is no clue as to who wrote it. I am slightly hacked off because it isn’t me. If I do find the anonymous writer’s name I will post it with their consent. (So get in touch…)

This is a very clever piece of satire. The manipulation of the facts is hilariously done with that talent for pure black humour. The writer knows his subject very well, keeps the pace and the length of the piece just perfect. Brilliant!

Mugabe to appoint new war veterans as real ones are all dead

HARARE. Zimbabwean despot Robert Mugabe will confer official war veteran status on 500,000 teenaged boys this week as part of his 85th birthday celebrations, after it emerged that the last genuine veteran of the guerilla war died of cholera this morning.

The new war veterans will be tasked with "rebuilding Zimbabwe by hitting MDC pigs with half-bricks".

The current life expectancy in Zimbabwe is 38, and given that the country's civil war ended in 1980, the only surviving genuine ZANLA veterans would need to have enlisted at the age of 9.

According to the country's national archives, currently housed in an empty Chibuku skud in a field outside Harare, the youngest recruit was Twinkie Matambanadzo, 13, who was sold to the Zanu armed forces by his parents who wanted their son to see the world and thought the militia was a traveling circus.

Matambanadzo reportedly passed away in 2006 after choking on a mouse he had caught and boiled, his first solid food in more than four months.

However other veterans were luckier. Field Marshall Brooklax Chaturanga, who commanded the Light Mounted Zebras between 1978 and 1980, had just celebrated his 104th birthday last month when a family member stepped on his oxygen tube and he passed away.

In a small ceremony, at which packs of feral dogs were shooed from the gravesite and vultures were kept at bay with parasols, well-wishers remembered a hero and patriot who attributed his long life to clean living, dedication to his country, and having all of his medical expenses since 1994 paid by South African taxpayers.

Chaturanga was believed to have been the last surviving genuine veteran, but new evidence emerged this week that Banjo Hungwe, 48, had once mooned a Rhodesian policeman, making him officially the only veteran still alive.

However two days after the discovery, Hungwe contracted cholera and passed away.

A saddened Mugabe said this morning that his veterans would be sorely missed, especially now that he would have to stop eating truffles long enough to go out and find some more people who could hit his opponents with half-bricks.

"The war is over but the battle continues," said Mugabe, dabbing caviar off his chin. "The British homosexuals are everywhere, but we will prevail."

He said he had tasked his aides with finding 500,000 teenaged boys who would be given official war veteran status and who could be "handed the half-brick of destiny, to totally mash up the heads of the imperialist dogs".

However aides who did not wish to be named confirmed this morning that they are struggling to find 500 000 teenaged boys healthy enough to pick up a half-brick.

"All the ones who are strong enough to walk or crawl are in South Africa," said one.

"It's very disappointing that they can't make an effort for the man who has saved Zimbabwe. We just hope it doesn't spoil Comrade Mugabe's birthday.

"People can be so selfish."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This letter is a joke. I know Nyasha very well and she is educated and very well spoken and never "begs" or goes around saying that she is a poor woman. In fact, she often says how lucky she is and is very happy living in Madrid will here beautiful family.

This letter is disgusting and a fake. But, I guess that is how companies like first star survive.