Monday, November 24, 2008

Join The Rhodesian Navy: We Need You!

Yes, the time has come for the great Rhodesian fighting forces to gather once again and join Captain Pugwash and his crew to rid the seas from the Pirates of the Zambezi, via Somalia. Those that remember the days of the great Rhodesian Navy, as they used hand grenades in Kariba to get fish fingers, can regale their tales of derry-do once again.

The time has come once more. The evil has spread and only semi-comatose alcoholic geriatrics in their fifties, wearing a Rhodesian Service Medal as a monocle, can eradicate the latest vermin to trespass the sacred waters of the Indian Ocean. (Which, actually, is a rather stupid name, as most of the time you will be just off the coast of Africa. Maybe the Indians patented the ocean first.)

A picture of a nasty pirate

No pirate would dare attack a ship flying the Rhodesian green and white, the bows displaying that sacred name, USS Ian Smith- Surprise. Yes, be one those who made the waters free for loads of rag-heads to continue peddling black gold to dumb Westerners.

You too can leave your job, bitchy wife and binge drinking children and get paid to sit on a floating bomb for three weeks talking shite and Roger the cabin-boy. Just drunkenly point a shotgun towards the ocean from the top of an oil tanker at a tiny blob of bobbing coconut rafts, loaded with screaming savages armed simply with high-incendiary RPG spears made in Russia, and shout

‘My name is Able Seamen Stains and I am a Rhodesian’, and if worst comes to worst - you get a four month free holiday in Somalia.

Picture of Oil Tanker hit by nasty pirate spears

The pay is stupendous and it is all TAX free. However, the all inclusive costs are the key to give up whatever miserable existence you have and sign on to the NEW Rhodesian Navy.

These include –

Free ride on a helicopter.

Free Porno films and Jaz mags.

Free Beer and Whisky.

Free whores from every hole you port in.

Free accommodation

Free access for wheelchairs

Free funerals.

If you are interested, further details are here in the following eMail sent to me.

Ex Rhodesian forces required for security convoy work.. As long as you can spend three weeks away from home at a time and are still fit to fire a weapon, you will be considered. Starting in early 2009. Contract is indefinite. You will be working at sea and will be flown to site by helicopter, so if you get sea sick or air sick, consider not applying or can you take the relative medication?

Three weeks on, 10 days off. Salary - USD1000-00 per week - cash, no tax or deductions, all expenses paid. Large bonus paid when engaged in a security incident (up to USD 20 000 bonus). Must have a vaild passport.

For more details email Gee Bee at:

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant - GeeBee