Thursday, July 24, 2008

China and Russia join forces to help the starving in Ethiopia.

Two permanent members of the United Nations Security Council today placed the blame for the crisis facing millions of people in the impoverished North Eastern African nation of Ethiopia on the West. The permanent chink in the West’s armour, Comrade Winky Wanky Woo, stated to the press that –

‘Dumb fookers like Smelly Bob Gitdorf simply make the problem worse. Single handily this fooker gave the Ethiopians so much food they produced like rabbits and now hop about with their testicles jamming the AK47’s we donated.’

Russia’s spokesman, Demokcrazy Fuckoffitz, added his own withering opinion of Western misguided thought.
‘When sated, the African will fornicate, when starving they will steal –what kind of policy is this?’

The two emerging economic superpowers have agreed to the philosophy that - Africa’s problems belong to Africa and Africa is more than able to feed itself. However, they conceded that occasionally Africans need some help, and as such have used their combined resources to set up a frozen food plant in Rwanda capable of processing over a thousand Congolese Pygmies an hour.

It has been well known since 2003 that Pygmies are a quick accessible high protein food and, as one rebel leader claimed (before accidentally falling into a pot of stew after failing to pay his supporters their promised allocation of Mercedes-Benzes),

‘A Pygmy is as easy to catch as a Dodo, absolutely delicious and, if fed scraps of their immediate relatives, can be kept fresh for a week.’

Using modern methods the Chinese and Russians have created a selection of Pygmies in many exotic sauces. These have been quick frozen and can be easily defrosted in the blazing dust bowls where the populace copulate and inhabit-ate. Cooking isn’t required as the Pygmies usually arrive at the packing station par-boiled from mortar missiles and phosphorus grenades used to flush them out. The plan is then to drop them from Western financed emergency relief Hercules transport planes.

Some of the variations may become a huge hit and plans are afoot (less toenails of course), to introduce them to the United Kingdom via the No1 frozen food supplier Iceland. They will face serious competition as Iceland has a formidable range in quick fix exotic meals. Curried Paki, Gaseous Jew, Irish in Guinness, Iraqi mine fingers and the recently introduced American favourite – Shithead Pie, will prove difficult to dislodge from the general diet of the obese English unemployed class.

The Chinese and Russians do point out that whilst the protein contents of their products are relatively new to the normal Western palette, (a liberal term to mix various colours till they become white), they have taken great pains to use well loved recipes in an effort to promote a unique dish. Some are relatively simple, such as, Sweet and Sour Pygmy, others like, Pygmy Kiev, may take a while to be accustomed to.

Shares in Iceland jumped 3000% today after this announcement. Their spokesperson, Sir Sheik Ma’ Money-bags, was unavailable for comment, but reporters did find some child-sized bones in his dustbin; so presumably he was testing the latest future products.

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, agreed to meet one of the leaders of the Pygmy tribes, who recently managed to escape and commented,

‘This is really heavy shit what you are passing through!’

The reply was simply one of pure sorrow,

‘He ‘aint heavy, that was my brother.’

If you wonder where in hell I came up with this nonsense, instead of me giving you links, simply Google the words… eating pygmies

It is a sad, sad world!

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