Saturday, March 29, 2008

Vote For Me and See What You Get For Free!

Greetings my fellow Zimbabweans.

As you know, today you will go to the polls and vote for me to remain your leader. It is not in your interests to even consider voting for anyone else. Only I can save you and what is left of your family from being colonised again. Imagine, you would have to work for a pittance and take orders from a White ‘Baas’ who would beat you and have sex with your wife at anytime.

Since I have been in charge, more than 80% of you now no longer have to work! Soon we will emulate successful lands such as the very Democratic Republic of the Congo, where they have worked so hard to make sure that 99% of their population no longer have to work. I and my politburo members have to work of course. Such is our burden of responsibility, but we do so with joy in our hearts, as we know our efforts reap joy and happiness among you all.

Because of our brilliant economic plans, there is no need for most of you to get up early in the morning to go to work. Now you can just ‘hang around’ waiting for handouts. Today, because it is such a special day, I have decided to give all of you presents of grandiose abundance. All you have to do is simply click on the gift and save it to use at any time you like.

We all love a good fry-up, so please except this traditional Zimbabwean breakfast dish (the British imperialists stole the recipe, just like they did in India with the curry) -

You need to drive to the polling station? Please, here, have a Rolls Royce. (You can keep the plane as well.) These were made in Zimbabwe before the arrival of the British land thieves who stole the factory and shipped it to their mud island -

You want a new farm? There are plenty to be had now we took them back, click as many times as you like -

Short of a few Bob? (ha ha, excuse the pun), want to go shopping and need some coin?

Click here -

Tired of cooking? Need a Cook-boy? Well we no longer use that derogative racist term. We call them Chink-boy now. Here, click a Chinkie or two, every well run African land should have several millions of them. Very useful, they even come with their own plastic bags! -

Should you be a complete simpleton and still insist on voting for one of the other pretenders, then you better get a tire which my boys will set alight so you will look like one of these sell-outs –

Finally, I recommend a book by Tim Butcher called Blood River. He recently travelled the entire length of the Congo River and reported of the incredible achievement of the government there who have managed to put the clock back to a time before there were any. If you go to his website

there are some wonderful pictures of the unique system of African reverse progress.

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