Friday, July 25, 2008

He ventured forth to bring light to the world

This is one of the finest pieces of journalistic satire I have ever read. It is worth putting it here in its entirety. I would just love to be able to write as well as this..

From The Times
July 25, 2008
He ventured forth to bring light to the world
The anointed one's pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to all his faithful followers

By Gerard Baker

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.
The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.
When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?”
In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.
And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the light unto all the world.
He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.

And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more.

From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.
And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.
And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.

From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.
In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.

As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites. And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.
The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.

And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.
Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.

And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.
Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.
But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.
And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.

Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.
On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.
And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”

Thursday, July 24, 2008

China and Russia join forces to help the starving in Ethiopia.

Two permanent members of the United Nations Security Council today placed the blame for the crisis facing millions of people in the impoverished North Eastern African nation of Ethiopia on the West. The permanent chink in the West’s armour, Comrade Winky Wanky Woo, stated to the press that –

‘Dumb fookers like Smelly Bob Gitdorf simply make the problem worse. Single handily this fooker gave the Ethiopians so much food they produced like rabbits and now hop about with their testicles jamming the AK47’s we donated.’

Russia’s spokesman, Demokcrazy Fuckoffitz, added his own withering opinion of Western misguided thought.
‘When sated, the African will fornicate, when starving they will steal –what kind of policy is this?’

The two emerging economic superpowers have agreed to the philosophy that - Africa’s problems belong to Africa and Africa is more than able to feed itself. However, they conceded that occasionally Africans need some help, and as such have used their combined resources to set up a frozen food plant in Rwanda capable of processing over a thousand Congolese Pygmies an hour.

It has been well known since 2003 that Pygmies are a quick accessible high protein food and, as one rebel leader claimed (before accidentally falling into a pot of stew after failing to pay his supporters their promised allocation of Mercedes-Benzes),

‘A Pygmy is as easy to catch as a Dodo, absolutely delicious and, if fed scraps of their immediate relatives, can be kept fresh for a week.’

Using modern methods the Chinese and Russians have created a selection of Pygmies in many exotic sauces. These have been quick frozen and can be easily defrosted in the blazing dust bowls where the populace copulate and inhabit-ate. Cooking isn’t required as the Pygmies usually arrive at the packing station par-boiled from mortar missiles and phosphorus grenades used to flush them out. The plan is then to drop them from Western financed emergency relief Hercules transport planes.

Some of the variations may become a huge hit and plans are afoot (less toenails of course), to introduce them to the United Kingdom via the No1 frozen food supplier Iceland. They will face serious competition as Iceland has a formidable range in quick fix exotic meals. Curried Paki, Gaseous Jew, Irish in Guinness, Iraqi mine fingers and the recently introduced American favourite – Shithead Pie, will prove difficult to dislodge from the general diet of the obese English unemployed class.

The Chinese and Russians do point out that whilst the protein contents of their products are relatively new to the normal Western palette, (a liberal term to mix various colours till they become white), they have taken great pains to use well loved recipes in an effort to promote a unique dish. Some are relatively simple, such as, Sweet and Sour Pygmy, others like, Pygmy Kiev, may take a while to be accustomed to.

Shares in Iceland jumped 3000% today after this announcement. Their spokesperson, Sir Sheik Ma’ Money-bags, was unavailable for comment, but reporters did find some child-sized bones in his dustbin; so presumably he was testing the latest future products.

British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, agreed to meet one of the leaders of the Pygmy tribes, who recently managed to escape and commented,

‘This is really heavy shit what you are passing through!’

The reply was simply one of pure sorrow,

‘He ‘aint heavy, that was my brother.’

If you wonder where in hell I came up with this nonsense, instead of me giving you links, simply Google the words… eating pygmies

It is a sad, sad world!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Happy Birthday.

Today is a special day because one of the most amazing people on this planet is celebrating his birthday. I am of course referring to my son David who is turning eighteen, and not some grey haired old man in South Africa.

To celebrate this wonderful day I have taken the liberty to steal a few ideas from the ‘Rainbow Nation’ and instead of candles for the cake I am going to set fire to 90 Zimbabweans. Oops, sorry…hah hah, I was getting confused, I mean 18. After all, we don’t want hints of genocide swirling around the U.N. again.

As an extra birthday bonus I thought I would make a little video and post it on YouTube. Unfortunately I didn’t have much imagination, so I patched together this little bit of nonsense.